Still having a really hard time getting through each duck free day.
I keep thinking of those poor guys just living their lives in the place that had been their home where they had spent all of their days. Then some huge creature they have never seen before comes in and kills them. They have to watch helplessly as it kills each of their buddies, and there was nothing they could do to save themselves. How terrifying that must have been.
Also the fact that most of them were near the pen is bothersome. Did they just happen to be laying near it at the time, or were there trying to get in cause they thought they would have been safe there (and would they have been)?? That's hard. After so many years of not having any pen, then trying to convince them to go in it at night. Did they finally grasp that they were safer in it, and try in vain to go to that safe place? Would they have rather had another 2,3,8 years locked up in it all the time, or not?
If I ever get another duck, right now I am thinking it would have to be one already used to being penned up, so it would not be any less happy here. But that would take so much of the fun out of having them. I loved to watch them swim in their pool, and investigate the yard. Plus they are a lot more work in a pen. I would have done it, it I had known I needed to for them to be safe for now. But for always....after having known freedom is another thing.
Its still so empty. I would be quiet when I got up early, so they would not hear me and make so much noise the neighbors might be bothered. Then after breakfast I would open the curtains, and they would start talking to me. I would count them, then feed them, (and the squirrels and doves).
Giving them water or changing their wading pools was just part of my life. Even looking at plants is no fun now. Yeah, I could plant that. I would not even have to fence it off so the ducks don't eat it or trample it. But whats the point? I don't have the interest.
I did laugh a few times the past 1/2 week. Thought I had forgotten how. Then its almost like, I would feel guilty for it. Must be how the parents of dead children feel. Like having any joy again, would be like not loving or caring enough for the dead child. I know its silly. Me having no joy does not help anything. But its gone for the time being.
Oddly when I went to visit my friend Mark in the nursing home, he took it in a way I totally did not expect. He did say he was sad, and sorry, which was appropriate. Then he focused on me being dog police. Other people have said that too. It really annoys me. I can barely get out of bed and get through the day and they want me to add another thing I don't want to do to my list of stuff to do? It won't help my ducks, it won't make me feel better. I might have to force myself to do some of it if I still had some ducks to try and protect, but I don't. Any way that was annoying, but not the thing that surprised me so much. He said it reminded him of just how help less he is. His disease (ALS) has made him totally helpless. But it did not dawn on me, this would bring that up for him.
Work was not taking my mind off stuff so much today.
I had a dream the other night, I went out and found some (but not all) ducks dead, and holes in the fence. I looked over and there was a different family living there, and they had build pens for the dogs, and were getting ready to tear down the fence and put up a new one. Two weeks ago that would have been a nightmare. This time it was a positive dream. I woke up thinking "they are not all dead, I can still save some, and we are getting a better fence". Sadly it was only a dream.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Monday
Yeah, this may be getting old to the world, but I still need to talk about this, and its my blog.
But...I must say I am thrilled that blogger is now full screen. Yeah, I knew it could be done, but I had not figured out how. Now I don't have to. It looks much better. Thank you.
Yesterday was another beautiful day out. It seemed like some cruel joke, or a slap in the face. Weeks of looking like a gray dungeon I tried to avoid, then run outside for a few minutes if a patch of blue sky appeared. Now a whole beautiful weekend and I can't not be out back for long. I have been out a little each of the past 3 days, but its not a place I want to be. Its kinda like loosing someone at Christmas time. The whole world seems to be celebrating, while your heart breaks.
My heart is still breaking. Telling everyone I see is awkward. All they said was hi, I can't easily start spilling all this out. Yet how can they go on like always and not notice or care my family has been wiped out?
Yesterday I did a few chores, then a couple errands. (would have been home gardening, but no....) Then decided to take a walk at the gardens formerly known as Quail Gardens. A pretty outside place with no duck memories. It was good.
Then I stopped at some french bakery I had never been to before. I ordered a Nuttela crepe. I love crepes. While I was waiting a women came in that kinda seemed familiar. I finally figured out who I thought she was, and sure enough it was Nancy P. We had been in this art group together for about 4 weeks, about 3 1/2 years ago. Had not seen her since, but I had liked her a lot, and loved the art group. We talked some. I told her about the ducks. She is a counselor. I asked her for tips on getting the image out of my head. She said take a new picture. Since she is so sweet and I like her so much, I tried not to think "you idiot, like its just that easy". But I thought about and have been trying.
On my garden walk I saw a beautiful butterfly. It was a mourning cloak.
Several years ago I raised a bunch of them and released them. It was so much fun! I wondered if it might have been a relative of mine. Anyway, when ever I see the picture of my dead ducks, I think of that butterfly. Think about their little souls flying free to heaven or where ever. It does help a little. But I still miss their little smiling faces, and waddling butts. The hole is still huge.
