CHRISSY

CHRISSY

Chrissy went to Bunny Heaven two days ago.  Let me talk about her a little bit.

Lets go back to when Andy died in Nov. 2006.  I had had Andy 12 years, figured he had probably been about 13 when he died.  That is a good long life for a bunny and he had had some chronic health problems, so it was not a big surprise or a big shock.  He had not been doing well, I had been giving him medication and he died at night (hopefully in his sleep) at home.  I have very much enjoyed not having any bunnies die for almost 9 years.  It has been great.

So I took a small break of no bunnies to honor his memory and get my mind and heart ready for another bunny.  This time I looked on line at all the local shelters.  What I was looking for was a bonded all ready neutered pair, that did not look too much like Andy (it was too soon for that).  That narrowed it down to a young pair,  at the Oceanside shelter that had not been there that long, and a pair at the Escondido shelter that had been there almost a year.  The card on their cage estimated they were born Jan. 2006.  But I don't know, maybe that was just their arrivar date, and they were a little older.  But I used that for their birthday. So on Christmas Eve 2006, I went to Escondido to get my new bunnies.  I passed so many that came to the front of their cage saying "pick me, pick me".  It was hard but I had already decided on sisters named Brittney and Christina.  They had been found running loose and had been there almost a year.  They looked very healthy but showed no interest in me.  They had given up.  They had each other and their food and just sat there looking like big ticks.  The staff had done their best to care for them, but with so many, could not possibly get out much or get much interaction, and I believe had gotten a few too many pellets.  

Home we went.  I put them in their 3 story condo in my kitchen and gave them some time to get used to their new environment.  I did not know which was which, but decided I would call the one with the crooked Hitler mustache Chrissy, and her sister Britty.  I thought they would be thrilled to be here after all that time at the shelter.  Bigger cage, eventually more run time, probably more food variety. They did not like the pellets I served, or the carrots, or most of the greens.  They approved of the hay and the cilantro, and that was it.  OK, they could stand to loose a little weight, but I was concerned.  Eventually they grew to love it all and ate well, esp. Chrissy.  Britty was always very gentle and careful about eating food.  She would politely take something from your hand and chew it well.  While Chrissy would inhale it, while I quickly drew back any fingers I hoped to keep.  I think she barely chewed a lot of it, so she could quickly get more.

I started to give them more freedom out of their cage, and they were so good I was amazed.  I got lucky.

Then they got more comfortable.  Their family room run area looked like a herd of 2 yr. olds had been there.  Sure I tried to bunny proof, but removing all the furniture so they would not eat it was not an option.  So they were restricted to being out when I could watch them.  As they got older they got better and were sometimes allowed out longer, but I am still pretty sure if I crawl around looking for damage, I will find more than I am aware of.

Chrissy refused to walk on any slippy floor.  I had to keep a runner rug properly positioned in front of the cage, with a cat tunnel at right angles to that to "safely" get to the carpeted area.  If anything was out of place she would not return to her cage when run time was over.   As she got older she learned if she went really slow, she could survive the dreaded slippy floor.  But she still preferred the tunnel route.

Chrissy and Britty were very close.  They slept together, shared their food, groomed each other. But they were so different.  Britty was sweet, easy, agreeable.  Chrissy was bossy, and stubborn and sometimes cranky.  Every once in a while, for no apparent reason, she would go after Britty.  Chasing her trying to bite her, leaving mouthfuls of fur in her wake.  Britty was terrified and confused.  She could not figure out what happened.  Then after a few days or a week, they would work it out and it would be all peaceful again until the next time.  Never knew what set Chrissy off.  Eventually Britty stated fighting back.  Chrissy could not believe it.  She would sit in her bunny box for a day or two, just shocked.  Eventually they would work it out again and all was good.  I would say they were good together about 80% of the time, so I never considered separating them.

Then in 2009 I got a call from an old friends sister.  Mark was very ill, would I take his bunny Smokey.  My house is not big enough to keep bunnies separated for long .  Smokey was a house rabbit, Mark did not want me to put him outside in the old hutch I still had.  I figured Britty would accept him pretty easily, but I did not think Chrissy would.  Well, we had a hard time working out the logistics, of getting me the bunny and what I would do with him.  Plus, for quite a while Mark was hoping to go home with help, or at least to say goodbye to his home and his rabbit, so I waited.  Someone came in every few days to take care of him.  But as time went on, I told Mark it has been too long.  I need to get him.  Again the logistics.  Eventually I got him, but he had been home alone for 11 months.  He is a very nice bunny, but does have some abandonment issues.  Sure enough Britty had one little fight with him, then probably would have been ok.  Chrissy tried to kill him every time she got near him.  He lived in my only bathroom over a month.  He was not happy about it.

