Can't believe it has been 2 years since I have posted. What, I only feel the need when I am feeling heartbroken? Looks like it.
Smokey was my little gray rabbit. He came to me, I believe, in April 2010. He lived with my friend Mark, until Mark had to go into a nursing home. Some of this is in my last post, and this is his last few months, so moving on.
It is recommended to do an annual check up on bunnies, and twice a year when they get older. I thought about it, but time and money, etc, never did it. But after loosing Chrissy, I managed to get both her sister Britty, and little Smokey in a few months later. I believe it was Feb. 2016. It was my first time seeing Dr. H. I was concerned. I had seen Dr. L. before, it is hard to find a good bunny vet. But Dr. L now works 0 hrs that I am not working, and it was easier to get in to see Dr. H. I liked him. He seemed amazed at how well Smokey was doing for his age (appx. 11 1/2 then). Suggested they should both have base line blood tests done then, and to keep costs down I could do one this time, the other next. Britty is about 1 1/2 years younger but was slowing down more than he was, so we did hers. Everything was good.
Since then some other bun issues have come up. Britty has become a lot less mobile. She can only walk a couple steps occasionally. But she gets around. We think it is likely arthritis in her back legs, or hips, or back, maybe all. She has been on anti-inflammatory pain meds a year now. So do I get them in in Feb. for at least an annual check up? No.....it is June before we get in. By that time Britty has gone blind. It happened suddenly. I think it is cataracts, but never knew that to be so fast! It happened Memorial Day weekend. So I also wanted to make sure that was all it was, not some thing even worse. Poor girl had no time to get used to it gradually.
Now they are both doing pretty good. But there is Britty's mobility problem, which is not uncommon in older rabbits. And now neither one of them is good about using their bunny boxes. They were good for many years, then about a year ago I started seeing more poops not in the box. Figured it was probably their age, they just could not help it anymore. Well, at least it just sweeps up. Happy they are still here and doing OK. Then sometime between a year ago and June, I started finding pee accidents. First assumed it was Britty with her mobility issue, then found it was actually both of them. When Dr. H. was examining him, he almost peed on the Dr. He said, well, I am pushing on his bladder. When they asked me if they had excessive drinking or peeing, I hesitated, Smokey had been drinking more, but so often I had not thought he was drinking enough, so this just seemed good and normal. Then also in that same time period, that I can't pin down except less than 1 year and more than 4 months this started, I would get up or come home and find Smokey on his side kicking frantically. At first I thought it was a seizure, or he had laid down and not been about to get back up. But after I set him back up and he got his bearings he was off like a shot again, running, like a toy train off the track. It did not happen every day, but regularly. Then I thought maybe he was trying to groom and when he twisted around lost his balance. He had not been grooming as well. I had been giving Britty butt baths about once a week for a while. Maybe early this year? Not sure, but eventually started with Smokey too. He was shocked, but tolerated it.
So when I mentioned the falling down to Dr. H. he seemed to think it might be arthritis, give him some of the pain meds too if I felt like he needed it. Mostly I didn't think he needed it, but sometimes after he had been stuck on his side for quite a while, and seemed upset about it, I would.
So at the June check up I expected Dr. H. to suggest the blood work for Smokey that we had only done on Britty at their last check up. He didn't and since I was also stocking up on more pain meds and some new flea treatment (the Advantage that worked so well for us for years, just was not cutting it anymore). I did not ask for it either. After all, they were doing pretty good for old bunnies. Now I regret not asking. That might have been a good time to catch something early enough to start supportive care, and maybe buy some time. But I did not ask.
Now it is the end of July. Smokey seems just the same happy go lucky little guy he has been. But Britty is going downhill. She seemed to go from thin to just a bag of bones real quick. One day I picked her up and she was so limp. Couldn't stand, did not want to eat or drink, I thought I was going to loose her. I remembered Dr. L telling me to get Calf Manna for Chrissy. It was really high in calories. I had some still, and gave Britty some. She inhaled it. Online bunny people said not to give them too much, it could cause digestive issues, so I limited it. I also started giving her extra other pellets. She gained weight and got stronger. It was like I had build a new bunny. I was glad, but felt bad, like I had been starving her.
For pet bunnies, pellets are like mac and cheese. Nothing wrong with a serving a day, but you can't let your kids fill up on that and not eat any of the more healthy foods they need. For bunnies hay is supposed to be number 1 and often giving more pellets make them less interested in hay. So I tried to give Britty extra when Smokey was not looking. Eventually he caught on and wanted what she had, but his digestive system has always been more delicate. I couldn't take a chance that he wouldn't want his hay, so I would usually pick him up and hold him while Britty was getting her extras, so he didn't get too many and not eat his hay. As it was they were both still eating hay, but less than they used to.