For dinner I had duck egg quiche I had made before the killings. Its not the same now. I am used to them talking to me when I get home. No talking. After the predator stuff happened I worried a lot about them at night. But once I counted them all there in the morning, my worry was over for the day. I never worried about loosing them all in broad day light. I did worry about the dogs behind jumping on the old fence and some day it giving way. But hoped the people there would see, and fix it quickly enough. Even if they had gotten in the yard, and God forbid hurt a duck or two, never would have thought they would all be gone. I would have penned them until the fence was fixed. Not knowing having a full fence would not be enough.
I have never been one that lives to work. I work to live, and have always had 101 better things I could be doing. But after this weekend, in some ways it was almost a relief to go back to work. That is frightening. Also oddly when I am sleeping in later than usual, doing a lot less chores, etc, the weekend seemed longer.
Today was nice also, could have done stuff outside for an hr. or so after I cleaned the turtle tank. (I actually hate doing that, but like my turtle). But I did not. I usually never have enough time. Now I have some, I guess cause there is not much I want to do with it. I don't understand time as it is, and now this is even more confusing.
Watching movies/t.v. at night. I did manage to read a little a couple nights, but not a lot. Good think I don't have followers. They would be bored to tears now.
Of all the reasons this duck thing is so hard for me, I think the none left and too afraid to get any more for who knows how long- one is the hardest. OK, it may tie with the pictures in my head, but that hopefully will some day fade, and there will still be none there. No pull your family together and go on. I had already decided when the cat goes, I may wait 6 mo. or a year to get another one. I will, but not for a while. But having no ducks at all was never in my mind. I don't like it there either.
Off work to go to the fair tomorrow. Hopefully it will be a good distraction. So no posting, I will be too tired.
But...I must say I am thrilled that blogger is now full screen. Yeah, I knew it could be done, but I had not figured out how. Now I don't have to. It looks much better. Thank you.
Yesterday was another beautiful day out. It seemed like some cruel joke, or a slap in the face. Weeks of looking like a gray dungeon I tried to avoid, then run outside for a few minutes if a patch of blue sky appeared. Now a whole beautiful weekend and I can't not be out back for long. I have been out a little each of the past 3 days, but its not a place I want to be. Its kinda like loosing someone at Christmas time. The whole world seems to be celebrating, while your heart breaks.
My heart is still breaking. Telling everyone I see is awkward. All they said was hi, I can't easily start spilling all this out. Yet how can they go on like always and not notice or care my family has been wiped out?
Yesterday I did a few chores, then a couple errands. (would have been home gardening, but no....) Then decided to take a walk at the gardens formerly known as Quail Gardens. A pretty outside place with no duck memories. It was good.
Then I stopped at some french bakery I had never been to before. I ordered a Nuttela crepe. I love crepes. While I was waiting a women came in that kinda seemed familiar. I finally figured out who I thought she was, and sure enough it was Nancy P. We had been in this art group together for about 4 weeks, about 3 1/2 years ago. Had not seen her since, but I had liked her a lot, and loved the art group. We talked some. I told her about the ducks. She is a counselor. I asked her for tips on getting the image out of my head. She said take a new picture. Since she is so sweet and I like her so much, I tried not to think "you idiot, like its just that easy". But I thought about and have been trying.
On my garden walk I saw a beautiful butterfly. It was a mourning cloak.
Several years ago I raised a bunch of them and released them. It was so much fun! I wondered if it might have been a relative of mine. Anyway, when ever I see the picture of my dead ducks, I think of that butterfly. Think about their little souls flying free to heaven or where ever. It does help a little. But I still miss their little smiling faces, and waddling butts. The hole is still huge.
For dinner I had duck egg quiche I had made before the killings. Its not the same now. I am used to them talking to me when I get home. No talking. After the predator stuff happened I worried a lot about them at night. But once I counted them all there in the morning, my worry was over for the day. I never worried about loosing them all in broad day light. I did worry about the dogs behind jumping on the old fence and some day it giving way. But hoped the people there would see, and fix it quickly enough. Even if they had gotten in the yard, and God forbid hurt a duck or two, never would have thought they would all be gone. I would have penned them until the fence was fixed. Not knowing having a full fence would not be enough.
I have never been one that lives to work. I work to live, and have always had 101 better things I could be doing. But after this weekend, in some ways it was almost a relief to go back to work. That is frightening. Also oddly when I am sleeping in later than usual, doing a lot less chores, etc, the weekend seemed longer.
Today was nice also, could have done stuff outside for an hr. or so after I cleaned the turtle tank. (I actually hate doing that, but like my turtle). But I did not. I usually never have enough time. Now I have some, I guess cause there is not much I want to do with it. I don't understand time as it is, and now this is even more confusing.
Watching movies/t.v. at night. I did manage to read a little a couple nights, but not a lot. Good think I don't have followers. They would be bored to tears now.
