No, its not about some little baby, or some recovering person. Its my first steps outside again.
Today I opened two of the back curtains wide, and one a little bit. They have been closed since Wednesday night.
In this area in June, we seldom see the sun. Its overcast and gray about 80% of the month. It depresses me a lot. I don't want to see it or be in it. Today the sun was shining, the sky was crystal blue, the temp. was perfect. It would have been a beautiful day to be outside gardening. Maybe get ready to plant some veggies. Do some weeding. But I couldn't. The ducks watch me weed, and I give them some to eat. Now what? I first went out front. The sun was so bright it hurt my eyes. I went out yesterday to work also, but it was gray.
Then I went out back. First since Wednesday evening. I threw the dog poop over the fence, hoping to hit someone with it. I moved some things around to try and block my view of where most of the duck bodies were found. Unfortunately that's in my direct line of sight out the window from the table where I eat. So I blocked some of it, and only opened that curtain a little. I went out to clean the bunny box. Put some food and water out for birds. I take my turtle out to get some sun on weekends. Just before I brought her in for the night, I changed the water in the tub I put her in and put her tub in the pen, to keep her safer next time. Unfortunately I have to go right through the carnage spot. I just try hard not to look. As the feathers go away, it will get easier. But it will still be empty. 11 little faces, and curious little souls gone, for no good reason.
Oh, as I was picking up today I found a card I had bought to have on hand for someone. It had ducks and bunnies on it, and mentioned "happy ducks". I have frequently given and received stuff like that, with my ducks and bunnies -peace and harmony lifestyle. That's changed now.
The ducks think they should eat dinner about 5 pm, It does not matter if I fed them early on a work day, or slept in very late. When it gets around 5:00 they start expecting food. With the curtains open, and the sun shinning it was hard to be in the area then. I can almost hear them. This is the kind of early summer day I just want to "play/work" out side until dark. Its hard for me to just sit there. But I was making enough progress getting stuff caught up on, I had plans to just sit and read and watch the ducks when it got hot out. Not now. They were such a big part of my life. It was so senseless and unnecessary.
I lost my turtle Fred, last year. She was missing 9 months. I had about given up hope of ever seeing her alive again by that time. But I did, one day there she was walking across the yard. Where the heck she had been all that time I can't even guess. A little part of my mind, esp when I first wake up is that either this was just a bad dream, of course the ducks are still out back OK. Or, that they are "missing" and will be back OK. Than hard, ugly reality hits me in the face, and I get up feeling dread again.
