Cruel World
Yesterday I heard a bird outside my bedroom window sounding like it was distressed. I finally figured I better go see what was going on. It was a baby Mockingbird in the bushes. He was just learning to fly. He was a foot or two off the ground, asking Mom to feed him. She had a bug in her beak, and was about to when she saw me. She dropped the bug, to scold me. I backed way off, hoping she would get another and feed the baby. She was quite upset that I was any where she could see me. He was fully feathered, cute, healthy looking and sounding. She had done a good job. I wondered if there were any others of hers still around. But at least she had this one, and if she could keep him alive another 2 weeks, he should be good to go.
It was the first thing that had made me smile outside in quite a while.
I gave up and went inside, tried to peak out the window. I could see her with a bug again, but could not see the baby from there. She was doing such a good job.
This afternoon I found what looked like baby Mockingbird remains in the front yard. I am heartbroken. I feel Moms pain.
Stupid cat...I think. I often see a certain cat in the yard, but had not seen him in a couple days, but more that likely it was him. I wish I could get close enough to put a bell on him at least. I am so sick of finding dead bodies. I want to love being outside again, but I don't and fear I will never will. That scares me.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Feel like I have been robbed
I guess not literally, but I no longer have watch ducks either, so that could actually be next.
Today was a beautiful, warm day. It started yesterday, first in a while, then more so today. It pisses me off. Beautiful day makes me think of outside, and gardening, and my yard....and dead duck bodies. I want my yard back. I want my security back. I want some joy back. It feels like its gone forever.
Haven't found any more dog poop in my yard since the guy behind me put up a few sheets of metal against the fence. Was that really all it took? That 10 minutes he spent on that could have saved 11 members of my family! No, it can't be that easy. Surely the dog will find another way over. I dare not get another duck. But maybe it would be a while, and they could have gone enjoying their lives for months...years? Why the hell was that not done sooner? Was he home that day and just ignored all the noise? God I hope not, that would really make me hate him. I never see the guy. I almost spoke to him when he was putting up the metal, but I was too angry to speak.
This is the kind of summer weather I am supposed to be out gardening until dark. Then when it gets too hot, just sitting reading or watching the ducks with a glass of lemonade. Not hiding on the computer. Not running back in side as soon as I can, cause I can't stand to be out there. How do you look at a place where someone you loved was murdered and found by you without seeing it again every time you look at that place?
One of the few friends I have talked about this week thinks I should see a counselor. If I even had the drive/energy to make the phone call and go....They would want me to have some plan, set some goals for getting past this. I am not up to that.
Being outside is one of the ways I try and feel better after a loss. But that feels ruined now. I could pull weeds, get ready to plant veggies. But the weeds go to the ducks, and round and round.
I can't go on like this to a real person...not that I have many real persons in my life anymore. But it needs to come out, and this seems to have taken the place of the journal I have been really bad at writing in for quite some time now.
Today was a beautiful, warm day. It started yesterday, first in a while, then more so today. It pisses me off. Beautiful day makes me think of outside, and gardening, and my yard....and dead duck bodies. I want my yard back. I want my security back. I want some joy back. It feels like its gone forever.
Haven't found any more dog poop in my yard since the guy behind me put up a few sheets of metal against the fence. Was that really all it took? That 10 minutes he spent on that could have saved 11 members of my family! No, it can't be that easy. Surely the dog will find another way over. I dare not get another duck. But maybe it would be a while, and they could have gone enjoying their lives for months...years? Why the hell was that not done sooner? Was he home that day and just ignored all the noise? God I hope not, that would really make me hate him. I never see the guy. I almost spoke to him when he was putting up the metal, but I was too angry to speak.
This is the kind of summer weather I am supposed to be out gardening until dark. Then when it gets too hot, just sitting reading or watching the ducks with a glass of lemonade. Not hiding on the computer. Not running back in side as soon as I can, cause I can't stand to be out there. How do you look at a place where someone you loved was murdered and found by you without seeing it again every time you look at that place?