Of all the reasons this duck thing is so hard for me, I think the none left and too afraid to get any more for who knows how long- one is the hardest. OK, it may tie with the pictures in my head, but that hopefully will some day fade, and there will still be none there. No pull your family together and go on. I had already decided when the cat goes, I may wait 6 mo. or a year to get another one. I will, but not for a while. But having no ducks at all was never in my mind. I don't like it there either.
Off work to go to the fair tomorrow. Hopefully it will be a good distraction. So no posting, I will be too tired.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
First Steps-Saturday
No, its not about some little baby, or some recovering person. Its my first steps outside again.
Today I opened two of the back curtains wide, and one a little bit. They have been closed since Wednesday night.
In this area in June, we seldom see the sun. Its overcast and gray about 80% of the month. It depresses me a lot. I don't want to see it or be in it. Today the sun was shining, the sky was crystal blue, the temp. was perfect. It would have been a beautiful day to be outside gardening. Maybe get ready to plant some veggies. Do some weeding. But I couldn't. The ducks watch me weed, and I give them some to eat. Now what? I first went out front. The sun was so bright it hurt my eyes. I went out yesterday to work also, but it was gray.
Then I went out back. First since Wednesday evening. I threw the dog poop over the fence, hoping to hit someone with it. I moved some things around to try and block my view of where most of the duck bodies were found. Unfortunately that's in my direct line of sight out the window from the table where I eat. So I blocked some of it, and only opened that curtain a little. I went out to clean the bunny box. Put some food and water out for birds. I take my turtle out to get some sun on weekends. Just before I brought her in for the night, I changed the water in the tub I put her in and put her tub in the pen, to keep her safer next time. Unfortunately I have to go right through the carnage spot. I just try hard not to look. As the feathers go away, it will get easier. But it will still be empty. 11 little faces, and curious little souls gone, for no good reason.
Oh, as I was picking up today I found a card I had bought to have on hand for someone. It had ducks and bunnies on it, and mentioned "happy ducks". I have frequently given and received stuff like that, with my ducks and bunnies -peace and harmony lifestyle. That's changed now.
The ducks think they should eat dinner about 5 pm, It does not matter if I fed them early on a work day, or slept in very late. When it gets around 5:00 they start expecting food. With the curtains open, and the sun shinning it was hard to be in the area then. I can almost hear them. This is the kind of early summer day I just want to "play/work" out side until dark. Its hard for me to just sit there. But I was making enough progress getting stuff caught up on, I had plans to just sit and read and watch the ducks when it got hot out. Not now. They were such a big part of my life. It was so senseless and unnecessary.
I lost my turtle Fred, last year. She was missing 9 months. I had about given up hope of ever seeing her alive again by that time. But I did, one day there she was walking across the yard. Where the heck she had been all that time I can't even guess. A little part of my mind, esp when I first wake up is that either this was just a bad dream, of course the ducks are still out back OK. Or, that they are "missing" and will be back OK. Than hard, ugly reality hits me in the face, and I get up feeling dread again.
Today I opened two of the back curtains wide, and one a little bit. They have been closed since Wednesday night.
In this area in June, we seldom see the sun. Its overcast and gray about 80% of the month. It depresses me a lot. I don't want to see it or be in it. Today the sun was shining, the sky was crystal blue, the temp. was perfect. It would have been a beautiful day to be outside gardening. Maybe get ready to plant some veggies. Do some weeding. But I couldn't. The ducks watch me weed, and I give them some to eat. Now what? I first went out front. The sun was so bright it hurt my eyes. I went out yesterday to work also, but it was gray.
Then I went out back. First since Wednesday evening. I threw the dog poop over the fence, hoping to hit someone with it. I moved some things around to try and block my view of where most of the duck bodies were found. Unfortunately that's in my direct line of sight out the window from the table where I eat. So I blocked some of it, and only opened that curtain a little. I went out to clean the bunny box. Put some food and water out for birds. I take my turtle out to get some sun on weekends. Just before I brought her in for the night, I changed the water in the tub I put her in and put her tub in the pen, to keep her safer next time. Unfortunately I have to go right through the carnage spot. I just try hard not to look. As the feathers go away, it will get easier. But it will still be empty. 11 little faces, and curious little souls gone, for no good reason.
Oh, as I was picking up today I found a card I had bought to have on hand for someone. It had ducks and bunnies on it, and mentioned "happy ducks". I have frequently given and received stuff like that, with my ducks and bunnies -peace and harmony lifestyle. That's changed now.
The ducks think they should eat dinner about 5 pm, It does not matter if I fed them early on a work day, or slept in very late. When it gets around 5:00 they start expecting food. With the curtains open, and the sun shinning it was hard to be in the area then. I can almost hear them. This is the kind of early summer day I just want to "play/work" out side until dark. Its hard for me to just sit there. But I was making enough progress getting stuff caught up on, I had plans to just sit and read and watch the ducks when it got hot out. Not now. They were such a big part of my life. It was so senseless and unnecessary.
