Britty Oct. 2017-Nov. 2018

When Smokey died in Oct. 2017 Britty already was not doing well, and continued to get worse. I begged her not to go the same month as Smokey.  I could not bear it.  

Then it was please don't go at Thanksgiving time.
Then it was please don't go at Christmas time.
Then it was please don't go at New Years time.
Then for several months it was ok, I get it, you have hung in there for me this long.  If you feel like you have to go, it is ok.  I will miss you and be sad, but its ok, but  could you please make it on a Sunday?  (So I have the whole day to be sad and drive you to the vets to get picked up for cremation.  Did not tell her that part.)
Then it was please don't go at Easter.
Then please don't go when I have scary Dr./Dentist stuff coming up.  Or when my son was supposed to be in town.

At least a few times a week I was afraid I would find her dead in the morning, or when I came home from work.  I started putting stuff off.  "Well I will take care of that after Britty goes".

Then I could not get her meds refilled unless I took her in.  Did not want to.  I was afraid he would recommend putting her down.  But I could not run out of her meds, so off we went. 

Much to my surprise and relief, the vet  (Dr. L....apparently Dr. H. no longer works there, too bad, I liked him.) said he thought she was doing pretty good, and that I was doing a good job taking care of her.  He thought much of her problem was caused by E. Cuniculi.  I had gradually been thinking that also.  When she started having trouble walking, it seemed like arthritis to me.  When she suddenly got cataracts, that seems odd, I was concerned about infection.  When we saw Dr. H a few weeks later, he just said yes, cataracts can come on very suddenly like that.  It was not until several months or so later when I heard sudden cateracts can be a sign of E. Cuniculi, I started wondering. Looking back I wish he had suggested treating her for that then.  Her walking and eye sight may not have improved, but maybe treatment could have kept her from getting any worse.  Ok, back to the visit with Dr. L in July.  He said her weight has not changed much in the past 13 months.  She was alert, did not seem to be in any pain and her skin looked pretty good.  Said rabbits like this can go on for quite some time, as long as they are still eating and seem comfortable.  The thing that often leads to having to put them down is skin infection.  He refilled her pain meds. to keep her comfortable, and her sub q. fluids, which she had been totally out of for a few months.  Good visit.

After the visit I relaxed a bit.  Worried a bit less about finding her dead any time soon.  But still she had her good days and bad.  I was giving her almost 3 times the pellets I was giving her 5 years ago, just to try and keep her weight up.  Of course she was so full from the pellets, she barely ate any hay, but I felt like I had to, she needed the calories.  Her digestive system seemed to be doing pretty well.  My biggest worry was she did not drink enough water.  I was afraid her kidneys were going, both her age, and e. cuniculi make that likely.  For a long time I would pick her up several times a day and try and get her to pee.  She would lift her tail and shoot it away from her then she did not have to sit in it so much.  Then she got to the point, she was not lifting her tail.  Lack of strength or lack of muscle control?  I tried to lift it for her and she got all squirmy.  I was like "relax, this should not be hurting you".  Found out some time, later I think I broke her tail.  Felt horrible!!  I was not pulling hard, just trying to help her keep dry.  When I had first started bathing her, most of the fur on her tail had come off.  I think it was from being soaked in pee too long.  It grew back, then she stopped lifting it and was dribbling more, less shooting away from her, harder to keep her clean and dry.  She does not like being cleaned off.  I do a good job once a week, with a butt bath, and just a quick wipe down on other days.  Sometimes when I am holding her in one hand to clean her with the other, she acts like she is having a hard time breathing.  Is it stress or for real?  Don't know but she stops it when we are done. 
  
Then we are back to the "if you feel the need to go, it is ok, I will be sad, but I don't want you to stay just for me.  But could you do it on a weekend please?"  She has always been so polite.  Then it was Oct.  OK, please don't go on my birthday.  Please don't go when I go to Disneyland that week.  

She was still eating good.  (not much hay, but everything else good.)  So the first day that she didn't was right after the time change.  They had always gotten their pellets about 11:30 pm, just before I went to bed.  But as she got thinner and weaker I gave her a small hand full of pellets many times a day.  The vet had said as much as she wanted.  So the morning after the time change I get up and see most of her pellets were still there.  I was only a little concerned because at 11:30 on her biological clock it was 12:30, time to sleep and she had been snacking on pellets all evening.  She did a little better each day that week.  Figured she was adjusting to the time change, as was I.  

Then a week later I was going to go to San Diego to get supplies for her.  Mostly I don't go that far, but there is one type of pellet I have been unable to get locally any more.  It was suggested to give to older buns that have trouble keeping their weight up.  I was totally out, so was giving the other 2 good types of pellets for a day now.  I asked her, hey, if you are thinking of going any time soon now, please go before I drive down there and stock up.  But she seemed pretty normal Nov. 11, so off I went.

I really wanted to say please don't go until I get the DMV stuff sorted out. And she may have waited, she is so polite.  But I did not ask, I thought she is getting weaker, even if I don't end it for her, I have to quit asking her to stay. She has waited this long, what are the odds she would pick then to go, really?

Wednesday, Nov. 14 I come home and do a quick peek to see if she is still alive.  She was. I had to do something quick on the computer, so go do that.  Then I get distracted and spend the next hr. or so doing stuff that could have waited.  So by the time I go out to take care of her it was about 6:00 pm.  I can tell she is not good.  Way weaker.  Do I pack her in the car and try and get to her vets before they close at 7:00 and have her put to sleep?  I don't think there is that much that they can do for her at this point.  I have already questioned if her quality of life is decent or not, if she is really getting that much worse, maybe prolonging it is not the best thing, much as I want to.  It is not supposed to be about me and how hard that is.  I am only supposed to be doing what is best for her.  But it is like I can't really see or think correctly near the end.  I rationalize and wear blinders and never feel like I am doing right.  I wanted to give her a last bath before she went to the vets (dead or alive)  Both to lessen my embarrassment at not being a better Mom and to give her some dignity. Also if I did do it, I wanted it to be her vet.  Not someone that does not really know rabbits that might not give her the right dose.  And at 6:00, traffic is probably still bad, would I even make it there by 7:00 if I skipped the bath?  Remember she has been bad before, and gotten better, and I have blinders on and can't think straight.  Would it be more stressful for her to be taken in (1/2 hr. with normal traffic), or to go on her own here.  It seems like most good pet parents put their pets, to sleep.  Is it always the best solution?  There is a difference between "I really feel like crap".  and "I am in a lot of pain".  I got that she felt like crap, but I did not see a lot of pain.  But could well be wrong.

I don't take her.  Wish I had checked earlier, but I did not.  Guilty about that too. I don't want to move her too much, hoping if this was the time, she would just go to sleep and not wake up.  She did seem like she really wanted to just sleep.