Eventually I got him set up closer to the girls, and kept trying.  Finally Chrissy agreed to let him live, and he joined the girls.  They became one big happy family.  Chrissy still had her occasional squabbles with Britty.  Smokey hated when they fought, but they never fought with him.  He was like their little pet.  He thought he was a little prince, and would frequently sit with his head under Chrissy's chin waiting for her to groom him.  It was very cute.

Bunnies do not like changes, but Chrissy more than most.  For all her bravado, any change could make her either not want to come out of her cage or not go back.  When I got new windows, it was a week before she came out of her cage, and I had to drag her out then.  She surveyed the area, and realized it was ok, and got back to normal.

So the end of July, beginning of August, when Chrissy did not want to come out of her cage I was not too worried.  Figured she probably went after her sister and Britty fought back, she would get over it.  What was odd, was her appetite was down.  Her appetite was never down, so I was concerned she had a tunny ache, and kept offering her food, wanting to make sure she was eating.    When she came out a few days later, I noticed she did not want to put her weight on her right front paw.  I examined it, saw nothing out of the ordinary.  Moved it gently, she did not flinch.  Thought maybe she had sprained her wrist area..  I thought maybe in an effort to avoid the slippy tile I put in their cage to help keep them cool, she had tried to jump across it, caught her toes in the wire floor, and bent it back. If it was broken, a few days had gone by it would have already started to heal, it was kinda late now.

Plus, the rabbit vet I had used last time was about 28 miles SE of me, inland, and it has been so hot.  My car does not have air conditioning.  I was worried about having her in a hot car that long, last time I had tried to go that way, not even quite as far I had hit bad traffic and it had taken over an hr.

Another reason is last time I took a bunny there they insisted on anesthetizing him before x-rays.  That is always a risk esp. as animals get older. 

Sadly another reason is money.  My paychecks are not that big.  If I put her through the hot car ride, and the x-rays, and handed over my small paycheck I thought there was a very big chance they would eithr say it has already started to heal, unless you want us to try and re-break it and set it, it is too late.  Or, it looks like a sprain, we can't do much for that.  So I felt guilty, but I did not take her in.

After a while she started getting around pretty good, but she would still hold her paw up when she was not walking or running not wanting to put her weight on it.  But she was pretty active, and eatting pretty well, so I was just thinking that sometimes sprains take a long time to heal.  Then she started acting like it was hurting more, she was eating a little less, and when ever she could she seemed to try and lean to the left, to take any weight off that side.  

Sept. 22 I picked Chrissy up and looked at her paw, and wrist.  It seemed the same.  Then I touched her right shoulder and she let me know that hurt bad!  I wondered if it was a separate injury or if she had dislocated it or what.  Then I remembered Andy's vet.  18 miles south.  Shorter ride, way cooler, so I made an appt. and took her in, and explained stuff.  He was willing to x-ray her without putting her out.  So I agreed and waited.  He was gone a while.  I was wondering if it was dislocated and they were putting it back in place.  That would hurt like hell, but then it would be over and ok, so I was kinda hoping for that.

He came back and said they x-rayed both shoulders to show me the comparison.  Here is her normal left shoulder joint.  Now, look at her right one.  Where I could see the ends of the bones and the space between in the left, in the right it was just all gray fuzz.  I asked him what happened to that joint?  He said it was cancer.  It had destroyed the joint. He said it was very aggressive, there was no treatment, it could be quite painful and he recommended that she be euthanized.  I was in shock.  He said he was sorry, he hated to deliver that bad news.  Then said, well, I am 98% sure it is cancer.  I could do a needle biopsy to see if she had some kind of infection that we could treat.  It would not bring back the joint.  But I said do it, I needed to be sure.  It was definitely cancer.  He had an idea of what kind of cancer, but to know what kind for sure he would have to send the sample out.  I said, no, I guess I don't need to know that. I asked if it would have made a difference if I had brought her in a few weeks earlier, and he said no.  I said I was completely not prepared to put her down today.  How long do you think she has.  Maybe a month, a week if she stops eating.  So he sent me home with pain meds to give her every 12 hrs. and I hoped for close to a month of her being fairly comfortable, then going in her sleep.