I lost my turtle Fred, last year. She was missing 9 months. I had about given up hope of ever seeing her alive again by that time. But I did, one day there she was walking across the yard. Where the heck she had been all that time I can't even guess. A little part of my mind, esp when I first wake up is that either this was just a bad dream, of course the ducks are still out back OK. Or, that they are "missing" and will be back OK. Than hard, ugly reality hits me in the face, and I get up feeling dread again.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Weekend
Its Friday night. This will be the first weekend in a long time I have not looked forward to. I don't want to be here. I normally love being home. Its not the same now. The 16 1/2 yr. old cat is not doing well inside. I don't want to go out back. I have been dreading it. Have not looked out back since Wednesday. I am afraid to. I keep thinking I hear a duck. I expect to see at least one when I look out back. If its nice I usually do some gardening. I don't want to. I have not bought eggs in at least 15 years. I have a lot in the fridge, and they keep a long time, but eventually I will run out. Now every time I use an egg it will be another reminder of the killing. Its always sad when I loose one. It was horrible and traumatic when I lost any to predators. But you turn your attention to those left. Life goes on, etc. This is different. There are none left.
I thought the cat would be the next to go. Not that I want her to, but she has had problems for a while now. I think oh, this is it. Then she does better for a while again. I dread having her go, and having to deal with it. But....there are lots of "accidents". The house smells. I have plastic runners on the floor to help with clean up. I don't want anyone in the house. At least after she goes and I get everything cleaned up again, there will be something positive to go along with the loss. Nothing positive now.
Then to add to it all as I was walking to my door this evening a neighbor asked me if I would try and hand raise some tiny birds that have a nest at his house. He thinks the mom may have been killed, has not seen a bird near the next. They are tiny and sound hungry. I am not good at hand feeding tiny birds. I am back to work all day on Monday, and they will need fed during the day, and most of all I can't deal with another dead bird now if they don't make it. I told him to call Project Wildlife. I hope he does something to help them, but I can't handle it now.
I had already asked for a day off next week to go to the fair. Even that won't be as much fun. I always visit the animals first. May be crying there right off the bat.
Having a salad or something I would save any parts I didn't want for the ducks. A dozen times a day something comes up to remind me..
I wonder what they were doing. I had cleaned their pool the day before. They were mostly near the pool and the pen. Were they swimming and the splashing and "having fun" attracted the dog? Were they trying to get into the pen for safety? I never left it open when I was not home, did not want them to ever get cornered in it. With most predators that kill for food, some have the chance to get away. But not when they kill for fun. They stand no chance then.
I will have to open the curtains eventually. Little birds collect the duck feathers for their nests. I enjoyed watching it. I won't enjoy it so much now, but I hope they took a lot since I was last out there. When I threw out the duck food each day, little birds, and doves and lately squirrels had been coming to eat also. It was fun to watch them. They may be getting hungry. It will be less fun to watch now, even if I do still throw some out. At least I can sleep in. Can I sleep half the weekend?
I thought the cat would be the next to go. Not that I want her to, but she has had problems for a while now. I think oh, this is it. Then she does better for a while again. I dread having her go, and having to deal with it. But....there are lots of "accidents". The house smells. I have plastic runners on the floor to help with clean up. I don't want anyone in the house. At least after she goes and I get everything cleaned up again, there will be something positive to go along with the loss. Nothing positive now.
Then to add to it all as I was walking to my door this evening a neighbor asked me if I would try and hand raise some tiny birds that have a nest at his house. He thinks the mom may have been killed, has not seen a bird near the next. They are tiny and sound hungry. I am not good at hand feeding tiny birds. I am back to work all day on Monday, and they will need fed during the day, and most of all I can't deal with another dead bird now if they don't make it. I told him to call Project Wildlife. I hope he does something to help them, but I can't handle it now.
I had already asked for a day off next week to go to the fair. Even that won't be as much fun. I always visit the animals first. May be crying there right off the bat.
Having a salad or something I would save any parts I didn't want for the ducks. A dozen times a day something comes up to remind me..
I wonder what they were doing. I had cleaned their pool the day before. They were mostly near the pool and the pen. Were they swimming and the splashing and "having fun" attracted the dog? Were they trying to get into the pen for safety? I never left it open when I was not home, did not want them to ever get cornered in it. With most predators that kill for food, some have the chance to get away. But not when they kill for fun. They stand no chance then.
