Britty Oct. 2017-Nov. 2018

When Smokey died in Oct. 2017 Britty already was not doing well, and continued to get worse. I begged her not to go the same month as Smokey.  I could not bear it.  

Then it was please don't go at Thanksgiving time.
Then it was please don't go at Christmas time.
Then it was please don't go at New Years time.
Then for several months it was ok, I get it, you have hung in there for me this long.  If you feel like you have to go, it is ok.  I will miss you and be sad, but its ok, but  could you please make it on a Sunday?  (So I have the whole day to be sad and drive you to the vets to get picked up for cremation.  Did not tell her that part.)
Then it was please don't go at Easter.
Then please don't go when I have scary Dr./Dentist stuff coming up.  Or when my son was supposed to be in town.

At least a few times a week I was afraid I would find her dead in the morning, or when I came home from work.  I started putting stuff off.  "Well I will take care of that after Britty goes".

Then I could not get her meds refilled unless I took her in.  Did not want to.  I was afraid he would recommend putting her down.  But I could not run out of her meds, so off we went. 

Much to my surprise and relief, the vet  (Dr. L....apparently Dr. H. no longer works there, too bad, I liked him.) said he thought she was doing pretty good, and that I was doing a good job taking care of her.  He thought much of her problem was caused by E. Cuniculi.  I had gradually been thinking that also.  When she started having trouble walking, it seemed like arthritis to me.  When she suddenly got cataracts, that seems odd, I was concerned about infection.  When we saw Dr. H a few weeks later, he just said yes, cataracts can come on very suddenly like that.  It was not until several months or so later when I heard sudden cateracts can be a sign of E. Cuniculi, I started wondering. Looking back I wish he had suggested treating her for that then.  Her walking and eye sight may not have improved, but maybe treatment could have kept her from getting any worse.  Ok, back to the visit with Dr. L in July.  He said her weight has not changed much in the past 13 months.  She was alert, did not seem to be in any pain and her skin looked pretty good.  Said rabbits like this can go on for quite some time, as long as they are still eating and seem comfortable.  The thing that often leads to having to put them down is skin infection.  He refilled her pain meds. to keep her comfortable, and her sub q. fluids, which she had been totally out of for a few months.  Good visit.

After the visit I relaxed a bit.  Worried a bit less about finding her dead any time soon.  But still she had her good days and bad.  I was giving her almost 3 times the pellets I was giving her 5 years ago, just to try and keep her weight up.  Of course she was so full from the pellets, she barely ate any hay, but I felt like I had to, she needed the calories.  Her digestive system seemed to be doing pretty well.  My biggest worry was she did not drink enough water.  I was afraid her kidneys were going, both her age, and e. cuniculi make that likely.  For a long time I would pick her up several times a day and try and get her to pee.  She would lift her tail and shoot it away from her then she did not have to sit in it so much.  Then she got to the point, she was not lifting her tail.  Lack of strength or lack of muscle control?  I tried to lift it for her and she got all squirmy.  I was like "relax, this should not be hurting you".  Found out some time, later I think I broke her tail.  Felt horrible!!  I was not pulling hard, just trying to help her keep dry.  When I had first started bathing her, most of the fur on her tail had come off.  I think it was from being soaked in pee too long.  It grew back, then she stopped lifting it and was dribbling more, less shooting away from her, harder to keep her clean and dry.  She does not like being cleaned off.  I do a good job once a week, with a butt bath, and just a quick wipe down on other days.  Sometimes when I am holding her in one hand to clean her with the other, she acts like she is having a hard time breathing.  Is it stress or for real?  Don't know but she stops it when we are done. 
  
Then we are back to the "if you feel the need to go, it is ok, I will be sad, but I don't want you to stay just for me.  But could you do it on a weekend please?"  She has always been so polite.  Then it was Oct.  OK, please don't go on my birthday.  Please don't go when I go to Disneyland that week.  

She was still eating good.  (not much hay, but everything else good.)  So the first day that she didn't was right after the time change.  They had always gotten their pellets about 11:30 pm, just before I went to bed.  But as she got thinner and weaker I gave her a small hand full of pellets many times a day.  The vet had said as much as she wanted.  So the morning after the time change I get up and see most of her pellets were still there.  I was only a little concerned because at 11:30 on her biological clock it was 12:30, time to sleep and she had been snacking on pellets all evening.  She did a little better each day that week.  Figured she was adjusting to the time change, as was I.  

Then a week later I was going to go to San Diego to get supplies for her.  Mostly I don't go that far, but there is one type of pellet I have been unable to get locally any more.  It was suggested to give to older buns that have trouble keeping their weight up.  I was totally out, so was giving the other 2 good types of pellets for a day now.  I asked her, hey, if you are thinking of going any time soon now, please go before I drive down there and stock up.  But she seemed pretty normal Nov. 11, so off I went.

I really wanted to say please don't go until I get the DMV stuff sorted out. And she may have waited, she is so polite.  But I did not ask, I thought she is getting weaker, even if I don't end it for her, I have to quit asking her to stay. She has waited this long, what are the odds she would pick then to go, really?