But a while later I decide to try some sub cue fluids.  It might help her, or at least make her feel a bit better.  How can I do nothing?  I don't want to move her to the bathroom where I usually do it, and there is not much room for me to sit behind her like I usually do.  I am thinking she is so weak now, maybe she won't move.  There was only 1 unit left in the bag, which annoyed me.  Seems like there should have been about 1 1/2 units more.  I had it shut as tight as I could shut it, but it seems like some may have still managed to leak out. So I put the needle in, it feels like it is in ok, don't feel any liquid leaking out, and I leave the room for a while.  Idiot.  When I go check, either I was wrong about it being in right, or she did move, cause she is wet from it leaking out on her.  Pissed at myself.  I wasted it, and she might have benefited some from getting it under her skin, not on top of it.  Dry her off as best as I can without moving her.

A bit latter, I wrap her up in a towel to hold her while I watch t.v.  Usually I put her next to me, and even yesterday she seemed happy about that.  But now, I want to hold her.  I pick her up lots, but normally, except during bath time, I don't hold her a lot.  She did not hate it, but unlike Smokey, certainly did not crave it either, so it seemed to me.  But feel the need now, hoping maybe she would just slip away while I was holding her and petting her and telling her how much I loved her.

But when I am holding her, she seems like she is having trouble breathing.  It might be something about the position, I don't usually see that when she is lying down, so after a bit I put her down in her usual "lets watch t.v." spot.  She is weak, and wants to sleep.  But I do get her to eat a few bites.  Just in case this is not the end, don't want her to stop eating.

So it is time for bed, but she just wants to sleep.  So I decide to leave her where she is instead of putting her in her regular sleeping spot with her usual salad and pellets. She seems comfortable, just weak and sleepy.  So I cover her up to stay warm, kiss her goodnight, knowing she may not make it through the night.

Thursday Nov. 15.  I get up afraid of what I will find.  I hate that feeling of waking up with that horrible ache of dread in the stomach, (more than my ususal have to go to work dread). Will she be gone, or even worse, suffering and I damn better do something about it, no matter how much it kills me.  I go check and she is still alive.  She perks up a bit, and I give her a little food, so seems like she is weak, but has not totally given up yet.  I hate my job, but I am a good reliable employee and I already know I am calling in sick the next day to go to the DMV.  Feeling guilty about that, but I have to go.  I want to stay home with her.  But I would really feel guilty calling in 2 days in a row, when I am not really sick.  But I have not decided for sure I was taking her in, and if I had stayed home every day she did not seem great, I would have been home a lot.  So I set her up in her usual while I am at work spot, with some pellets, just in case, and guiltily go off to my crummy job (that I need).

I come right home after work, get to her a little before 5:00 pm, and she is gone.  Tried to tell by how she felt how long it had been.  I am no expert.  My guess was not all day, but probably at least an hr.  I hope she was not waiting for me.  I got home as soon as I could.  She was going to be cremated.  But have to take her to the vets for pick up for that.  I don't think I can give her her last bath and get her there at this time before they close. And I don't want to rush it.  

I am already a nervous wreck about going back to the DMV tomorrow for another eye test. I have been practicing reading stuff from across the room with my right eye.

NOOOOO! Not now! I can't even give her a bath and take her in the next morning, even calling in sick, cause I have a 9:20 DMV appt. and I have to go!

So I talk to her and pet her a little, and ask her to forgive me for not doing better. I put her in the refrigerator. Then that evening at t.v. time I do the Norman Bates thing and take her out to lay next to me, like I have done soooooo many times before she died. I arrange her like she was sleeping and cover her up except for her head, and pet her a while.

I guess I thought/hoped it might be easier this time because I had known it was coming on and off for a long time. Certainly not the best Mom, but an ok Mom most of the time I think. I thought I would beat myself up less this time. But no. Maybe that is part of the process for me.

DMV Oct. 8, 2018

 DMV

This October my drivers license was set to expire.  I have not been in a DMV in many, many years.  But as I feared, when I got the letter they said this year you must go in and get a new picture, thumb print ant take the eye test.  Oh great!  Well too early to make an appt. now, who knows what I will be doing that week now (a few months earlier).  I have never made an appt. before, but I see the long lines on t.v. and think they must be ones without appts.  I won't do that, 3 weeks should be enough time to get an appt.  Right?  Well I kept forgetting and it was 15 days before it expired when I remembered to go on line to make an appt.   The first one they offered me was 3 days after it was to expire.  2nd was 8 weeks later, 3rd was the month after that!   I had no idea!  I was afraid to drive with an expired license.  I just kept trying for the next week hoping something would open up.  I tried the 3 offices closest to me.  Also checked the wait times, which varied greatly, but was not in a position to just head over if a short wait showed up.  I was to drive to Orange county the day after my license expired.  They will give you a ticket for breathing wrong.  I was getting no where with the appts. 

So the day before it was to expire, first day of my week off, I got up early to take my car in the shop.  Not happy about it, but wanted to get my brakes checked before I drove it much more.  They checked, cleaned and adjusted it, said they just had some air in the lines that they bled out.  Only felt a little better, not what I paid better, but had some piece of mind about them being ok.  Got out fairly early, did a little shopping, got a snack and headed to the DMV to start my wait.  

I was super nervous.  Just being there!  Plus my eyes are not great.  I was super near sighted when I was younger.  HATED wearing glasses SO much.  Tried contacts, but after a couple years I could not wear any more, then back to glasses.  Eventually I had surgery to improve my eyesight.  My right eye has never responded like it was expected.  But eventually it did improve enough I was able to get the hated "must wear corrective lens" off of my license.

Well, I guess I did not realize your eyes will continue to change, and eventually I was not seeing good enough.  Had more surgery, but again right eye did not respond as expected.  Had only recently had surgery when I last went to the DMV.  I managed to squeak through passing but just barely.  I see well enough with both eyes.  I see well enough with my left eye, but my right eye alone is the problem.  Luckily I do not drive with one hand over my left eye.

Cataract surgery a few years ago with a lens implant was to restore my distance vision in right eye.  It did not.  I can read close up with it, but no distance. 

So very nervous.  I think while I am there I will get the Real ID license that will be needed for flying in a year (or two), just in case.  Have not flown in years, but you never know.  Dig out my birth certificate, Social Security card, proof of address, think I am all set for that at least.  Get there and they want my marriage certificate.  "I am not married."  Well how did you go from the name on your birth certificate to the name on your social security card?  "Well, when I got married, I sent in a copy of the marriage certificate to SS and they sent me a SS card with that name on it, and now 40 years after my divorce I am still using that name."  Nope you can not get the Real ID without your marriage certificate, EVEN 40 YEARS after your divorce!  Quite annoyed about that.  Ok, fine, just do regular for now, it will expire tomorrow.  I will have to come back later to try the real id again.  

On to the dreaded eye test.  The letters are REALLY tiny and quite a ways behind the person on the other side of the counter.  No, not a standard eye chart.  