I will have to open the curtains eventually. Little birds collect the duck feathers for their nests. I enjoyed watching it. I won't enjoy it so much now, but I hope they took a lot since I was last out there. When I threw out the duck food each day, little birds, and doves and lately squirrels had been coming to eat also. It was fun to watch them. They may be getting hungry. It will be less fun to watch now, even if I do still throw some out. At least I can sleep in. Can I sleep half the weekend?
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Massacre
Wednesday, June 16 was one of the worst days of my life.
I have been sick with a cold. Dragged my sick butt to work Mon. and Tues. wondering why, but hey it was only a cold. Wed. I was feeling a little better. I get off work at 4:30, and about every other day I run errands. Should I go buy more duck food tonight, or wait until tomorrow? I'm still sick, just go home and do it tomorrow
Get home about 4:50, bring in the mail, put it on my table and am ready to go change into my grubbies for a few chores, when I glance out the back window and see something is wrong. Something does not look right with my ducks. They were fine when I left for work at 7:45 am. What could go wrong in broad day light in my fenced yard?
But I go right out. I see dead ducks all around, except for 1 injured one. I pick him up take him inside and wrap him in a towel and go back out. I am still trying to get an accurate count. I am in shock and not thinking clear. There should be 2 dark mallard looking males, and 9 white ducks. They are Mallard mix, but only two mallard looking ones were left.
Domestic ducks do not fly more than a few feet off the ground. Their bodies are too heavy for their wings. Even though they are a cross, they seldom can fly very high or long. They laid tons of eggs, but they were also pets. Maybe not the kind that sit on your lap, but I loved them very much. I so much enjoyed watching them walk around and swim in their little wading pool, explore, just live their lives. Its hard not to smile when you watch a duck walk. They were all hatched here from eggs their parents and grandparents produced. The five youngest I hand raised. Their mom had some issues. So they were in my bedroom from day one to about 5 weeks.
Now here they are. Almost my whole family dead. I take the injured one in my room while I change into something I don't care about getting blood on. It didn't take long, but by the time I was done, he had died. His wounds didn't seem necessarily fatal, but who knows how much blood he lost before I got home, plus the shock. It would have helped to have at least one survivor.
Back out to still try and get an accurate count. I want to make sure there is not an injured one hiding in the bushes I could possibly save. Still hoping for some survivor. One of the younger ones I had had raised (maybe 6 1/2 yrs ago), has been mostly eaten. Some of the others are bloody, but mostly intact. Some don't seem hurt badly. Were their necks broken, or just the slow blood loss, or the shock. I don't know. So I gather them all up, except for the half eaten one and the one still inside. Yes, they are all there, and all dead.
I look around for some clues to what happened. The fact that it was broad day light and only one was eaten, make me think a dog somehow got in my fenced yard. Find a large pile of dog poop. Yes, it could be coyote, but don't think a coyote would leave so much. So pretty sure it was dog.
Now what?? Normally when I loose an animal I bury it. It takes me all day to dig a deep enough hole in my clay soil. Dig, soak, dig. But I do it. Once, a few years ago a raccoon came in and killed two one night. And there have been a few killed over the what, about 18 years I have had ducks. Its sad and traumatic, but eventually I/we go on. My family was smaller, but I still had one. This is different. They are all gone, and I would be afraid to get more.
Still, what now? Do I start digging? I am still in shock and can't think. Let alone face the enormity of single handedly digging a pond size hole. Of course I would have to call in sick, but would that even give me enough time. (not to mention strength and energy for all of this). Plus I don't want to leave them all outside attracting bugs, and possibly more predators. No room in the freezer for 11 ducks. They already have ants. What do I do? Can I call someone? Who?
Maybe a mass cremation. Spiritually it seems worse to not have their body spend eternity where they and all their family has always been. But I have some serious time and logistic problems now. By now its 6:10 and many places that might help are closed. I call my vet office they are open, but the company that they use for cremation is not, she does not know what they would charge. Says I could bring them in and they would store them till they can find out. They close in 45 min, so I must decide soon. What if I find it way out of my price range. It will be bad enough picking them all up fast to go there, I sure don't want to go back and retrieve them. Plus I want them handled with respect. She was guessing it might be around $65. If that was for all, fine, but $65 x 11? Not fine.
Call the Humane Society. She tells me the company they use. But of course the dept. that handled that is closed, so she does not have any details. Go on line and check out the two companies suggested so far. Of course no prices are given anywhere. Apparently this is referred to as "after care". One of them lists a phone number for emergency/after hours pick up. Ron R. I call and his wife answers. They are in the car, and he is driving. Its a really bad connection. She says they will pull over so he can talk to me. They are currently about 35 miles away on the way to a meeting. He offers to come get them and I can either do a mass cremation, no ashes returned thing for $200. or a mass burial for $100. I believe this is way lower than his usual rates, he was offering me a special group rate under the circumstances. Its not a burial place I can visit. He said its a place that is slated to become a Wildlife Refuge. No idea if that is true. But I desperately want to believe it. Of all the sucky options, that seems like the best one.