I gave her her space that night.  The trip to the vets had been traumatic for her too, and I knew she was stressed.  But when I came home from work the next day, and she still did not want to eat, could barely move and was not grooming I called.  You said it would be fast, but not 24 hr. fast.  Could she be having a bad reaction to the pain meds?  Maybe, it is unlikely, but you could try not giving them, and see, or bring her back or take her someplace else, but they will probably recommend she be put down.  How did she get so bad so fast?  I gave her just a little less pain meds than he said two for a couple days, and she started eating again.  Her back legs were not working so good.  Did not know if the cancer was there too, or what, but on the days she ate good, her legs worked better.  She needed help with grooming.  She had done it all very well before the vet visit.  Now very little, esp. the back part.  I guess it must have hurt her shoulder to try and turn around for that.  After a few days, she managed some grooming, but I did a lot of it, and not nearly as well as her.  Urine was irritating her skin.  I did bunny butt baths, but she quickly became tangled, and took so long to dry, I did not do them every day.  I tried putting bag balm on her irritated skin, read the zinc in Desitin type products was bad for them, but finally resorted to that, it stayed on better, and did help her skin.

He said cancer takes a lot of energy.  She needs all the energy she can get.  Lots of high calorie pellets, what ever she wants.  All those years of limiting them, now I was offering them every time I walked by.  I did not want the other bunnies to take her food, but did not to totally ban them from being around her.  

Britty seemed afraid of her.  She looked different, smelled different, and moved different.  One time they were out, and Chrissy scooted under something where I could not see her, and before I could get to her there was this God awful scream.  I assumed Britty thought she was about to be attacked and bit or at least bumped Chrissys shoulder.  After that I mostly kept Chrissy in a smaller area.  Britty could have gotten in, but mostly did not. I think she thought Chrissy must be in one of her moods, and I better stay away away. Smokey still visited Chrissy often.  They both knew something was up and they did not understand. He could not understand.what was going on and why she did not have the energy to groom him.  He even groomed her a little, which is rare for him.  Unfortunately he often bumped or tried to groom her sore shoulder, but she was pretty patient with him.  I think it helped them both to have the company.

I was good about giving her the meds between 11.5 hrs. and 12.5 hrs. and except for the first couple days after the vets, and the times I would accidentally bump her shoulder, she did not seem to be in pain.  She took the meds well.  I did have a hard time getting water in her, but she would at least let me syringe some in with the syringe I used for the pain meds and it was  something.  I asked her frequently if she wanted to go.  Told her when it was too much and she was ready she could just go to sleep and not wake up.   I understood, and it would be ok. But she was a pretty strong healthy bunny except for the stupid cancer..   On Wed. last week, she seemed really weak, barely ate anything.  I thought maybe it was time and planned to take her in on Thursday, if she made it through the night.  I woke up with the feeling of being kicked in the gut I have had most mornings since I found out on Sept. 22.  She was standing up looking alert, and munching on hay.  I thought she is not ready.  She had good and bad days since then. The night of Oct. 13, I screwed up with her meds.  I was going to give them in 1/2 hr. and I got distracted doing something else.  Two hrs. past her time, I realized she was in pain and I had forgotten.  Felt really bad, but gave it to her, hoping it would kick in fast, and be ok.  Her appetite had been down a little the past few days, and she had seemed weaker. Did not know if it was from cancer spreading, or lack of food/fuel.

I have always vowed I will not put a sick animal down because caring for them was inconvenient for me.  I have to be sure it is the best thing for them at that time.  But I was also thinking about the all day outing with out of town friends I had planned for Oct. 15.  We already had tickets.  I knew we would be gone at least 12 hrs.  If I left her in one spot, the other bunnies, esp. Smokey would probably eat her food.  The other spot I sometimes put her to, had gotten ants the day before.  The heat may have brought them in, but did not want them attracted to her food, or damp towel, or greens, or getting on her.  How late would her pain meds be?  If I was going to have to put her down in the next week, did I want to put her through being home alone with not enough to eat, and late pain meds while I was gone?  No one I could ask to check on her.  So I take her in now????  How do you know when??  She seemed like she was in some pain the morning of the 15th, even though her meds had been on time.  She did not want to eat many pellets.  Still wanted greens, which I was happy to see, but needed the pellet energy.