I read enough to pass with both eyes (no glasses) and with my left eye (no glasses), but not even close with just my right eye.  Try it with the glasses I had with me.  (the ones I keep in my car to wear when I drive at night, or if I am looking for an address-I can see it a few feet sooner, but for general in my area day time driving, they do not seem necessary).  I did a bit better with both and with left, and maybe got a couple correct with my right eye, but not nearly enough.  She tries the machine on the counter, but still no pass.  "But I don't drive with my good eye covered"!!!!  I will give you a 59 day extension. Here is a form to take to your eye Dr. to have them fill it out, and bring it back.  Maybe they will proscribe new glasses and you can try again.  If I still don't pass?   (glaucoma has destroyed some receptor cells in that eye.  I have lost a lot of my color vision and not sure a different prescription will be enough).  Well then they might take you on a driving test, and see how you do on the road.   Terror!  I am a decent driver, but have not taken a driving test in so long!  Just the idea makes me so nervous I can barely think or think I can drive well.  

No ones wants to loose their license.  But I am still working, I live alone, have no family in the area, and there are no buses, or trains in my area.  Terrified.  What if I don't pass?!  I will have to take early retirement, and I will have to sell my house and move where there are buses.  I probably can't afford it and may end up homeless.  I am really in a panic.

I realize that the RX in the glasses I had with me, was not the most recent.  Last year I was so busy between my eye exam in Nov. and Christmas, getting new glasses was going to have to wait until that week between Christmas and New Years.  8:00 PM New Years Eve  it hit me.  Oh no, I forgot to go get new glasses!  There goes this years eye glass benefit down the tubes.  Yes, I could have gone in after the first of the year, but thought, now there is no hurry, I may just wait until my annual fall exam. 

I did get new lenses the year before.  I kept them in the other car, for those times I was using that one, and was not going to make it home before dark.  Tried comparing those with the ones I wore.  Slightly better, probably still not enough to pass.

Get in to see the eye Dr. with my form to fill out.  I am still so nervous I am jabbering non stop while he is trying to fill it out and examine my eyes.  He says he is surprised that I did not pass.  My eyes have not changed that much.  Yes, I am able to read what he asks me to with the lens he has selected.  But it seems to me that the letters are bigger and closer than at the DMV chart.  I am like,  Not good enough.  "I need to be able to see through walls with these!".   

The next week I take the new, only slightly different RX to two different eye wear places.  I was going to use my insurance benefit for a fancy new pair of progressives.  (for those times when driving when I have to read a map, or things like that).  And a cheaper pair of single vision distance (no adjustment time needed) to go take my test with.

The next week I gather up the new glasses.  When I try them on and do not immediately see way better with just my right eye, both places said it may take from a few minutes to an hr. for your eyes to fully adjust to seeing their best in them.  Could all this have been prevented in I had worn my glasses for the entire hour I was waiting?  But I can't stand them on my face that long, or walk with them, or look at people.  They bug me too much, plus I was still hoping to squeak by with no must wear corrective lens restriction.  Well that did not work very well.  

Meanwhile I had tried a few times to get an appt.  I was going either way, but on my last attempt, I got one for Oct. 16 at 9:20.  I had planned to go the week before, but actually the glasses were not even ready till the end of the week, and 9:20 was a good time for me.  I had decided not to ask for the time off.  I was nervous enough about going in without thinking I am supposed to be at work in a couple hours, this is taking too long, etc.  Plus it is hard to get time off at this time of year.  I hate calling in sick if I am not.  But if I did not get the time off, I still had to go and it would look really bad if I ask and am told no, then call in sick.  So just planned to call in sick and go.  No time pressures.

Smokey's Last Few Months

Can't believe it has been 2 years since I have posted.  What, I only feel the need when I am feeling heartbroken?  Looks like it.

Smokey was my little gray rabbit. He came to me, I believe, in April 2010.  He lived with my friend Mark, until Mark had to go into a nursing home.  Some of this is in my last post, and this is his last few months, so moving on.


It is recommended to do an annual check up on bunnies, and twice a year when they get older.  I thought about it, but time and money, etc, never did it.  But after loosing Chrissy, I managed to get both her sister Britty, and little Smokey in a few months later.  I believe it was Feb. 2016.  It was my first time seeing Dr. H.  I was concerned.  I had seen Dr. L. before, it is hard to find a good bunny vet.  But Dr. L now works 0 hrs that I am not working, and it was easier to get in to see Dr. H.  I liked him.  He seemed amazed at how well Smokey was doing for his age (appx. 11 1/2 then).  Suggested they should both have base line blood tests done then, and to keep costs down I could do one this time, the other next.  Britty is about 1 1/2 years younger but was slowing down more than he was, so we did hers.  Everything was good.



Since then some other bun issues have come up.  Britty has become a lot less mobile.  She can only walk a couple steps occasionally.  But she gets around.  We think it is likely  arthritis in her back legs, or hips, or back, maybe all.  She has been on anti-inflammatory pain meds a year now.  So do I get them in in Feb. for at least an annual check up?   No.....it is June before we get in.  By that time Britty has gone blind.  It happened suddenly.  I think it is cataracts, but never knew that to be so fast!  It happened Memorial Day weekend.  So I also wanted to make sure that was all it was, not some thing even worse.  Poor girl had no time to get used to it gradually.



Now they are both doing pretty good.  But there is Britty's mobility problem, which is not uncommon in older rabbits.  And now neither one of them is good about using their bunny boxes.  They were good for many years, then about a year ago I started seeing more poops not in the box.  Figured it was probably their age, they just could not help it anymore.  Well, at least it just sweeps up.  Happy they are still here and doing OK.  Then sometime between a year ago and June, I started finding pee accidents.  First assumed it was Britty with her mobility issue, then found it was actually both of them.  When Dr. H. was examining him, he almost peed on the Dr.  He said, well, I am pushing on his bladder. When they asked me if they had excessive drinking or peeing, I hesitated, Smokey had been drinking more, but so often I had not thought he was drinking enough, so this just seemed good and normal. Then also in that same time period, that I can't pin down except less than 1 year and more than 4 months this started,  I would get up or come home and find Smokey on his side kicking frantically. At first I thought it was a seizure, or he had laid down and not been about to get back up.  But after I set him back up and he got his bearings he was off like a shot again, running, like a toy train off the track. It did not happen every day, but regularly.  Then I thought maybe he was trying to groom and when he twisted around lost his balance. He had not been grooming as well.  I had been giving Britty butt baths about once a week for a while.  Maybe early this year?  Not sure, but eventually started with Smokey too.  He was shocked, but tolerated it.
So when I mentioned the falling down to Dr. H. he seemed to  think it might be arthritis, give him some of the pain meds too if I felt like he needed it.  Mostly I didn't think he needed it, but sometimes after he had been stuck on his side for quite a while, and seemed upset about it, I would.

So at the June check up I expected Dr. H. to suggest the blood work for Smokey that we had only done on Britty at their last check up.  He didn't and since I was also stocking up on more pain meds and some new flea treatment (the Advantage that worked so well for us for years, just was not cutting it anymore).  I did not ask for it either.  After all, they were doing pretty good for old bunnies.  Now I regret not asking.  That might have been a good time to catch something early enough to start supportive care, and maybe buy some time.  But I did not ask.