One of the few friends I have talked about this week thinks I should see a counselor. If I even had the drive/energy to make the phone call and go....They would want me to have some plan, set some goals for getting past this. I am not up to that.
Being outside is one of the ways I try and feel better after a loss. But that feels ruined now. I could pull weeds, get ready to plant veggies. But the weeds go to the ducks, and round and round.
I can't go on like this to a real person...not that I have many real persons in my life anymore. But it needs to come out, and this seems to have taken the place of the journal I have been really bad at writing in for quite some time now.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Empty
Still having a hard time.
At work when I am busy I sometimes don't think about home or ducks for a while. Then I remember, and its like someone punched me hard in the stomach, and I am going to be sick.
Compounding how sad and empty backyard the backyard is, is the fact that not only have there been ducks there for almost 19 years, but before that there was always at least one dog. The yard has never been empty, and I don't like it one bit.
Sure, I hoped to have a dog again, but don't want to get one now, by default, just because I am afraid to have more ducks. Plus there is my old, not doing well cat. I don't want to put her through adjusting to a dog at this point. If I get one down the road, can I get one already trained to protect ducks? Where?
This week I saw the guy that lives behind me putting some sheets of metal against the fence. Wonder if my other neighbor talked to him, and threatened him if he did not keep his dog in. They are only against maybe 6 ft. of the fence, and not the place I saw him go back over. Did he see him come over that way? Other neighbor says this guy, though not old, is retired. You mean to tell me, the 44 hrs. a week that I am gone for work, he could have been there seeing what was going on and did nothing? Seeing him put these metal sheets just pissed me off. I thought of the phrase "closing the barn door after the horses get out." Why the hell did he not do this 3 weeks earlier, and save 11 lives, and my broken heart??? I don't think its enough of a fix, but maybe. 3 feet are only about an inch higher now, and 3 ft. are now about 3 inches higher. But maybe it would make it harder for the dog to get toe grips if that is how he got over.
I have worried about dogs getting through and getting A duck as fence boards get eaten up by termites. I have attempted to replace a few from my side as I find them, but I can't reach low enough to attach them on the bottom on his side. But never in my worse nightmares did I think a dog would come over the fence and kill every one. Never.
Apparently I can't feed myself well when depressed either. I have been eating very badly lately.
Besides missing my ducks, I miss my plants and flowers. But I just can't be out back very long. And I can't read gardening stuff either. It just depresses me more, and that depresses me. Its a bad cycle. I am just a blob, going through the motions. A few motions anyway.
Cat not doing well. House a disaster.
Turtle not eating well. Apparently her heater has not been working. It has no indicator. My separate thermometer is MIA, don't put my hands in water when heater is on often, so it took a while for me to notice. They can't digest their food when they are cold. But...it is July. Our clouds have been so low I needed windshield wipers almost every morning. That's closer than we usually get to rain this time of year. It has been very cool though. Hate to go buy another now, when its summer and should warm up any day now. It lasted 1 1/2 years (but she was missing part of that). Has a two year warranty, but by the time I pay postage there and back, is it really worth it? Do I even have the energy to do that? Hoping to wait a few months before I really need another.
Many of my credit cards come with "Reward programs". Some are automatic. When you get so much accumulated they send you a check, or a gift certificate. One sends you what you have once a year. One that I had never gotten anything from had sent me a catalog of what so many points will get me. I need at least a couple years worth of points for about anything I would want, so I pretty much forgot about it. Every once in a while I would notice the box that said X amount of points earned this month. Just noticed, that box said X amount of points will be lost next month. Apparently you can't save them over a certain about of years, and I have been loosing points for at least 9 months now! That kinds of pissed me off. I figured I better order something to bring my points down, and not get lost. I was able to browse on line at what was available, but spent an hour trying to figure out how to redeem on line Finally call the number on the old catalog, that being a pack rat, I still have. For $3,000 points I got a $25 gift certificate for Best Buys. It took only a few days to arrive, so its kinda like a free gift to myself. Better than just loosing points. Dah! Better keep better track of that.