By the time he gets there I have tried to tell each of them goodbye, and how terribly sorry I was that this happened to them, and that I didn't protect them well enough. I was cutting flowers to go with them when he came. He was very nice, very professional. I think it may have been the best option under the terrible circumstances. I feel bad they are not just dead, but dead and gone, with out spending eternity here with the others, and no little ceremony like the others got. But it was a relief to not have to spend all day today digging a GIANT hole to bury them. My 16 1/2 old cat is not doing well either. I will have to deal with loosing her soon also. But at least its natural causes, and won't be a big surprise, I have had lots of time to kinda prepare my mind for it.
I hope they understand how bad I feel and how sorry I am. Oddly I am not a religious person at all even though it may sound like that when I speak of this. I just have to think of an animal after life weather I need to believe in one for humans or not. Does not make sense. But they did not deserve this. They did nothing wrong. It was totally senseless.
They have always been free range. After the raccoon incident I started to build a pen. All the predator incidents have been at night, and almost all in Nov. and Dec. So my thought was as much as I don't want to build a pen. Don't know how to build one, have no good place, and don't want to pen them up, if I just do it at night for a couple of the most dangerous months I will....if I can convince them to go in the pen at night.
I started the next day. It took me 2 1/2 months of weekends to finish it. By then the most dangerous months were over. So the plan was Nov. 1 to the middle of Jan. I would pen them at night. It took me several nights to convince them all to go in the pen at night. At first I was terrified something would get the ones I had not convinced to go in the first couple nights. Terrified something would somehow get in, then they would have no chance to get away. But eventually they got used to the new routine. They all went in at sunset, and came out at breakfast time. It worked. We safely made it through the worst times, and about the middle of Jan. with some fear, I allowed them to go back to staying out all the time. Just used the pen to give ones not feeling well some safe rest time.
There is nothing cuter than a baby duck, and even the adults are cute with lots of personality. They look (and act) much like the AFFLEC duck. But they are messy, and they were all glad to be out of the pen, back to their lives and the safely of late spring, almost summer. Then this.
Then after they were gone, and I am wandering around lost and crying my eyes out, I see a very large blond dog in my back yard. I grab a rake and go chase him and yell at him. He went over the back 5 ft. fence. He must live there. I know they have a lot of dogs. I seldom look over the back fence, but he does not look like one I remember seeing last I looked. One or two really mean looking ones I do remember I don't see. This one looked like maybe a mix between a German Shepard and a lab. Very big, maybe 2 or 3 years old. I have no idea why these people have dogs. They are fenced into a space about the size of a family room just behind my yard. Yesterday I saw 4 dogs. I never see anyone play with them, or walk them, or take them inside. What the hell is the reason to have a dog like that? This one didn't look mean. Just bored, totally unsocialized, untrained, unexorcised. Nothing good to do. Is he new, or has he been there a while and something just set him off? What happened to the others? I wanted to hurt him. Not seriously, but I wanted to hear him yelp, and feel some fear. I threw some stuff at him, but kept missing. I was so glad the ducks were gone when he came back. I would have totally lost it if I saw him tearing one apart. I did not go talk to the owners. Obviously they are not good animal people. (and this is Calif. not Mexico or Alabama...Califs. as a whole, know better than treating animals like this). There was nothing they could say that would make me feel any better.
After I gave up throwing stuff at the dog, I called my friend Marilyn. She was appropriately shocked, and saddened and really seemed to under stand my trauma.
Then I cried some more, took a shower and sat in front of the t.v. drinking my big glass of wine. Called work and left a message I would be out sick today. Slept as long as I possibly could. Then I woke and the horrible image was back in my head and I could not get it out. Spent most of the day vegetating in front of the t.v. I can't do anything. I can't open the curtains out back. I can't see or hear how empty it is. All my beautiful flowers out there, and I don't want to see the back yard at all now. How will I hang out there without seeing dead bodies every where I look? Its 4:00 and I have not gotten dressed. Why bother now? I will sneak out after dark to take out garbage, its trash eve. I will try and go back to work tomorrow. I will try and not burst into tears at work.
I am kinda a hermit. I have very little family, none close by. My animals are everything to me. How do people survive loosing their whole human families? I know it happens. They may get more sympathy, but how do they go on? My friends can't understand how I can hear bad human stories and let it go, but nothing bad about animals. For some reason it has always been way harder to get the animal pictures out of my head than the human pics. I am not a big drinker. I needed it last night, but I can't do that all the time. How to get the picture out of my head is a really big thing now. Maybe Sat. I will try and open the back curtains and go out back. Not today or tomorrow. I would sit at my table and look out back. I don't want to now.