Now it is the end of July.  Smokey seems just the same happy go lucky little guy he has been.  But Britty is going downhill.  She seemed to go from thin to just a bag of bones real quick.  One day I picked her up and she was so limp.  Couldn't stand, did not want to eat or drink, I thought I was going to loose her.  I remembered Dr. L telling me to get Calf Manna for Chrissy.  It was really high in calories.  I had some still, and gave Britty some.  She inhaled it.  Online bunny people said not to give them too much, it could cause digestive issues, so I limited it. I also started giving her extra other pellets.  She gained weight and got stronger.  It was like I had build a new bunny.  I was glad, but felt bad, like I had been starving her.

For pet bunnies, pellets are like mac and cheese.  Nothing wrong with a serving a day, but you can't let your kids fill up on that and not eat any of the more healthy foods they need.  For bunnies hay is supposed to be number 1 and often giving more pellets make them less interested in hay.  So I tried to give Britty extra when Smokey was not looking.  Eventually he caught on and wanted what she had, but his digestive system has always been more delicate. I couldn't take a chance that he wouldn't want his hay, so I would usually pick him up and hold him while Britty was getting her extras, so he didn't get too many and not eat his hay.  As it was they were both still eating hay, but less than they used to. 

Meanwhile Smokey is drinking more and more.  I first thought diabetes, but apparently that is very uncommon is bunnies.  Then I though maybe his kidneys were wearing out.  Not at all uncommon in rabbits.  I didn't think there was much they could do for that, so I did not take him back in.    He is still running around like crazy, but much of it was to the water dish and back.  He still fell over, but was still eating well.  And I believe around Aug. 1 he turned 13.  I was thrilled to still have him, have to expect a few problems by that age, right?   He loved to be brushed, and loved to be held.  I would hold him like a baby and pet his head, and he would go right to sleep.  Then to wake him up I would rub his ears, and he would start washing his paws.  It was the cutest thing ever, and he had the cutest little bunny lips.  I always wanted to get a video of that, but with only 2 hands did not think I could manage to get a good one.  I so regret not getting one of that.  But it had gotten you never knew when he was going to start squirting pee.  I had started holding him over a bunny box and pushing on his belly a little when I let him out or went to hold him, to cut down on accidents.  Of course he was not crazy about it, but did not seem to mind.

By the end of Sept. I started thinking, what if I was wrong about his kidneys wearing out and there not being much that can be done about all the peeing? So I take him in to Dr. H.  He is tiny.  Don't remember his weight in June, but it is down a little.  2.32 lbs.  I tell him he is slowing down a bit, falling over a bit more, and drinking and peeing tons.  When the tech tries to  take his temp. he pees.  He of course was being very good.  Almost too good, he is usually a bit more wiggly. He said we should do blood work to check his kidney function (among other things).  I said if it came back his kidneys were not working as well as they should what would you recommend?  He said he would recommend sub-q fluids to help them along.  I remembered doing that to my cat Misty when her kidney tests came back showing them slowing down.  It seemed to help.  And I had done it years ago when Smokey was not eating well, and eventually he got better.  He squeezed out some urine and did a urine test.  Said it had a few crystals, and a few red blood cells.  He did not have a raging infection, but he might have a low grade infection.  We could start with a course (10 days) of antibiotics  first.  I thought that sounded good.  I asked the tech. later if we did do the blood test how much it would be.  She said there are several, but it would probably be the $178. one that he sends out. I kinda regret that I did not get the blood work done, but then too, doing the antibiotics first sounded reasonable.  Maybe it would have given us more info early enough to have bought some time.  But again, I was stocking up on flea meds and pain meds, and he acted like it was fine to wait and see if this helped first.

No difference at first.  But I thought with his weight down a little maybe I would let him share Brittys extra pellets.  It seemed to help her a lot.  He was running around a little less, less trips to the water.  Thought maybe it was helping. But he was  a bit more wobbly.  I would think, oh, I should go get him and hold him.  Oh, wait until he gets closer to a bunny box, in case he starts squirting when you pick him up.  I regret not holding him more then.  He would still come and tell me if  dinner was late, still follow me around like a puppy, or sit by me wanting attention.  I love Britty, but she is more serious.  Smokey could be a silly rabbit.  Week two of antibiotics, and he is eating less.  He is way less excited about water. Still eating, but slowly, not inhaling, and less excited about it.  Now I am urging him to eat and drink, whereas two weeks ago he could not get enough of either.  I am giving him a little pain meds most days, just in case.  Plus it can increase their appetite. 

Now it is Monday, Oct. 9.  My birthday.  I have the week off that I am so looking forward to, and it is October, my favorite month. Should be full of joy.  But I am worried about Smokey.  I am supposed to drive 36 miles north and meet friends from out of state to then drive up to Knotts Berry Farm.  I only see them once a year.  We have not been in 30 years, it is my birthday and I have the tickets.  Feeling guilty about leaving Smokey, I go.  I know he would spill a water bowl in his little area, not sure if he would drink out of a bottle, or that blind Britty would find it.  I thought if I left him food, Britty would eat it before he had a chance.  Did not want to separate them.  Of course he had hay, but had not been very interested in that.  So I try to get as much food and water in him as I can before I go.  Have fun, but feeling like a horrible Mom.  I get home 14 hrs. later praying not to find him dead.  No, but close.  I don't think he had eaten or drank anything while I was gone.  I spend the next 2 hrs. trying to get a tiny bit of food and water in him.  It was just a week or 2 ago that all he wanted to do was eat and drink.  Of course I did let him drink all he wanted, but I still put a limit on his pellets.  Now I am thinking those were the good old days, if I could just go back and let him eat and drink to his hearts content.  But then again, stasis can be caused by too many pellets, not enough hay.  I must have done something right to get him to 13, but sure don't feel like I know what I am doing this week.

One of my biggest joys in life is sleeping late on a day off and that wonderful feeling of, oh, I don't have to go to work.  I can go back to sleep or do what ever when I get up. Did not get any of that.  My usually very quiet neighbor hood had some noise every morning that woke me up.  Than I would remember Smokey and get that feeling of dread, oh no.  Is this the morning that I will find him dead, or suffering?  I hate waking to that.  Plus you add in all the fires and Chrissy dying 2 years ago, and my favorite month is looking a lot less shiny and happy.

So now it is Tuesday, Oct 10.  I was up late, and laying there afraid to get up.  When I do I find Smokey is still here.  Weak, but got him to eat and drink some, so he was trying and that made me feel better.  Did some stuff around the house stopping to check on Smokey and try and get food and water in him.

Wed.  Wake to the feeling of dread.  Smokey still here.  Now I am getting fuzzy.  Not sure how much he ate or drank.  But now he looks puffy.  There may have been a bit of that the day before, I was concerned he might be going into stasis, between all the pellets i had been letting him have, and the 14 hrs. I was gone and he probably did not eat or drink.But now it looks worse.  That can't be good.

