October 20, 2020                                    Friendship

I think the older you get the harder it is to make friends.  Maybe until you get really old and every old person is suddenly your friend.  For me its hard.  I cherish the friends I do have.  But I also am not a people person, so it is hard for me to be around people very much.  I can be annoying and am usually unaware I am being annoying.  I need to be around people occasionally for mental health, but for me it is hard work and exhausting.  Of course some more than others.  I will look forward to getting together with friends, and enjoy it (at least before covid, I have only gotten together with friends once since lockdown, and that was earlier this month)!

Some are much better at working at maintaining friendships than I am.  Some I have lost because they did not care enough to maintain them, and it takes two.  A couple have died, and the older I get the more that will happen.

One good friend, maybe my best friend lives 395 miles away and for years I would see her one day a year.  One long, fun filled day.  Than the last few years, I have seen her a couple times a year.  I last saw her in March, just before the covid lockdown.  We had no idea things would get so drastic and bad with it.  We have communicated a little since then.  We were even planning a trip for this week.  We have managed 3 trips in the past.  It has been fun, but she is all about the destination and I want to enjoy the journey, so there has been some conflict, but it was worth it, and we got over it. But somewhere in the online  discussion this time, she seemed to get mad at me, and basically said forget it, not the right time.  Her plan had been to come over to CA and visit her daughter who is currently living about 18 miles south of me.  Then pick me up and head north for a little trip.  Usually when she comes to visit her daughter I am invited to go do something with them, or at least join them for dinner.  This time I thought maybe even if I was invited, I would say, well, since we will have the next 6 days together, you just enjoy your Mommie and me time this time.  But even after the trip was cancelled, I was not invited.  I kept thinking maybe she would contact me and ask to get together, but no.  

Last I heard, she was driving over Sat. and driving back Mon.  So even then I thought I might hear, hey I decided to stay another day and my daughter is back at work, do you want to do something?  I would have said sure what would you like to do?  And if she had no suggestions, I might have suggested Julian again.  I have mentioned it many times, and we have never gone.  I love Julian.  But going when it is hot is not the best time, you want crisp air.  Yesterday might have been ok.  I don't know how many of the businesses survived covid.  It has been so hard, and they are little and often struggle, so she may not have gotten the full Julian experience, but so wanted to someday share it with her.  But no call or message, figured she just headed home. Neither of us said anything terrible.  Nothing that really requires an apology or that can't just blow over, so although I was kinda sad and hurt she did not want to see me this trip.  I was like, ok, it is a short trip, she needs a break from me and wants to just hang with her daughter.  Give her some time, and she will get over it and be ok again.

Then last night a post shows up from her on FB, at the Julian Pie Company.  It felt like a big slap in the face.  Like take that!  You pissed me off, so I will just go without you!  A year ago her daughter had never heard of Julian, and doesn't eat that stuff, so if she went with her I am super sad, and mad, and hurt about it.  If she took a little detour on her way home and went alone, I am slightly less upset, but still.  I feel like I lost my best friend.