Its Friday night. This will be the first weekend in a long time I have not looked forward to. I don't want to be here. I normally love being home. Its not the same now. The 16 1/2 yr. old cat is not doing well inside. I don't want to go out back. I have been dreading it. Have not looked out back since Wednesday. I am afraid to. I keep thinking I hear a duck. I expect to see at least one when I look out back. If its nice I usually do some gardening. I don't want to. I have not bought eggs in at least 15 years. I have a lot in the fridge, and they keep a long time, but eventually I will run out. Now every time I use an egg it will be another reminder of the killing. Its always sad when I loose one. It was horrible and traumatic when I lost any to predators. But you turn your attention to those left. Life goes on, etc. This is different. There are none left.
I thought the cat would be the next to go. Not that I want her to, but she has had problems for a while now. I think oh, this is it. Then she does better for a while again. I dread having her go, and having to deal with it. But....there are lots of "accidents". The house smells. I have plastic runners on the floor to help with clean up. I don't want anyone in the house. At least after she goes and I get everything cleaned up again, there will be something positive to go along with the loss. Nothing positive now.
Then to add to it all as I was walking to my door this evening a neighbor asked me if I would try and hand raise some tiny birds that have a nest at his house. He thinks the mom may have been killed, has not seen a bird near the next. They are tiny and sound hungry. I am not good at hand feeding tiny birds. I am back to work all day on Monday, and they will need fed during the day, and most of all I can't deal with another dead bird now if they don't make it. I told him to call Project Wildlife. I hope he does something to help them, but I can't handle it now.
I had already asked for a day off next week to go to the fair. Even that won't be as much fun. I always visit the animals first. May be crying there right off the bat.
Having a salad or something I would save any parts I didn't want for the ducks. A dozen times a day something comes up to remind me..
I wonder what they were doing. I had cleaned their pool the day before. They were mostly near the pool and the pen. Were they swimming and the splashing and "having fun" attracted the dog? Were they trying to get into the pen for safety? I never left it open when I was not home, did not want them to ever get cornered in it. With most predators that kill for food, some have the chance to get away. But not when they kill for fun. They stand no chance then.
I will have to open the curtains eventually. Little birds collect the duck feathers for their nests. I enjoyed watching it. I won't enjoy it so much now, but I hope they took a lot since I was last out there. When I threw out the duck food each day, little birds, and doves and lately squirrels had been coming to eat also. It was fun to watch them. They may be getting hungry. It will be less fun to watch now, even if I do still throw some out. At least I can sleep in. Can I sleep half the weekend?