Rabbit parents live in fear of stasis.  If a rabbit is not eating and drinking enough and getting enough fiber their digestive system can shut down, gas forms, then they are uncomfortable and really don't want to eat, toxins can develop and they can die in 24 hrs. if they are not eating and pooping. And even worse is bloat.  Don't remember if it has the same causes now, but it is even more deadly, with a very poor survival rate. But his belly was squishy, it would be harder with bloat, so I am doing what I would do for stasis.  Belly massage, any food I can get in him, lots of liquids, baby gas drops, but I don't have the sub-q fluids that also help.   Decide to take him back to vets.  Dr. H. is not in, Dr. L. will see me if I can get in asap, but there will be an extra $35 fee for working me in.   I was  racing to get there at 11:00.  It was about 11:05, and we didn't see the Dr. for about another 20 min.  Now he just seems annoyed and rushed.  He is not looking at his chart right.  We were in 12 days ago.  Saw a few normal looking poops when we were there, so still had some hope. He wants to do blood tests.  I say well, if it shows his kidneys are not working well won't you just suggest sub-q fluids?  Yes, but it could show it is too late for that.  Well I want to try.  So you want to treat the symptoms at this point?  Yes. We can do that.  I will give him an injection to jump start his system, meds to go home to help keep things moving, sub-q fluids to help him stay hydrated, and move things along.  (standard treatments for stasis)  Did not do the blood tests.  At this point it may have been too late and it it was sent out, he may have been dead before I got the results, so less regret this time about them.  He still weighs 2.32 which I thought was kinda odd, but good, he has not lost. I have done the sup-q fluids, but it has been a while, so the tech comes in to give him his first round and give me a refresher.  I take him home and get a bit of food and water in that day.  Wrap him up in a towel and hold him for a while that night.  Had thought about going to Julian the next day.  Vacation is half over now, but don't want to leave him.

Thurs.  Wake up with dread.  When I pick up Smokey first thing, he is opening his little mouth big like he is saying HELP!  Oh no!  Is he having trouble breathing?  I just keep blowing in his face and he calms down a bit.  Got a bit of food and water in him.  That afternoon I go to give him his sub-q fluids.  It goes ok, and I am thinking this is good, hydrate that gut, and help flush some of the toxins out.  Well later on he is doing the help thing more and more.  Now I am thinking OH NO, did I make it worse?   Is all that fluid pressing on his lungs and making it hard for him to breathe?  What have I done?!  Then I think back to Dr. L the day before.  I had said I was giving him baby gas drops.  He kinda poo pooed that, said he didn't think he had a lot of gas.  I had just thought he was thinking OTC meds are a waste, you should just the RX we can sell you.  Now I am thinking did he think that was fluid from failing kidneys his body was unable to get rid of and now I have just given him abut 75cc more!!  Why did he not explain that?  If we went back would they put a needle in and suck out enough fluid for his lungs to work better?  No, they would say its time to put him down.  I don't want to go back and do that.  He may die before we got there, but I don't want him to suffer either.  He said on Wed. he did not think he was in pain.  Good.  But he is at least in discomfort now.  What to do, what to do?  I did not take him.  I did kinda squeeze him a few times, thinking if he could just pee a lot of it out, he would be more comfortable, but now he is peeing less.  Is he now unable to pee and I put all this fluid in?  I  knew he would want to be held when he died.  But would it be 2 hrs or 2 days?  I did not want to pick him up if he was sleeping hoping he was more comfortable then, and if it was time he would just go in his sleep.

Friday, Oct. 13......figures, huh?  Wake up, wasn't sleeping well anyway, but still lay there trying, and too much of a coward to go face Smokey.  So afraid of what I will find.  I had covered him with a towel to keep him warm  (his temp. was down on Wed. at the vets.  and I had not even noticed).  I think he is gone, and don't want to check.  But I do and he stirs.  I pick him up and he is a little limp, but alive, feels less puffy.  I squeeze a little before I wrap him up to hold and some pee comes out.  Happy to see that, he opens his mouth big and  lets out a small squeak.  Wrap him up and he immediately seems peaceful.  Not sure when he died.  I hope it was after I got him all wrapped up and started petting him, but it was probably less than a minute.  Held and petted quite a while to be sure.  Did not want to unwrap and look for breathing.  Thought I felt a bit of breath from his nose, but not sure.  It was fast.  I don't think I broke him when I squeezed, it was not any harder than I had been, but I will never know.  I kinda feel like he was just waiting to say goodbye to me before he went.  And I am in bed being a coward, making him wait.  I could have gotten up and let him be at peace sooner if he was waiting for me, or at least held him longer, but I wimped out.  Bad Mom again. 
I had breakfast, got dressed, then gave him a bath.  I know it sounds silly.  But it is like one last act of caring for him, and giving him dignity before he goes away forever.  

Then what?  I had always buried my animals in my yard.  But.....I have been here over 30 years and that is a lot of animals.  When Suzy my Grandma's cat died, I had her cremated, cause I think that is what Granny would have done.  When Chrissy died (at the vets)  I had her cremated.  Partly it was alllllll the animals in my yard, and partly not wanting to drive home with a dead bunny.   So I knew I would need to cremate Smokey and Britty to feel like they were "all together"  if not in my yard, at least in boxes on the shelf.  I had thought about keeping Smokey in the freezer until Britty goes, and doing them together, but decided against that.  Had looked on line about it, but could not bring myself to make any calls about it.  So now I have to call.  With Suzy I used Circle of Life arranged thru her vets office.  They don't see bunnies, but are way closer than the bunny vet.  I call and Circle of Life says $105. plus what ever handling charge your vet adds on, unless I want to drive him to them in the next county.  They would pick up at the Humane Society.  They (HS) are pretty close, but have been there twice this week on another matter, and am a little annoyed, plus I was afraid with all their animals it would be too easy to have a mix up. I know with Chrissy her vets were using Peaceful Paws.  I call them and they would give me no prices.  Said it had to go through a vets office.  (and unlike the other place, she was a little bitchy)  But the cat vet said I could not bring my bunny there.  So after Smokey's bath I just drive to his vets and say I am here to make cremation arrangements.   They put me in a room and come in and say it would be $69.  I am thinking wow, that is great.  But no..for that you don't get the ashes back (and apparently I need that ) I said, no I wanted the one I got 2 years ago.  So she comes back and says $200 something!  I think it was about $212.  I was too shocked to register it correctly.  He is 2.32 lbs.!  I expected a handling fee, but if their price was any thing like The Circle of Life, then they were adding a 100 % handling fee!  The other one around had reviews not as good, and had no experience with them.  It took us 40 minutes to get there.  It would be at least that long to go to the Humane Society.  I don't know what to do.  I can't think.  I don't want to be so cheap.  Maybe if I had asked for that blood tests in June I would not be doing this now.  But I have not even paid off the last two visits to the vets yet.  She is trying to be nice, but does not know what to do with me.  Well, maybe we can get him in at the not over 2 lb. mark, that would only be about $169.  Yeah, better, but he was 2.32 two days ago!  She goes and gets a scale, and we weigh him, it keeps saying 3 something, maybe 3.11.  I keep saying that is not possible, he was 2.32 two days ago.  Well, maybe he has a full bladder. I could have them try and express that.  No, he has been through enough.  If 3.11 was correct he must have 3/4 lb. of fluid in him he did not have 2 days earlier.  Did I make it worse with the fluid?  Now I am thinking I did.  He was better before it.  But if we had not done it, I would have wondered if that would have helped.  Losing him is hard enough, it is all the regrets that make it even worse.  Now here I am being a pain about the high cost of cremating my tiny boy!
I ended up calling Circle of Life, putting $105. on my credit card.  They will pick him up there on Mon. and return his ashes there in about 1 week.  Not looking forward to going to get them, but at least it seemed like the best resolution.  The whole time we were talking I had him wrapped in a towel, with just his head and ears out like he liked to be petted.  He just looked asleep like that.  I kept petting his head while we talked.  I must have looked like a nut case.  Felt like one.

