But...I must say I am thrilled that blogger is now full screen. Yeah, I knew it could be done, but I had not figured out how. Now I don't have to. It looks much better. Thank you.
Yesterday was another beautiful day out. It seemed like some cruel joke, or a slap in the face. Weeks of looking like a gray dungeon I tried to avoid, then run outside for a few minutes if a patch of blue sky appeared. Now a whole beautiful weekend and I can't not be out back for long. I have been out a little each of the past 3 days, but its not a place I want to be. Its kinda like loosing someone at Christmas time. The whole world seems to be celebrating, while your heart breaks.
My heart is still breaking. Telling everyone I see is awkward. All they said was hi, I can't easily start spilling all this out. Yet how can they go on like always and not notice or care my family has been wiped out?
Yesterday I did a few chores, then a couple errands. (would have been home gardening, but no....) Then decided to take a walk at the gardens formerly known as Quail Gardens. A pretty outside place with no duck memories. It was good.
Then I stopped at some french bakery I had never been to before. I ordered a Nuttela crepe. I love crepes. While I was waiting a women came in that kinda seemed familiar. I finally figured out who I thought she was, and sure enough it was Nancy P. We had been in this art group together for about 4 weeks, about 3 1/2 years ago. Had not seen her since, but I had liked her a lot, and loved the art group. We talked some. I told her about the ducks. She is a counselor. I asked her for tips on getting the image out of my head. She said take a new picture. Since she is so sweet and I like her so much, I tried not to think "you idiot, like its just that easy". But I thought about and have been trying.
On my garden walk I saw a beautiful butterfly. It was a mourning cloak.
Several years ago I raised a bunch of them and released them. It was so much fun! I wondered if it might have been a relative of mine. Anyway, when ever I see the picture of my dead ducks, I think of that butterfly. Think about their little souls flying free to heaven or where ever. It does help a little. But I still miss their little smiling faces, and waddling butts. The hole is still huge.
For dinner I had duck egg quiche I had made before the killings. Its not the same now. I am used to them talking to me when I get home. No talking. After the predator stuff happened I worried a lot about them at night. But once I counted them all there in the morning, my worry was over for the day. I never worried about loosing them all in broad day light. I did worry about the dogs behind jumping on the old fence and some day it giving way. But hoped the people there would see, and fix it quickly enough. Even if they had gotten in the yard, and God forbid hurt a duck or two, never would have thought they would all be gone. I would have penned them until the fence was fixed. Not knowing having a full fence would not be enough.
I have never been one that lives to work. I work to live, and have always had 101 better things I could be doing. But after this weekend, in some ways it was almost a relief to go back to work. That is frightening. Also oddly when I am sleeping in later than usual, doing a lot less chores, etc, the weekend seemed longer.
Today was nice also, could have done stuff outside for an hr. or so after I cleaned the turtle tank. (I actually hate doing that, but like my turtle). But I did not. I usually never have enough time. Now I have some, I guess cause there is not much I want to do with it. I don't understand time as it is, and now this is even more confusing.
Watching movies/t.v. at night. I did manage to read a little a couple nights, but not a lot. Good think I don't have followers. They would be bored to tears now.
Of all the reasons this duck thing is so hard for me, I think the none left and too afraid to get any more for who knows how long- one is the hardest. OK, it may tie with the pictures in my head, but that hopefully will some day fade, and there will still be none there. No pull your family together and go on. I had already decided when the cat goes, I may wait 6 mo. or a year to get another one. I will, but not for a while. But having no ducks at all was never in my mind. I don't like it there either.
Off work to go to the fair tomorrow. Hopefully it will be a good distraction. So no posting, I will be too tired.