Meanwhile Smokey is drinking more and more. I first thought diabetes, but apparently that is very uncommon is bunnies. Then I though maybe his kidneys were wearing out. Not at all uncommon in rabbits. I didn't think there was much they could do for that, so I did not take him back in. He is still running around like crazy, but much of it was to the water dish and back. He still fell over, but was still eating well. And I believe around Aug. 1 he turned 13. I was thrilled to still have him, have to expect a few problems by that age, right? He loved to be brushed, and loved to be held. I would hold him like a baby and pet his head, and he would go right to sleep. Then to wake him up I would rub his ears, and he would start washing his paws. It was the cutest thing ever, and he had the cutest little bunny lips. I always wanted to get a video of that, but with only 2 hands did not think I could manage to get a good one. I so regret not getting one of that. But it had gotten you never knew when he was going to start squirting pee. I had started holding him over a bunny box and pushing on his belly a little when I let him out or went to hold him, to cut down on accidents. Of course he was not crazy about it, but did not seem to mind.
By the end of Sept. I started thinking, what if I was wrong about his kidneys wearing out and there not being much that can be done about all the peeing? So I take him in to Dr. H. He is tiny. Don't remember his weight in June, but it is down a little. 2.32 lbs. I tell him he is slowing down a bit, falling over a bit more, and drinking and peeing tons. When the tech tries to take his temp. he pees. He of course was being very good. Almost too good, he is usually a bit more wiggly. He said we should do blood work to check his kidney function (among other things). I said if it came back his kidneys were not working as well as they should what would you recommend? He said he would recommend sub-q fluids to help them along. I remembered doing that to my cat Misty when her kidney tests came back showing them slowing down. It seemed to help. And I had done it years ago when Smokey was not eating well, and eventually he got better. He squeezed out some urine and did a urine test. Said it had a few crystals, and a few red blood cells. He did not have a raging infection, but he might have a low grade infection. We could start with a course (10 days) of antibiotics first. I thought that sounded good. I asked the tech. later if we did do the blood test how much it would be. She said there are several, but it would probably be the $178. one that he sends out. I kinda regret that I did not get the blood work done, but then too, doing the antibiotics first sounded reasonable. Maybe it would have given us more info early enough to have bought some time. But again, I was stocking up on flea meds and pain meds, and he acted like it was fine to wait and see if this helped first.
No difference at first. But I thought with his weight down a little maybe I would let him share Brittys extra pellets. It seemed to help her a lot. He was running around a little less, less trips to the water. Thought maybe it was helping. But he was a bit more wobbly. I would think, oh, I should go get him and hold him. Oh, wait until he gets closer to a bunny box, in case he starts squirting when you pick him up. I regret not holding him more then. He would still come and tell me if dinner was late, still follow me around like a puppy, or sit by me wanting attention. I love Britty, but she is more serious. Smokey could be a silly rabbit. Week two of antibiotics, and he is eating less. He is way less excited about water. Still eating, but slowly, not inhaling, and less excited about it. Now I am urging him to eat and drink, whereas two weeks ago he could not get enough of either. I am giving him a little pain meds most days, just in case. Plus it can increase their appetite.
Now it is Monday, Oct. 9. My birthday. I have the week off that I am so looking forward to, and it is October, my favorite month. Should be full of joy. But I am worried about Smokey. I am supposed to drive 36 miles north and meet friends from out of state to then drive up to Knotts Berry Farm. I only see them once a year. We have not been in 30 years, it is my birthday and I have the tickets. Feeling guilty about leaving Smokey, I go. I know he would spill a water bowl in his little area, not sure if he would drink out of a bottle, or that blind Britty would find it. I thought if I left him food, Britty would eat it before he had a chance. Did not want to separate them. Of course he had hay, but had not been very interested in that. So I try to get as much food and water in him as I can before I go. Have fun, but feeling like a horrible Mom. I get home 14 hrs. later praying not to find him dead. No, but close. I don't think he had eaten or drank anything while I was gone. I spend the next 2 hrs. trying to get a tiny bit of food and water in him. It was just a week or 2 ago that all he wanted to do was eat and drink. Of course I did let him drink all he wanted, but I still put a limit on his pellets. Now I am thinking those were the good old days, if I could just go back and let him eat and drink to his hearts content. But then again, stasis can be caused by too many pellets, not enough hay. I must have done something right to get him to 13, but sure don't feel like I know what I am doing this week.