What will I do on the weekend? Much of it is usually cleaning duck pools and gardening? Will this ruin gardening for me forever? It has certainly taken away the feeling of safety and serenity my garden gave me. How do I ever get any of it back?
I have been sick with a cold. Dragged my sick butt to work Mon. and Tues. wondering why, but hey it was only a cold. Wed. I was feeling a little better. I get off work at 4:30, and about every other day I run errands. Should I go buy more duck food tonight, or wait until tomorrow? I'm still sick, just go home and do it tomorrow
Get home about 4:50, bring in the mail, put it on my table and am ready to go change into my grubbies for a few chores, when I glance out the back window and see something is wrong. Something does not look right with my ducks. They were fine when I left for work at 7:45 am. What could go wrong in broad day light in my fenced yard?
But I go right out. I see dead ducks all around, except for 1 injured one. I pick him up take him inside and wrap him in a towel and go back out. I am still trying to get an accurate count. I am in shock and not thinking clear. There should be 2 dark mallard looking males, and 9 white ducks. They are Mallard mix, but only two mallard looking ones were left.
Domestic ducks do not fly more than a few feet off the ground. Their bodies are too heavy for their wings. Even though they are a cross, they seldom can fly very high or long. They laid tons of eggs, but they were also pets. Maybe not the kind that sit on your lap, but I loved them very much. I so much enjoyed watching them walk around and swim in their little wading pool, explore, just live their lives. Its hard not to smile when you watch a duck walk. They were all hatched here from eggs their parents and grandparents produced. The five youngest I hand raised. Their mom had some issues. So they were in my bedroom from day one to about 5 weeks.
Now here they are. Almost my whole family dead. I take the injured one in my room while I change into something I don't care about getting blood on. It didn't take long, but by the time I was done, he had died. His wounds didn't seem necessarily fatal, but who knows how much blood he lost before I got home, plus the shock. It would have helped to have at least one survivor.
Back out to still try and get an accurate count. I want to make sure there is not an injured one hiding in the bushes I could possibly save. Still hoping for some survivor. One of the younger ones I had had raised (maybe 6 1/2 yrs ago), has been mostly eaten. Some of the others are bloody, but mostly intact. Some don't seem hurt badly. Were their necks broken, or just the slow blood loss, or the shock. I don't know. So I gather them all up, except for the half eaten one and the one still inside. Yes, they are all there, and all dead.
I look around for some clues to what happened. The fact that it was broad day light and only one was eaten, make me think a dog somehow got in my fenced yard. Find a large pile of dog poop. Yes, it could be coyote, but don't think a coyote would leave so much. So pretty sure it was dog.
Now what?? Normally when I loose an animal I bury it. It takes me all day to dig a deep enough hole in my clay soil. Dig, soak, dig. But I do it. Once, a few years ago a raccoon came in and killed two one night. And there have been a few killed over the what, about 18 years I have had ducks. Its sad and traumatic, but eventually I/we go on. My family was smaller, but I still had one. This is different. They are all gone, and I would be afraid to get more.
Still, what now? Do I start digging? I am still in shock and can't think. Let alone face the enormity of single handedly digging a pond size hole. Of course I would have to call in sick, but would that even give me enough time. (not to mention strength and energy for all of this). Plus I don't want to leave them all outside attracting bugs, and possibly more predators. No room in the freezer for 11 ducks. They already have ants. What do I do? Can I call someone? Who?
Maybe a mass cremation. Spiritually it seems worse to not have their body spend eternity where they and all their family has always been. But I have some serious time and logistic problems now. By now its 6:10 and many places that might help are closed. I call my vet office they are open, but the company that they use for cremation is not, she does not know what they would charge. Says I could bring them in and they would store them till they can find out. They close in 45 min, so I must decide soon. What if I find it way out of my price range. It will be bad enough picking them all up fast to go there, I sure don't want to go back and retrieve them. Plus I want them handled with respect. She was guessing it might be around $65. If that was for all, fine, but $65 x 11? Not fine.
Call the Humane Society. She tells me the company they use. But of course the dept. that handled that is closed, so she does not have any details. Go on line and check out the two companies suggested so far. Of course no prices are given anywhere. Apparently this is referred to as "after care". One of them lists a phone number for emergency/after hours pick up. Ron R. I call and his wife answers. They are in the car, and he is driving. Its a really bad connection. She says they will pull over so he can talk to me. They are currently about 35 miles away on the way to a meeting. He offers to come get them and I can either do a mass cremation, no ashes returned thing for $200. or a mass burial for $100. I believe this is way lower than his usual rates, he was offering me a special group rate under the circumstances. Its not a burial place I can visit. He said its a place that is slated to become a Wildlife Refuge. No idea if that is true. But I desperately want to believe it. Of all the sucky options, that seems like the best one.