Then I left him and cried all the way to IHOP where I ate my feelings.  Plus it was after 4:00 by then and had not eaten since breakfast.  

I still can't believe he is gone.  Know he could not last forever, but it seemed last week, or maybe the week before that he was running around my feet, when I walked asking for attention.   Now there is just the big hole in my heart and the haunting of what I should have done differently. 

Britty seems depressed.  She is 11 1/2 now.  Don't expect her to make it until 13.  I can't handle this again any time soon! 
  

CHRISSY

CHRISSY

Chrissy went to Bunny Heaven two days ago.  Let me talk about her a little bit.

Lets go back to when Andy died in Nov. 2006.  I had had Andy 12 years, figured he had probably been about 13 when he died.  That is a good long life for a bunny and he had had some chronic health problems, so it was not a big surprise or a big shock.  He had not been doing well, I had been giving him medication and he died at night (hopefully in his sleep) at home.  I have very much enjoyed not having any bunnies die for almost 9 years.  It has been great.

So I took a small break of no bunnies to honor his memory and get my mind and heart ready for another bunny.  This time I looked on line at all the local shelters.  What I was looking for was a bonded all ready neutered pair, that did not look too much like Andy (it was too soon for that).  That narrowed it down to a young pair,  at the Oceanside shelter that had not been there that long, and a pair at the Escondido shelter that had been there almost a year.  The card on their cage estimated they were born Jan. 2006.  But I don't know, maybe that was just their arrivar date, and they were a little older.  But I used that for their birthday. So on Christmas Eve 2006, I went to Escondido to get my new bunnies.  I passed so many that came to the front of their cage saying "pick me, pick me".  It was hard but I had already decided on sisters named Brittney and Christina.  They had been found running loose and had been there almost a year.  They looked very healthy but showed no interest in me.  They had given up.  They had each other and their food and just sat there looking like big ticks.  The staff had done their best to care for them, but with so many, could not possibly get out much or get much interaction, and I believe had gotten a few too many pellets.  

Home we went.  I put them in their 3 story condo in my kitchen and gave them some time to get used to their new environment.  I did not know which was which, but decided I would call the one with the crooked Hitler mustache Chrissy, and her sister Britty.  I thought they would be thrilled to be here after all that time at the shelter.  Bigger cage, eventually more run time, probably more food variety. They did not like the pellets I served, or the carrots, or most of the greens.  They approved of the hay and the cilantro, and that was it.  OK, they could stand to loose a little weight, but I was concerned.  Eventually they grew to love it all and ate well, esp. Chrissy.  Britty was always very gentle and careful about eating food.  She would politely take something from your hand and chew it well.  While Chrissy would inhale it, while I quickly drew back any fingers I hoped to keep.  I think she barely chewed a lot of it, so she could quickly get more.

I started to give them more freedom out of their cage, and they were so good I was amazed.  I got lucky.

Then they got more comfortable.  Their family room run area looked like a herd of 2 yr. olds had been there.  Sure I tried to bunny proof, but removing all the furniture so they would not eat it was not an option.  So they were restricted to being out when I could watch them.  As they got older they got better and were sometimes allowed out longer, but I am still pretty sure if I crawl around looking for damage, I will find more than I am aware of.

Chrissy refused to walk on any slippy floor.  I had to keep a runner rug properly positioned in front of the cage, with a cat tunnel at right angles to that to "safely" get to the carpeted area.  If anything was out of place she would not return to her cage when run time was over.   As she got older she learned if she went really slow, she could survive the dreaded slippy floor.  But she still preferred the tunnel route.

Chrissy and Britty were very close.  They slept together, shared their food, groomed each other. But they were so different.  Britty was sweet, easy, agreeable.  Chrissy was bossy, and stubborn and sometimes cranky.  Every once in a while, for no apparent reason, she would go after Britty.  Chasing her trying to bite her, leaving mouthfuls of fur in her wake.  Britty was terrified and confused.  She could not figure out what happened.  Then after a few days or a week, they would work it out and it would be all peaceful again until the next time.  Never knew what set Chrissy off.  Eventually Britty stated fighting back.  Chrissy could not believe it.  She would sit in her bunny box for a day or two, just shocked.  Eventually they would work it out again and all was good.  I would say they were good together about 80% of the time, so I never considered separating them.

Then in 2009 I got a call from an old friends sister.  Mark was very ill, would I take his bunny Smokey.  My house is not big enough to keep bunnies separated for long .  Smokey was a house rabbit, Mark did not want me to put him outside in the old hutch I still had.  I figured Britty would accept him pretty easily, but I did not think Chrissy would.  Well, we had a hard time working out the logistics, of getting me the bunny and what I would do with him.  Plus, for quite a while Mark was hoping to go home with help, or at least to say goodbye to his home and his rabbit, so I waited.  Someone came in every few days to take care of him.  But as time went on, I told Mark it has been too long.  I need to get him.  Again the logistics.  Eventually I got him, but he had been home alone for 11 months.  He is a very nice bunny, but does have some abandonment issues.  Sure enough Britty had one little fight with him, then probably would have been ok.  Chrissy tried to kill him every time she got near him.  He lived in my only bathroom over a month.  He was not happy about it.

Eventually I got him set up closer to the girls, and kept trying.  Finally Chrissy agreed to let him live, and he joined the girls.  They became one big happy family.  Chrissy still had her occasional squabbles with Britty.  Smokey hated when they fought, but they never fought with him.  He was like their little pet.  He thought he was a little prince, and would frequently sit with his head under Chrissy's chin waiting for her to groom him.  It was very cute.

Bunnies do not like changes, but Chrissy more than most.  For all her bravado, any change could make her either not want to come out of her cage or not go back.  When I got new windows, it was a week before she came out of her cage, and I had to drag her out then.  She surveyed the area, and realized it was ok, and got back to normal.

So the end of July, beginning of August, when Chrissy did not want to come out of her cage I was not too worried.  Figured she probably went after her sister and Britty fought back, she would get over it.  What was odd, was her appetite was down.  Her appetite was never down, so I was concerned she had a tunny ache, and kept offering her food, wanting to make sure she was eating.    When she came out a few days later, I noticed she did not want to put her weight on her right front paw.  I examined it, saw nothing out of the ordinary.  Moved it gently, she did not flinch.  Thought maybe she had sprained her wrist area..  I thought maybe in an effort to avoid the slippy tile I put in their cage to help keep them cool, she had tried to jump across it, caught her toes in the wire floor, and bent it back. If it was broken, a few days had gone by it would have already started to heal, it was kinda late now.