Wednesday, Nov. 14 I come home and do a quick peek to see if she is still alive.  She was. I had to do something quick on the computer, so go do that.  Then I get distracted and spend the next hr. or so doing stuff that could have waited.  So by the time I go out to take care of her it was about 6:00 pm.  I can tell she is not good.  Way weaker.  Do I pack her in the car and try and get to her vets before they close at 7:00 and have her put to sleep?  I don't think there is that much that they can do for her at this point.  I have already questioned if her quality of life is decent or not, if she is really getting that much worse, maybe prolonging it is not the best thing, much as I want to.  It is not supposed to be about me and how hard that is.  I am only supposed to be doing what is best for her.  But it is like I can't really see or think correctly near the end.  I rationalize and wear blinders and never feel like I am doing right.  I wanted to give her a last bath before she went to the vets (dead or alive)  Both to lessen my embarrassment at not being a better Mom and to give her some dignity. Also if I did do it, I wanted it to be her vet.  Not someone that does not really know rabbits that might not give her the right dose.  And at 6:00, traffic is probably still bad, would I even make it there by 7:00 if I skipped the bath?  Remember she has been bad before, and gotten better, and I have blinders on and can't think straight.  Would it be more stressful for her to be taken in (1/2 hr. with normal traffic), or to go on her own here.  It seems like most good pet parents put their pets, to sleep.  Is it always the best solution?  There is a difference between "I really feel like crap".  and "I am in a lot of pain".  I got that she felt like crap, but I did not see a lot of pain.  But could well be wrong.

I don't take her.  Wish I had checked earlier, but I did not.  Guilty about that too. I don't want to move her too much, hoping if this was the time, she would just go to sleep and not wake up.  She did seem like she really wanted to just sleep.

But a while later I decide to try some sub cue fluids.  It might help her, or at least make her feel a bit better.  How can I do nothing?  I don't want to move her to the bathroom where I usually do it, and there is not much room for me to sit behind her like I usually do.  I am thinking she is so weak now, maybe she won't move.  There was only 1 unit left in the bag, which annoyed me.  Seems like there should have been about 1 1/2 units more.  I had it shut as tight as I could shut it, but it seems like some may have still managed to leak out. So I put the needle in, it feels like it is in ok, don't feel any liquid leaking out, and I leave the room for a while.  Idiot.  When I go check, either I was wrong about it being in right, or she did move, cause she is wet from it leaking out on her.  Pissed at myself.  I wasted it, and she might have benefited some from getting it under her skin, not on top of it.  Dry her off as best as I can without moving her.

A bit latter, I wrap her up in a towel to hold her while I watch t.v.  Usually I put her next to me, and even yesterday she seemed happy about that.  But now, I want to hold her.  I pick her up lots, but normally, except during bath time, I don't hold her a lot.  She did not hate it, but unlike Smokey, certainly did not crave it either, so it seemed to me.  But feel the need now, hoping maybe she would just slip away while I was holding her and petting her and telling her how much I loved her.

But when I am holding her, she seems like she is having trouble breathing.  It might be something about the position, I don't usually see that when she is lying down, so after a bit I put her down in her usual "lets watch t.v." spot.  She is weak, and wants to sleep.  But I do get her to eat a few bites.  Just in case this is not the end, don't want her to stop eating.

So it is time for bed, but she just wants to sleep.  So I decide to leave her where she is instead of putting her in her regular sleeping spot with her usual salad and pellets. She seems comfortable, just weak and sleepy.  So I cover her up to stay warm, kiss her goodnight, knowing she may not make it through the night.

Thursday Nov. 15.  I get up afraid of what I will find.  I hate that feeling of waking up with that horrible ache of dread in the stomach, (more than my ususal have to go to work dread). Will she be gone, or even worse, suffering and I damn better do something about it, no matter how much it kills me.  I go check and she is still alive.  She perks up a bit, and I give her a little food, so seems like she is weak, but has not totally given up yet.  I hate my job, but I am a good reliable employee and I already know I am calling in sick the next day to go to the DMV.  Feeling guilty about that, but I have to go.  I want to stay home with her.  But I would really feel guilty calling in 2 days in a row, when I am not really sick.  But I have not decided for sure I was taking her in, and if I had stayed home every day she did not seem great, I would have been home a lot.  So I set her up in her usual while I am at work spot, with some pellets, just in case, and guiltily go off to my crummy job (that I need).

I come right home after work, get to her a little before 5:00 pm, and she is gone.  Tried to tell by how she felt how long it had been.  I am no expert.  My guess was not all day, but probably at least an hr.  I hope she was not waiting for me.  I got home as soon as I could.  She was going to be cremated.  But have to take her to the vets for pick up for that.  I don't think I can give her her last bath and get her there at this time before they close. And I don't want to rush it.  

I am already a nervous wreck about going back to the DMV tomorrow for another eye test. I have been practicing reading stuff from across the room with my right eye.

NOOOOO! Not now! I can't even give her a bath and take her in the next morning, even calling in sick, cause I have a 9:20 DMV appt. and I have to go!

So I talk to her and pet her a little, and ask her to forgive me for not doing better. I put her in the refrigerator. Then that evening at t.v. time I do the Norman Bates thing and take her out to lay next to me, like I have done soooooo many times before she died. I arrange her like she was sleeping and cover her up except for her head, and pet her a while.

I guess I thought/hoped it might be easier this time because I had known it was coming on and off for a long time. Certainly not the best Mom, but an ok Mom most of the time I think. I thought I would beat myself up less this time. But no. Maybe that is part of the process for me.