By the time he gets there I have tried to tell each of them goodbye, and how terribly sorry I was that this happened to them, and that I didn't protect them well enough. I was cutting flowers to go with them when he came. He was very nice, very professional. I think it may have been the best option under the terrible circumstances. I feel bad they are not just dead, but dead and gone, with out spending eternity here with the others, and no little ceremony like the others got. But it was a relief to not have to spend all day today digging a GIANT hole to bury them. My 16 1/2 old cat is not doing well either. I will have to deal with loosing her soon also. But at least its natural causes, and won't be a big surprise, I have had lots of time to kinda prepare my mind for it.
I hope they understand how bad I feel and how sorry I am. Oddly I am not a religious person at all even though it may sound like that when I speak of this. I just have to think of an animal after life weather I need to believe in one for humans or not. Does not make sense. But they did not deserve this. They did nothing wrong. It was totally senseless.
They have always been free range. After the raccoon incident I started to build a pen. All the predator incidents have been at night, and almost all in Nov. and Dec. So my thought was as much as I don't want to build a pen. Don't know how to build one, have no good place, and don't want to pen them up, if I just do it at night for a couple of the most dangerous months I will....if I can convince them to go in the pen at night.
I started the next day. It took me 2 1/2 months of weekends to finish it. By then the most dangerous months were over. So the plan was Nov. 1 to the middle of Jan. I would pen them at night. It took me several nights to convince them all to go in the pen at night. At first I was terrified something would get the ones I had not convinced to go in the first couple nights. Terrified something would somehow get in, then they would have no chance to get away. But eventually they got used to the new routine. They all went in at sunset, and came out at breakfast time. It worked. We safely made it through the worst times, and about the middle of Jan. with some fear, I allowed them to go back to staying out all the time. Just used the pen to give ones not feeling well some safe rest time.
There is nothing cuter than a baby duck, and even the adults are cute with lots of personality. They look (and act) much like the AFFLEC duck. But they are messy, and they were all glad to be out of the pen, back to their lives and the safely of late spring, almost summer. Then this.
Then after they were gone, and I am wandering around lost and crying my eyes out, I see a very large blond dog in my back yard. I grab a rake and go chase him and yell at him. He went over the back 5 ft. fence. He must live there. I know they have a lot of dogs. I seldom look over the back fence, but he does not look like one I remember seeing last I looked. One or two really mean looking ones I do remember I don't see. This one looked like maybe a mix between a German Shepard and a lab. Very big, maybe 2 or 3 years old. I have no idea why these people have dogs. They are fenced into a space about the size of a family room just behind my yard. Yesterday I saw 4 dogs. I never see anyone play with them, or walk them, or take them inside. What the hell is the reason to have a dog like that? This one didn't look mean. Just bored, totally unsocialized, untrained, unexorcised. Nothing good to do. Is he new, or has he been there a while and something just set him off? What happened to the others? I wanted to hurt him. Not seriously, but I wanted to hear him yelp, and feel some fear. I threw some stuff at him, but kept missing. I was so glad the ducks were gone when he came back. I would have totally lost it if I saw him tearing one apart. I did not go talk to the owners. Obviously they are not good animal people. (and this is Calif. not Mexico or Alabama...Califs. as a whole, know better than treating animals like this). There was nothing they could say that would make me feel any better.
After I gave up throwing stuff at the dog, I called my friend Marilyn. She was appropriately shocked, and saddened and really seemed to under stand my trauma.
Then I cried some more, took a shower and sat in front of the t.v. drinking my big glass of wine. Called work and left a message I would be out sick today. Slept as long as I possibly could. Then I woke and the horrible image was back in my head and I could not get it out. Spent most of the day vegetating in front of the t.v. I can't do anything. I can't open the curtains out back. I can't see or hear how empty it is. All my beautiful flowers out there, and I don't want to see the back yard at all now. How will I hang out there without seeing dead bodies every where I look? Its 4:00 and I have not gotten dressed. Why bother now? I will sneak out after dark to take out garbage, its trash eve. I will try and go back to work tomorrow. I will try and not burst into tears at work.
I am kinda a hermit. I have very little family, none close by. My animals are everything to me. How do people survive loosing their whole human families? I know it happens. They may get more sympathy, but how do they go on? My friends can't understand how I can hear bad human stories and let it go, but nothing bad about animals. For some reason it has always been way harder to get the animal pictures out of my head than the human pics. I am not a big drinker. I needed it last night, but I can't do that all the time. How to get the picture out of my head is a really big thing now. Maybe Sat. I will try and open the back curtains and go out back. Not today or tomorrow. I would sit at my table and look out back. I don't want to now.
What will I do on the weekend? Much of it is usually cleaning duck pools and gardening? Will this ruin gardening for me forever? It has certainly taken away the feeling of safety and serenity my garden gave me. How do I ever get any of it back?
Saturday, June 5, 2010
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