Plus, the rabbit vet I had used last time was about 28 miles SE of me, inland, and it has been so hot.  My car does not have air conditioning.  I was worried about having her in a hot car that long, last time I had tried to go that way, not even quite as far I had hit bad traffic and it had taken over an hr.

Another reason is last time I took a bunny there they insisted on anesthetizing him before x-rays.  That is always a risk esp. as animals get older. 

Sadly another reason is money.  My paychecks are not that big.  If I put her through the hot car ride, and the x-rays, and handed over my small paycheck I thought there was a very big chance they would eithr say it has already started to heal, unless you want us to try and re-break it and set it, it is too late.  Or, it looks like a sprain, we can't do much for that.  So I felt guilty, but I did not take her in.

After a while she started getting around pretty good, but she would still hold her paw up when she was not walking or running not wanting to put her weight on it.  But she was pretty active, and eatting pretty well, so I was just thinking that sometimes sprains take a long time to heal.  Then she started acting like it was hurting more, she was eating a little less, and when ever she could she seemed to try and lean to the left, to take any weight off that side.  

Sept. 22 I picked Chrissy up and looked at her paw, and wrist.  It seemed the same.  Then I touched her right shoulder and she let me know that hurt bad!  I wondered if it was a separate injury or if she had dislocated it or what.  Then I remembered Andy's vet.  18 miles south.  Shorter ride, way cooler, so I made an appt. and took her in, and explained stuff.  He was willing to x-ray her without putting her out.  So I agreed and waited.  He was gone a while.  I was wondering if it was dislocated and they were putting it back in place.  That would hurt like hell, but then it would be over and ok, so I was kinda hoping for that.

He came back and said they x-rayed both shoulders to show me the comparison.  Here is her normal left shoulder joint.  Now, look at her right one.  Where I could see the ends of the bones and the space between in the left, in the right it was just all gray fuzz.  I asked him what happened to that joint?  He said it was cancer.  It had destroyed the joint. He said it was very aggressive, there was no treatment, it could be quite painful and he recommended that she be euthanized.  I was in shock.  He said he was sorry, he hated to deliver that bad news.  Then said, well, I am 98% sure it is cancer.  I could do a needle biopsy to see if she had some kind of infection that we could treat.  It would not bring back the joint.  But I said do it, I needed to be sure.  It was definitely cancer.  He had an idea of what kind of cancer, but to know what kind for sure he would have to send the sample out.  I said, no, I guess I don't need to know that. I asked if it would have made a difference if I had brought her in a few weeks earlier, and he said no.  I said I was completely not prepared to put her down today.  How long do you think she has.  Maybe a month, a week if she stops eating.  So he sent me home with pain meds to give her every 12 hrs. and I hoped for close to a month of her being fairly comfortable, then going in her sleep.

I gave her her space that night.  The trip to the vets had been traumatic for her too, and I knew she was stressed.  But when I came home from work the next day, and she still did not want to eat, could barely move and was not grooming I called.  You said it would be fast, but not 24 hr. fast.  Could she be having a bad reaction to the pain meds?  Maybe, it is unlikely, but you could try not giving them, and see, or bring her back or take her someplace else, but they will probably recommend she be put down.  How did she get so bad so fast?  I gave her just a little less pain meds than he said two for a couple days, and she started eating again.  Her back legs were not working so good.  Did not know if the cancer was there too, or what, but on the days she ate good, her legs worked better.  She needed help with grooming.  She had done it all very well before the vet visit.  Now very little, esp. the back part.  I guess it must have hurt her shoulder to try and turn around for that.  After a few days, she managed some grooming, but I did a lot of it, and not nearly as well as her.  Urine was irritating her skin.  I did bunny butt baths, but she quickly became tangled, and took so long to dry, I did not do them every day.  I tried putting bag balm on her irritated skin, read the zinc in Desitin type products was bad for them, but finally resorted to that, it stayed on better, and did help her skin.

He said cancer takes a lot of energy.  She needs all the energy she can get.  Lots of high calorie pellets, what ever she wants.  All those years of limiting them, now I was offering them every time I walked by.  I did not want the other bunnies to take her food, but did not to totally ban them from being around her.  

Britty seemed afraid of her.  She looked different, smelled different, and moved different.  One time they were out, and Chrissy scooted under something where I could not see her, and before I could get to her there was this God awful scream.  I assumed Britty thought she was about to be attacked and bit or at least bumped Chrissys shoulder.  After that I mostly kept Chrissy in a smaller area.  Britty could have gotten in, but mostly did not. I think she thought Chrissy must be in one of her moods, and I better stay away away. Smokey still visited Chrissy often.  They both knew something was up and they did not understand. He could not understand.what was going on and why she did not have the energy to groom him.  He even groomed her a little, which is rare for him.  Unfortunately he often bumped or tried to groom her sore shoulder, but she was pretty patient with him.  I think it helped them both to have the company.

I was good about giving her the meds between 11.5 hrs. and 12.5 hrs. and except for the first couple days after the vets, and the times I would accidentally bump her shoulder, she did not seem to be in pain.  She took the meds well.  I did have a hard time getting water in her, but she would at least let me syringe some in with the syringe I used for the pain meds and it was  something.  I asked her frequently if she wanted to go.  Told her when it was too much and she was ready she could just go to sleep and not wake up.   I understood, and it would be ok. But she was a pretty strong healthy bunny except for the stupid cancer..   On Wed. last week, she seemed really weak, barely ate anything.  I thought maybe it was time and planned to take her in on Thursday, if she made it through the night.  I woke up with the feeling of being kicked in the gut I have had most mornings since I found out on Sept. 22.  She was standing up looking alert, and munching on hay.  I thought she is not ready.  She had good and bad days since then. The night of Oct. 13, I screwed up with her meds.  I was going to give them in 1/2 hr. and I got distracted doing something else.  Two hrs. past her time, I realized she was in pain and I had forgotten.  Felt really bad, but gave it to her, hoping it would kick in fast, and be ok.  Her appetite had been down a little the past few days, and she had seemed weaker. Did not know if it was from cancer spreading, or lack of food/fuel.

I have always vowed I will not put a sick animal down because caring for them was inconvenient for me.  I have to be sure it is the best thing for them at that time.  But I was also thinking about the all day outing with out of town friends I had planned for Oct. 15.  We already had tickets.  I knew we would be gone at least 12 hrs.  If I left her in one spot, the other bunnies, esp. Smokey would probably eat her food.  The other spot I sometimes put her to, had gotten ants the day before.  The heat may have brought them in, but did not want them attracted to her food, or damp towel, or greens, or getting on her.  How late would her pain meds be?  If I was going to have to put her down in the next week, did I want to put her through being home alone with not enough to eat, and late pain meds while I was gone?  No one I could ask to check on her.  So I take her in now????  How do you know when??  She seemed like she was in some pain the morning of the 15th, even though her meds had been on time.  She did not want to eat many pellets.  Still wanted greens, which I was happy to see, but needed the pellet energy.