One of my biggest joys in life is sleeping late on a day off and that wonderful feeling of, oh, I don't have to go to work. I can go back to sleep or do what ever when I get up. Did not get any of that. My usually very quiet neighbor hood had some noise every morning that woke me up. Than I would remember Smokey and get that feeling of dread, oh no. Is this the morning that I will find him dead, or suffering? I hate waking to that. Plus you add in all the fires and Chrissy dying 2 years ago, and my favorite month is looking a lot less shiny and happy.
So now it is Tuesday, Oct 10. I was up late, and laying there afraid to get up. When I do I find Smokey is still here. Weak, but got him to eat and drink some, so he was trying and that made me feel better. Did some stuff around the house stopping to check on Smokey and try and get food and water in him.
Wed. Wake to the feeling of dread. Smokey still here. Now I am getting fuzzy. Not sure how much he ate or drank. But now he looks puffy. There may have been a bit of that the day before, I was concerned he might be going into stasis, between all the pellets i had been letting him have, and the 14 hrs. I was gone and he probably did not eat or drink.But now it looks worse. That can't be good.
Rabbit parents live in fear of stasis. If a rabbit is not eating and drinking enough and getting enough fiber their digestive system can shut down, gas forms, then they are uncomfortable and really don't want to eat, toxins can develop and they can die in 24 hrs. if they are not eating and pooping. And even worse is bloat. Don't remember if it has the same causes now, but it is even more deadly, with a very poor survival rate. But his belly was squishy, it would be harder with bloat, so I am doing what I would do for stasis. Belly massage, any food I can get in him, lots of liquids, baby gas drops, but I don't have the sub-q fluids that also help. Decide to take him back to vets. Dr. H. is not in, Dr. L. will see me if I can get in asap, but there will be an extra $35 fee for working me in. I was racing to get there at 11:00. It was about 11:05, and we didn't see the Dr. for about another 20 min. Now he just seems annoyed and rushed. He is not looking at his chart right. We were in 12 days ago. Saw a few normal looking poops when we were there, so still had some hope. He wants to do blood tests. I say well, if it shows his kidneys are not working well won't you just suggest sub-q fluids? Yes, but it could show it is too late for that. Well I want to try. So you want to treat the symptoms at this point? Yes. We can do that. I will give him an injection to jump start his system, meds to go home to help keep things moving, sub-q fluids to help him stay hydrated, and move things along. (standard treatments for stasis) Did not do the blood tests. At this point it may have been too late and it it was sent out, he may have been dead before I got the results, so less regret this time about them. He still weighs 2.32 which I thought was kinda odd, but good, he has not lost. I have done the sup-q fluids, but it has been a while, so the tech comes in to give him his first round and give me a refresher. I take him home and get a bit of food and water in that day. Wrap him up in a towel and hold him for a while that night. Had thought about going to Julian the next day. Vacation is half over now, but don't want to leave him.
Thurs. Wake up with dread. When I pick up Smokey first thing, he is opening his little mouth big like he is saying HELP! Oh no! Is he having trouble breathing? I just keep blowing in his face and he calms down a bit. Got a bit of food and water in him. That afternoon I go to give him his sub-q fluids. It goes ok, and I am thinking this is good, hydrate that gut, and help flush some of the toxins out. Well later on he is doing the help thing more and more. Now I am thinking OH NO, did I make it worse? Is all that fluid pressing on his lungs and making it hard for him to breathe? What have I done?! Then I think back to Dr. L the day before. I had said I was giving him baby gas drops. He kinda poo pooed that, said he didn't think he had a lot of gas. I had just thought he was thinking OTC meds are a waste, you should just the RX we can sell you. Now I am thinking did he think that was fluid from failing kidneys his body was unable to get rid of and now I have just given him abut 75cc more!! Why did he not explain that? If we went back would they put a needle in and suck out enough fluid for his lungs to work better? No, they would say its time to put him down. I don't want to go back and do that. He may die before we got there, but I don't want him to suffer either. He said on Wed. he did not think he was in pain. Good. But he is at least in discomfort now. What to do, what to do? I did not take him. I did kinda squeeze him a few times, thinking if he could just pee a lot of it out, he would be more comfortable, but now he is peeing less. Is he now unable to pee and I put all this fluid in? I knew he would want to be held when he died. But would it be 2 hrs or 2 days? I did not want to pick him up if he was sleeping hoping he was more comfortable then, and if it was time he would just go in his sleep.
