I picked up my cats ashes today. It was strange....of alllll the pets I have had over the many years this was the first time I ever did that. It was different. Its been almost 4 weeks since she died, so the feelings are less raw.
It came with a cute little paw print, and a nice certificate. The only thing I did not like on it was I had guessed her birth month to be Jan. 1994. It said July 1994. Maybe someone could not read the Dr's. writing, and at least the year was right. But it had comforted me to think at least she was almost 17, and now years from now I will look at it and may not remember that. I wish I had a really good pic of her to put on it. Maybe I will find one.
The other thing I did not like was it had the cremation date....and it was 16 days after she died. It bothered me that it took so long. Not that being cremated is much better than the cooler she was in, but something was disturbing. Maybe cause I am so used to burying them the next day, and I can't even begin to feel any better until then, that sending her away where she had to wait so long was troubling. Did they take a nice long Thanksgiving Holiday?
The part I did like was it came in a cute, very little ceder box with a name plate with her name on it and a lock and key. That was nice. My grandmas dog Duke is under her bed in some plastic (I think) container. Don't know what to do with him, so I do nothing. I wanted to put him in with Grandma when she died. But she died in Calif. I had her shipped to Ariz., then I flew over, and I forgot to take him.
I did find myself carrying the cats ceder box around the house talking to her. Can you tell I live alone? She is currently "sitting" in her favorite chair. But I am not yet nuts enough to keep her there. Its just for now.
The house is getting back to normal. Still a long ways to go, but the biggest part is done. It was great to empty out my steam cleaner and see all the gunk that is no longer in my carpets, and see improvement in looks and smell each week. But I still talk to her some, think I hear her, think I have to buy cat food, invite her onto my lap, etc. Yeah, well it was 15.5 years. That's a lot of habits to let go of.
Another human friend died 16 days after Susie. My friend Skip. He had just turned 73. He had diabetes, and leukemia, then got pneumonia. Not sure what the actual cause of death was. I saw him 6 days before he got pneumonia. He looked so good, and was feeling good, that I expected him to have quite a few good years left. I walked away pleased and relieved. Then I hear he is sick, but I fully expected him to recover. But he did not. He was my friend for 20 years.
I can count on one hand the men in my life I could depend on. Skip was one of them. I have always thought of him when I hear the song "Can't find a better man".
His memorial is on Sat.I have to go, but it will make him being gone more real. I still think I need to send him this funny e-mail, then stop myself.
Will I have any one left in my life? Loosing people/pets is almost like the ricther scale. 14 looses are WAY more than 7, etc.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
When A Pet Dies
This web site has a great article on dealing with the guilt when a pet dies. I always have some. Sometimes more than others.
This site has some good info also on cats, and coping with their death.
http://www.catsofaustralia.com/coping-cat-death.htm
My cat, Susie died yesterday. I knew it was coming...sort of. She had problems for quite a while. In the past 1.75 years maybe close to a dozen times she had pretty much stopped eating. Became very inactive, not said much, got down to skin and bones. I would think oh, oh. Here it comes, and brace myself for the end. Then she would come out, demand dinner, and start putting on weight again. She would be good for a couple more months, than slide down hill again. She could only walk a little a large part of the last 1.75 years, but she seemed happy enough. Actually maybe happier than she had been a good hunk of her life. She had been pretty much a bitch much of her life before her body started failing. Then she become a sweet heart. I took that as her way of saying..."Please don't kill me." So even though she became incontinent, and I hated living in a giant cat box. I dealt with it. I knew it would not last forever.
Her favorite thing in the world was to sit on my lap while I read in the rocking chair. I did not always encourage that. When her legs worked fine, she would constantly want to stand, and turn around which was quite painful for my legs. After she became incontinent I had to cover the chair with plastic. Lure her over to the cat box, and try to express as much urine as I could, than wrap her in a couple towels (in case she leaked) before I would let her in the chair with me. If I did not do this she sat by feet and loudly whined the whole time I tried to read. Neither was an easy option. I read a lot less.
When she started having another of her "bad spells" recently, I kept telling myself "tomorrow I will put her in the chair with me and read for a while, I know how much she loves it". But I was busy and did not do it. I wish I had.
The past week she started getting weaker. Was it cause she was not eating again, or more than that? Were her kidneys shutting down? A major cause of death in older cats, I knew that was a strong possibility. It had been a couple years since we had checked the levels at the vets. With her other problems it did not seem important to know. I never knew for sure what caused her problems walking. Several theories were suggested. The last year and a half, her vet thought the most likely cause was a tumor inside her spinal column. She would have to have and MRI, see a spinal surgeon, etc. She was 15 by then. The vet did not really recommend it, and even if she survived the surgery, she could have easily died of old age before I paid off all the bills. She did not seem to be in pain, and managed to get around. So we let it be.