Bunnies in pain will grind their teeth.  They will also do in when they are content, so it has to be taken in context.  She did it Sept. 22/23.  Then I did not hear it again until Oct. 13/14.  Was I being selfish not taking her in?  Was it time?

Now let me add I am a very strong middle aged women.  But I have never had the strength to have any of my many previous animals put down.  I came close, telling myself if I was sure they were in pain I would, or if they still seemed this bad Monday I would, or if they were still alive on my next day off I would.  Somehow either they would seem better, or go on their own first, and I never had to do it.  As hard as it is having them go on their own taking them in seems so much worse.  I know you are not supposed to think that you killed you pet, but that you released them from their suffering, but still..... But the vet telling me this is a very aggressive cancer, there is no hope, it can be very painful, ect. all weighed on my mind at not continuing to wait until she went on her own, esp. after hearing tooth grinding two days in a row now.  I called the vet and made arrangements to bring her in at 4:00.  I gave her a partial bath and spent a long time grooming her outside.   She had always been so tidy, I did not want anyone to see her untidy, even though I was not anywhere close to doing as good a job as her.  She tried to groom a little too, but I know it hurt her shoulder when she used her right paw to groom.  I put her down in the garden and she hopped around a little munching on grass and greens.  I was hoping Britty had time to say goodbye but I had not seen them together and was afraid to force it.  Smokey spent some time with her that morning.

Then I drove her the 18 miles to the vets.  They got me in a room pretty fast.  I sat on a couch holding her all wrapped up in a towel, talking to her, petting her.  Telling her how much I loved her, and how sorry I was, and how I hoped I was doing the right thing, and how much me and her sister, and Smokey will miss her.

The vet came in and gave her a normal sized shot kinda between her neck and back.  Neither of us saw it coming. She jumped a bit at that.  I should have rubbed it for her, but was so busy petting her head, and blowing my nose, I didn't think to  He said it would relax her, and put her in a deep sleep, and he would be back in about 5 minutes with the final shot.  He came back and shaved a little spot on her ear, and put another shot there, said she might take one last deep breath.  She did not.  He started to say, sometimes they don't if... then did not finish it.  I am hoping he was going to say if they are very relaxed, and not if they were in a lot of pain, or some other bad reason like that, but I do wonder why he didn't finish his sentence if it was not for a bad thing. I never touched her shoulder after I found out how much it hurt.  He touched it and said the tumor had grown a lot in just 3 weeks.  I did not even know I could have felt anything under her fur, I thought it was all on the inside, but after she was asleep I could feel it.  He said I was doing the right thing, it was a bad cancer, I have to think was she going to have more good days than bad in her future. or not. Anyway she never woke up.  It was very peaceful.  They came and got her, and she will go to be cremated, and her ashes will be returned to me.  They said they will send me the bill, so I could just leave after.  I walked out crying and drove away.  They were very nice and made it as easy as possible.  But still, so many people seem to do it at the first sign of something being wrong.  Like it is too easy.  It should not be too easy, it has to hurt us.  What kind of fur parents would we be if it did not hurt us?

Here is the part that is still bothering me, other than missing her and the trauma of it all.  Is it what she wanted?  Twice in my life I have needed major surgery.  I could not do much and was in a lot of pain for 6 mo. or so before.  But if "someone"  had thought they were doing me a favor by putting me out of my misery then I would have been pissed!  No!  This sucks, but I am not ready to go!  That is what I wonder.  Is she thinking, thanks, Mom, I felt horrible and now I don't.  Or is she more like, "But I was not done yet".  That is the most haunting part for me now.  I know lots of old people that wish they could just die, but others that seem just as bad off, and they are not ready to go.  It is the making the decision for them  and not being sure that is what they wanted that is so hard.

I came home and cleaned up her area.  Washed all her dirty towels except the one I had her wrapped up at the end.  I put that on the floor for the other bunnies to smell to try and get clues to what happened.  I have not seen Britty near it, but Smokey goes over and smells it.   They both seem kinda depressed.  I need to give them extra attention now.  I figure Chrissy was about 9 3/4.  Not old enough.  But sadly her sister is the same age, and Smokey is probably pretty close.  I could be going though this again 2 more times in the next few years.  Not looking forward to it.  So life goes on.  No sick bunny to care for now, no meds, no mess, just another piece of my heart ripped out., and two bunny kids to take care of now.  RIP Chrissy.