Britty Nov. 17-18.

I have a hard time getting out of bed, again.  Don't have to go to work, or DMV (thankfully).  I don't have to go give Britty her medicine and morning food.  But I still have Britty to deal with, and I don't want to.  This is not how I usually deal with a pets death.  Usually if it happens that morning, I deal with it that day.  If it happens latter, then the next day.  But of all the days for it to happen it was DMV eve.  Now I am just stalling.  I don't want to get up.  I don't feel like doing anything.  I don't want to call the cremation place.  (Circle of Life)  I don't want to sit in Sat. 5 south traffic to take her to Encinitas. 

It was afternoon before I was finally ready to give Britty her last bath.  I used cold water, and did not want to blow dry her too terribly much. (even though the blow drying was the part that she seemed to mind the least) I don't want her to "go bad"  so to speak.  I was horrified to see how skinny she was.  It looked like I did not feed her at all.  Yes I knew she was thin, but not this thin!  She was a lot thinner than last weeks bath.  She had been eating good until pretty recently.  I was ashamed.  I didn't want anyone to see her and see that I "let her get that way".  Did she have cancer and we didn't know it?  When Chrissie had cancer Dr. L. said give her as much as she wants cancer takes so much energy (calories) from them.  He never said he suspected that in Britty, and neither  did I.  It was like she lost half her body weight in two weeks, even eating almost as much as she had been. 

Ok, so I am sad and in shock, but finish the bath and try to dry her.  She just would not dry.  Don't know if it was using cold water, or that she was so cold when we started it or what, but it was taking forever.  Continue the grooming, deciding not to rush it, she could go to the vets tomorrow, what is one more day.  But I had made myself call Circle of Life, in case they didn't answer on a Sunday.  I wanted that all taken care of before I took her to the vets (esp. after the incident with making arrangements for Smokey).  So when I feel she is as well groomed as I can at this time, I put her back in the fridge to stay chilled until t.v. time. 

It was a little harder to watch t.v. with her this time.  Knowing it was to be our last time.  Talked to her and petted her. I kept asking her to please forgive me for not doing better.  Its not like I think she is mad at me.  It is just me feeling like I let her down.  Not sure I would not still be asking her forgiveness if I had put her down.  Nothing feels completely right at the end. Not what I do and not what I don't do.  So sorry sweet girl.

Sunday, Nov. 18.
We drive to the vets in Encinitas and I take her in.  Of course I have not called them.  I hate to make calls, and it is not like she needs an appt.  She is to be picked up the next day, so they can just hold her a day.  Yes,  they were a bit surprised when I show up with her.  They are not sure what to do or say.  Ask if I need a few minutes alone in a room with her.  No, I have done that.  Did I pet her and say goodbye or kiss her just before they took her away?  Kinda hope so, but I am just not sure.  Wanted to get this all written down before I forgot anything, but already feeling fuzzy.  I am barely holding it together, then after I hand her over, a woman standing by over hearing, says she is sorry.  Then I lost it and headed out the door.

I went directly to the Encinitas St. fair.  I had planned to go before loosing Britty, and now though I am certainly not feeling festive, I could really use the distraction.

I go to work the next day. First day getting up with no Britty in the house.   Don't tell anyone.  Don't want to talk about it.  Don't want to hear any of the things people say.  One thing that someone I really like always says (and of course did say when I finally told her a week or so later), is "are you going to get another one?"   I have called her on that before.  My reply is "I hope when your boyfriend dies, you wait a few days before getting another one".  But she seems unable to retain how insensitive that remark is.  First night watching t.v. with no Britty.

I still have the tugs though.  A dozen times a day, I feel this tug to go take care of her.  Her area was kitchen, dining area, family room.  When I am in the other part of the house, reading, watching t.v. in my room, brushing my teeth, I feel the tugs.  Time for Britty's medicine, time to feed Britty, time to go hang out with Britty.  Or when I am someplace else, I should go home now and take care of Britty.  Animals have been my life.  They are why I get up in the morning, and why I come home at night.  Feel like my purpose is gone now.  Sure it would be nice to decide to take a trip and just go.  I would love to go more places without worrying about them and spending lots more money to have them taken care of.  But I can't be without them either.  Traveling would be a sometimes thing.  Not an everyday thing.  Still feeling that all the life has been sucked out of the house feeling, and I do not like it.