My Grandmother adopted her in fall of 1994. She thought she was so beautiful. By spring of 1995, Granny was not doing well, and her and Susie came to live with me. Granny died in the summer of 1995, and Susie stayed with me until yesterday. So I had her 15.5 years. My best guess is that she would have been 17 in January. Old, but not ancient. But considering her other problems, a decent lifetime. I had asked her to stay until Jan. Hang out with me over the holidays, but I guess she was ready to go.
I wish I had taken more pics of her. I hardly have any. Until the last couple years, when she was on pred. she had scratched her face/ears constantly. She was frequently scabby from it. Drove me nuts! Different foods, or allergy meds did not seem to help. She had chronic ear infections. She ripped me to shreds every time I tried to put medicine in. Between the scratching herself and me, the "accidents", the terrorizing my other cat, Misty, I was too pissed at her to want to take a pic of the annoying scabby cat. Then the last couple of years, when that all changed, I hated to take pics of her while she was declining. I still don't have a digital camera. But hopefully have a couple decent ones on the actual roll of film in my
camera.
This is not her but it looks A LOT like her several years ago I "borrowed" it. (thanks, I will hopefully give it back eventually).
I normally spend the day digging a big deep hole to bury my animals. I think my grandmother would have opted for cremation. (for years I referred to her as Grandmas cat). Plus it was about 95 degrees today, and I need a new hip. So for the first time, I choose cremation. Not sure how I felt about it. There is something healing about digging the hole, putting some flowers and herbs in with my animal and knowing they would be here, dust to dust, in a yard they had played in. But....I did not know I would still be here 32 years later, and my yard is very full of buried pets now. May sound silly, but I felt the need to clean her up before I took her to be cremated. Her back end needed a good grooming. I don't have good nursing skills. The rest of her, not as bad, but there were still mats to be cut out, and a good brushing needed.
When I came home from work yesterday and saw she was still alive, but not doing too good, I took her outside. I laid her across my lap, and started to groom her and pet her. That was where she died. I don't know that it comforted me, but I think it comforted her to be in my lap being petted when when died. It was not too awful. It was kinda peaceful, she looked pretty relaxed. I was greatful I did not have to take her in to be put down. Glad she did not seem to have much pain.
I took her to the vets office today. That was hard. The cremation place picks her up from there. I opted to have her ashes returned. It was a lot more than not getting them back. I don't really want them back, but did not want to not get them either. I always liked the idea of imagining them "sleeping" in my yard forever.
The whole end of life thing sucks..
Yeah someday I will get another cat. But not before I recover from major surgery...probably next summer. I needed to wait until after the cat was gone.
Damn! 11 ducks, 1 friend, and 1 cat all in 4.5 months. That is way too much loss all crammed together. I am almost never lonely, but it sure feels lonely here now. Its way too quiet and empty here. The holidays will suck more than usual this year. Now I can gradually work on cleaning the place up after all the cat accidents the past 1.75 years. I can pull up the plastic floor mats, etc.
The quiet emptiness is really hard now. This afternoon I went to see the movie "Hereafter". It seemed appropriate. Just what I needed today. I will go back to work tomorrow. Then the empty weekend will begin. Much as I am looking forward to getting the house cleaned up, each little bit, will be almost like erasing a part of Susie. But I need to do it.
Rest well, Susie. . I hope I did enough right to make up for what I did not do right. (its not like you were the easiest cat either). Love you kitty.
This site has some good info also on cats, and coping with their death.
http://www.catsofaustralia.com/coping-cat-death.htm
My cat, Susie died yesterday. I knew it was coming...sort of. She had problems for quite a while. In the past 1.75 years maybe close to a dozen times she had pretty much stopped eating. Became very inactive, not said much, got down to skin and bones. I would think oh, oh. Here it comes, and brace myself for the end. Then she would come out, demand dinner, and start putting on weight again. She would be good for a couple more months, than slide down hill again. She could only walk a little a large part of the last 1.75 years, but she seemed happy enough. Actually maybe happier than she had been a good hunk of her life. She had been pretty much a bitch much of her life before her body started failing. Then she become a sweet heart. I took that as her way of saying..."Please don't kill me." So even though she became incontinent, and I hated living in a giant cat box. I dealt with it. I knew it would not last forever.