Bunnies in pain will grind their teeth.  They will also do in when they are content, so it has to be taken in context.  She did it Sept. 22/23.  Then I did not hear it again until Oct. 13/14.  Was I being selfish not taking her in?  Was it time?

Now let me add I am a very strong middle aged women.  But I have never had the strength to have any of my many previous animals put down.  I came close, telling myself if I was sure they were in pain I would, or if they still seemed this bad Monday I would, or if they were still alive on my next day off I would.  Somehow either they would seem better, or go on their own first, and I never had to do it.  As hard as it is having them go on their own taking them in seems so much worse.  I know you are not supposed to think that you killed you pet, but that you released them from their suffering, but still..... But the vet telling me this is a very aggressive cancer, there is no hope, it can be very painful, ect. all weighed on my mind at not continuing to wait until she went on her own, esp. after hearing tooth grinding two days in a row now.  I called the vet and made arrangements to bring her in at 4:00.  I gave her a partial bath and spent a long time grooming her outside.   She had always been so tidy, I did not want anyone to see her untidy, even though I was not anywhere close to doing as good a job as her.  She tried to groom a little too, but I know it hurt her shoulder when she used her right paw to groom.  I put her down in the garden and she hopped around a little munching on grass and greens.  I was hoping Britty had time to say goodbye but I had not seen them together and was afraid to force it.  Smokey spent some time with her that morning.

Then I drove her the 18 miles to the vets.  They got me in a room pretty fast.  I sat on a couch holding her all wrapped up in a towel, talking to her, petting her.  Telling her how much I loved her, and how sorry I was, and how I hoped I was doing the right thing, and how much me and her sister, and Smokey will miss her.

The vet came in and gave her a normal sized shot kinda between her neck and back.  Neither of us saw it coming. She jumped a bit at that.  I should have rubbed it for her, but was so busy petting her head, and blowing my nose, I didn't think to  He said it would relax her, and put her in a deep sleep, and he would be back in about 5 minutes with the final shot.  He came back and shaved a little spot on her ear, and put another shot there, said she might take one last deep breath.  She did not.  He started to say, sometimes they don't if... then did not finish it.  I am hoping he was going to say if they are very relaxed, and not if they were in a lot of pain, or some other bad reason like that, but I do wonder why he didn't finish his sentence if it was not for a bad thing. I never touched her shoulder after I found out how much it hurt.  He touched it and said the tumor had grown a lot in just 3 weeks.  I did not even know I could have felt anything under her fur, I thought it was all on the inside, but after she was asleep I could feel it.  He said I was doing the right thing, it was a bad cancer, I have to think was she going to have more good days than bad in her future. or not. Anyway she never woke up.  It was very peaceful.  They came and got her, and she will go to be cremated, and her ashes will be returned to me.  They said they will send me the bill, so I could just leave after.  I walked out crying and drove away.  They were very nice and made it as easy as possible.  But still, so many people seem to do it at the first sign of something being wrong.  Like it is too easy.  It should not be too easy, it has to hurt us.  What kind of fur parents would we be if it did not hurt us?

Here is the part that is still bothering me, other than missing her and the trauma of it all.  Is it what she wanted?  Twice in my life I have needed major surgery.  I could not do much and was in a lot of pain for 6 mo. or so before.  But if "someone"  had thought they were doing me a favor by putting me out of my misery then I would have been pissed!  No!  This sucks, but I am not ready to go!  That is what I wonder.  Is she thinking, thanks, Mom, I felt horrible and now I don't.  Or is she more like, "But I was not done yet".  That is the most haunting part for me now.  I know lots of old people that wish they could just die, but others that seem just as bad off, and they are not ready to go.  It is the making the decision for them  and not being sure that is what they wanted that is so hard.

I came home and cleaned up her area.  Washed all her dirty towels except the one I had her wrapped up at the end.  I put that on the floor for the other bunnies to smell to try and get clues to what happened.  I have not seen Britty near it, but Smokey goes over and smells it.   They both seem kinda depressed.  I need to give them extra attention now.  I figure Chrissy was about 9 3/4.  Not old enough.  But sadly her sister is the same age, and Smokey is probably pretty close.  I could be going though this again 2 more times in the next few years.  Not looking forward to it.  So life goes on.  No sick bunny to care for now, no meds, no mess, just another piece of my heart ripped out., and two bunny kids to take care of now.  RIP Chrissy.

Cleaning off my desk. Part 1

Cleaning off my desk.  Part 1

This has been on my to-do list forever.  I start a little sometime, but my goal is to finish today.  I save a lot of stuff I might want someday.  Even with so much on line now, I don't want to hunt for a certain website, so have lots of addresses on little pieces of paper.  So my hope is between this blog, and Pinterest, I can remove most of the stuff.

Here goes.

https://www.planetearthsingles.com/orion/joinpes/join.php    Don't know if I will ever use this...Had it for years, but kept it "just in case".  So I will keep it here.

http://www.ralphs.com/community/Pages/community_contribution.aspx    Apparently I have sign up each year for Ralphs to give a percentage of what I spend to a charity of my choice.  There are other stores too, but the one I signed up for with Ralphs gives me a reminder, that sits on my desk for a year or so.  Maybe this will help.

Ok, only half done, but it feels really good.  If I am going to make my annual Christmas Eve visit to church, better go get ready.


https://www.paypal-donations.com/about.html  Just spent an hr. looking for this stupid site.  Did I save it here last year and forget?  Lets try this again.

https://www.missionfish.org/donation/MFSController?ACTION=BrowseAction&SUB_ACTION=GetSearchResult
Or maybe its this one.  Frustration!

 Pay Pal Donations   This one?



Just to be sure I have it....First Charity Navigator which goes through Network for good when you make a donation.  Then for the ones less than $10.00, I go through www.pay pal-donations.com which goes through Mission Fish.  Paypal can be anonymous, and they are currently not charging a processing fee.  But its kinda a pain in the butt you have to do each one separate.  Network for good is kinda easier, but it has to be an even amount of at least $10. and there is a processing fee.  I think its about 5% a bit less than a stamp.  And it keeps a nice record of them.  

I was hoping to try a few through their websites, with my new alias e-mail...but some did not use pay pal, so would need my real info,and even if they did, pay pal needs my real info.  So unfortunately that really did not work for me.  Still have a couple checks to write and mail tomorrow.
But mostly the donations are over.  I dread them so.  I am not doing them with the joy of giving.  It so pisses me off that they seem to spend most of what I give killing trees and mailing me more stuff to ask me for more.   I know I should just pick a few, and screw all the rest, but I just have not been able to bring myself to do that.  I hoped doing stuff anonymously on line would help me fall off mailing lists, but that has not happened.  I wanted to think if me and everyone else gave just a few dollars a year, we could save the world.  Its not working out that way.  I can't save the world, and am so tired of being asked to.  I want to give with a joyous heart, but its become such a big ordeal it is far from it.  Almost done except recycling all the dead trees, and sneaking little pieces into Dr's office waiting rooms etc.  Hoping someone will see and want to help save the world also.

I really got away from the clean the desk part of this post.  And am still not done.  So to be continued....