Friday, Oct. 13......figures, huh? Wake up, wasn't sleeping well anyway, but still lay there trying, and too much of a coward to go face Smokey. So afraid of what I will find. I had covered him with a towel to keep him warm (his temp. was down on Wed. at the vets. and I had not even noticed). I think he is gone, and don't want to check. But I do and he stirs. I pick him up and he is a little limp, but alive, feels less puffy. I squeeze a little before I wrap him up to hold and some pee comes out. Happy to see that, he opens his mouth big and lets out a small squeak. Wrap him up and he immediately seems peaceful. Not sure when he died. I hope it was after I got him all wrapped up and started petting him, but it was probably less than a minute. Held and petted quite a while to be sure. Did not want to unwrap and look for breathing. Thought I felt a bit of breath from his nose, but not sure. It was fast. I don't think I broke him when I squeezed, it was not any harder than I had been, but I will never know. I kinda feel like he was just waiting to say goodbye to me before he went. And I am in bed being a coward, making him wait. I could have gotten up and let him be at peace sooner if he was waiting for me, or at least held him longer, but I wimped out. Bad Mom again.
I had breakfast, got dressed, then gave him a bath. I know it sounds silly. But it is like one last act of caring for him, and giving him dignity before he goes away forever.
Then what? I had always buried my animals in my yard. But.....I have been here over 30 years and that is a lot of animals. When Suzy my Grandma's cat died, I had her cremated, cause I think that is what Granny would have done. When Chrissy died (at the vets) I had her cremated. Partly it was alllllll the animals in my yard, and partly not wanting to drive home with a dead bunny. So I knew I would need to cremate Smokey and Britty to feel like they were "all together" if not in my yard, at least in boxes on the shelf. I had thought about keeping Smokey in the freezer until Britty goes, and doing them together, but decided against that. Had looked on line about it, but could not bring myself to make any calls about it. So now I have to call. With Suzy I used Circle of Life arranged thru her vets office. They don't see bunnies, but are way closer than the bunny vet. I call and Circle of Life says $105. plus what ever handling charge your vet adds on, unless I want to drive him to them in the next county. They would pick up at the Humane Society. They (HS) are pretty close, but have been there twice this week on another matter, and am a little annoyed, plus I was afraid with all their animals it would be too easy to have a mix up. I know with Chrissy her vets were using Peaceful Paws. I call them and they would give me no prices. Said it had to go through a vets office. (and unlike the other place, she was a little bitchy) But the cat vet said I could not bring my bunny there. So after Smokey's bath I just drive to his vets and say I am here to make cremation arrangements. They put me in a room and come in and say it would be $69. I am thinking wow, that is great. But no..for that you don't get the ashes back (and apparently I need that ) I said, no I wanted the one I got 2 years ago. So she comes back and says $200 something! I think it was about $212. I was too shocked to register it correctly. He is 2.32 lbs.! I expected a handling fee, but if their price was any thing like The Circle of Life, then they were adding a 100 % handling fee! The other one around had reviews not as good, and had no experience with them. It took us 40 minutes to get there. It would be at least that long to go to the Humane Society. I don't know what to do. I can't think. I don't want to be so cheap. Maybe if I had asked for that blood tests in June I would not be doing this now. But I have not even paid off the last two visits to the vets yet. She is trying to be nice, but does not know what to do with me. Well, maybe we can get him in at the not over 2 lb. mark, that would only be about $169. Yeah, better, but he was 2.32 two days ago! She goes and gets a scale, and we weigh him, it keeps saying 3 something, maybe 3.11. I keep saying that is not possible, he was 2.32 two days ago. Well, maybe he has a full bladder. I could have them try and express that. No, he has been through enough. If 3.11 was correct he must have 3/4 lb. of fluid in him he did not have 2 days earlier. Did I make it worse with the fluid? Now I am thinking I did. He was better before it. But if we had not done it, I would have wondered if that would have helped. Losing him is hard enough, it is all the regrets that make it even worse. Now here I am being a pain about the high cost of cremating my tiny boy!
I ended up calling Circle of Life, putting $105. on my credit card. They will pick him up there on Mon. and return his ashes there in about 1 week. Not looking forward to going to get them, but at least it seemed like the best resolution. The whole time we were talking I had him wrapped in a towel, with just his head and ears out like he liked to be petted. He just looked asleep like that. I kept petting his head while we talked. I must have looked like a nut case. Felt like one.
Then I left him and cried all the way to IHOP where I ate my feelings. Plus it was after 4:00 by then and had not eaten since breakfast.
I still can't believe he is gone. Know he could not last forever, but it seemed last week, or maybe the week before that he was running around my feet, when I walked asking for attention. Now there is just the big hole in my heart and the haunting of what I should have done differently.
Britty seems depressed. She is 11 1/2 now. Don't expect her to make it until 13. I can't handle this again any time soon!