Her favorite thing in the world was to sit on my lap while I read in the rocking chair. I did not always encourage that. When her legs worked fine, she would constantly want to stand, and turn around which was quite painful for my legs. After she became incontinent I had to cover the chair with plastic. Lure her over to the cat box, and try to express as much urine as I could, than wrap her in a couple towels (in case she leaked) before I would let her in the chair with me. If I did not do this she sat by feet and loudly whined the whole time I tried to read. Neither was an easy option. I read a lot less.
When she started having another of her "bad spells" recently, I kept telling myself "tomorrow I will put her in the chair with me and read for a while, I know how much she loves it". But I was busy and did not do it. I wish I had.
The past week she started getting weaker. Was it cause she was not eating again, or more than that? Were her kidneys shutting down? A major cause of death in older cats, I knew that was a strong possibility. It had been a couple years since we had checked the levels at the vets. With her other problems it did not seem important to know. I never knew for sure what caused her problems walking. Several theories were suggested. The last year and a half, her vet thought the most likely cause was a tumor inside her spinal column. She would have to have and MRI, see a spinal surgeon, etc. She was 15 by then. The vet did not really recommend it, and even if she survived the surgery, she could have easily died of old age before I paid off all the bills. She did not seem to be in pain, and managed to get around. So we let it be.
My Grandmother adopted her in fall of 1994. She thought she was so beautiful. By spring of 1995, Granny was not doing well, and her and Susie came to live with me. Granny died in the summer of 1995, and Susie stayed with me until yesterday. So I had her 15.5 years. My best guess is that she would have been 17 in January. Old, but not ancient. But considering her other problems, a decent lifetime. I had asked her to stay until Jan. Hang out with me over the holidays, but I guess she was ready to go.
I wish I had taken more pics of her. I hardly have any. Until the last couple years, when she was on pred. she had scratched her face/ears constantly. She was frequently scabby from it. Drove me nuts! Different foods, or allergy meds did not seem to help. She had chronic ear infections. She ripped me to shreds every time I tried to put medicine in. Between the scratching herself and me, the "accidents", the terrorizing my other cat, Misty, I was too pissed at her to want to take a pic of the annoying scabby cat. Then the last couple of years, when that all changed, I hated to take pics of her while she was declining. I still don't have a digital camera. But hopefully have a couple decent ones on the actual roll of film in my
camera.This is not her but it looks A LOT like her several years ago I "borrowed" it. (thanks, I will hopefully give it back eventually).
I normally spend the day digging a big deep hole to bury my animals. I think my grandmother would have opted for cremation. (for years I referred to her as Grandmas cat). Plus it was about 95 degrees today, and I need a new hip. So for the first time, I choose cremation. Not sure how I felt about it. There is something healing about digging the hole, putting some flowers and herbs in with my animal and knowing they would be here, dust to dust, in a yard they had played in. But....I did not know I would still be here 32 years later, and my yard is very full of buried pets now. May sound silly, but I felt the need to clean her up before I took her to be cremated. Her back end needed a good grooming. I don't have good nursing skills. The rest of her, not as bad, but there were still mats to be cut out, and a good brushing needed.
When I came home from work yesterday and saw she was still alive, but not doing too good, I took her outside. I laid her across my lap, and started to groom her and pet her. That was where she died. I don't know that it comforted me, but I think it comforted her to be in my lap being petted when when died. It was not too awful. It was kinda peaceful, she looked pretty relaxed. I was greatful I did not have to take her in to be put down. Glad she did not seem to have much pain.
I took her to the vets office today. That was hard. The cremation place picks her up from there. I opted to have her ashes returned. It was a lot more than not getting them back. I don't really want them back, but did not want to not get them either. I always liked the idea of imagining them "sleeping" in my yard forever.
The whole end of life thing sucks..
Yeah someday I will get another cat. But not before I recover from major surgery...probably next summer. I needed to wait until after the cat was gone.
Damn! 11 ducks, 1 friend, and 1 cat all in 4.5 months. That is way too much loss all crammed together. I am almost never lonely, but it sure feels lonely here now. Its way too quiet and empty here. The holidays will suck more than usual this year. Now I can gradually work on cleaning the place up after all the cat accidents the past 1.75 years. I can pull up the plastic floor mats, etc.
The quiet emptiness is really hard now. This afternoon I went to see the movie "Hereafter". It seemed appropriate. Just what I needed today. I will go back to work tomorrow. Then the empty weekend will begin. Much as I am looking forward to getting the house cleaned up, each little bit, will be almost like erasing a part of Susie. But I need to do it.
Rest well, Susie. . I hope I did enough right to make up for what I did not do right. (its not like you were the easiest cat either). Love you kitty.
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