I also sent myself some money from one bank to move to another. So I get this $700. check in the mail. Its my money, yet it was like cool, like someone sent it to me. I deposited it. Maybe I will send myself money more often.
5;15. Ducks should be quacking for dinner. Yet they are not.
At work when I am busy I sometimes don't think about home or ducks for a while. Then I remember, and its like someone punched me hard in the stomach, and I am going to be sick.
Compounding how sad and empty backyard the backyard is, is the fact that not only have there been ducks there for almost 19 years, but before that there was always at least one dog. The yard has never been empty, and I don't like it one bit.
Sure, I hoped to have a dog again, but don't want to get one now, by default, just because I am afraid to have more ducks. Plus there is my old, not doing well cat. I don't want to put her through adjusting to a dog at this point. If I get one down the road, can I get one already trained to protect ducks? Where?
This week I saw the guy that lives behind me putting some sheets of metal against the fence. Wonder if my other neighbor talked to him, and threatened him if he did not keep his dog in. They are only against maybe 6 ft. of the fence, and not the place I saw him go back over. Did he see him come over that way? Other neighbor says this guy, though not old, is retired. You mean to tell me, the 44 hrs. a week that I am gone for work, he could have been there seeing what was going on and did nothing? Seeing him put these metal sheets just pissed me off. I thought of the phrase "closing the barn door after the horses get out." Why the hell did he not do this 3 weeks earlier, and save 11 lives, and my broken heart??? I don't think its enough of a fix, but maybe. 3 feet are only about an inch higher now, and 3 ft. are now about 3 inches higher. But maybe it would make it harder for the dog to get toe grips if that is how he got over.
I have worried about dogs getting through and getting A duck as fence boards get eaten up by termites. I have attempted to replace a few from my side as I find them, but I can't reach low enough to attach them on the bottom on his side. But never in my worse nightmares did I think a dog would come over the fence and kill every one. Never.
Apparently I can't feed myself well when depressed either. I have been eating very badly lately.
Besides missing my ducks, I miss my plants and flowers. But I just can't be out back very long. And I can't read gardening stuff either. It just depresses me more, and that depresses me. Its a bad cycle. I am just a blob, going through the motions. A few motions anyway.
Cat not doing well. House a disaster.
Turtle not eating well. Apparently her heater has not been working. It has no indicator. My separate thermometer is MIA, don't put my hands in water when heater is on often, so it took a while for me to notice. They can't digest their food when they are cold. But...it is July. Our clouds have been so low I needed windshield wipers almost every morning. That's closer than we usually get to rain this time of year. It has been very cool though. Hate to go buy another now, when its summer and should warm up any day now. It lasted 1 1/2 years (but she was missing part of that). Has a two year warranty, but by the time I pay postage there and back, is it really worth it? Do I even have the energy to do that? Hoping to wait a few months before I really need another.
Many of my credit cards come with "Reward programs". Some are automatic. When you get so much accumulated they send you a check, or a gift certificate. One sends you what you have once a year. One that I had never gotten anything from had sent me a catalog of what so many points will get me. I need at least a couple years worth of points for about anything I would want, so I pretty much forgot about it. Every once in a while I would notice the box that said X amount of points earned this month. Just noticed, that box said X amount of points will be lost next month. Apparently you can't save them over a certain about of years, and I have been loosing points for at least 9 months now! That kinds of pissed me off. I figured I better order something to bring my points down, and not get lost. I was able to browse on line at what was available, but spent an hour trying to figure out how to redeem on line Finally call the number on the old catalog, that being a pack rat, I still have. For $3,000 points I got a $25 gift certificate for Best Buys. It took only a few days to arrive, so its kinda like a free gift to myself. Better than just loosing points. Dah! Better keep better track of that.
I also sent myself some money from one bank to move to another. So I get this $700. check in the mail. Its my money, yet it was like cool, like someone sent it to me. I deposited it. Maybe I will send myself money more often.
5;15. Ducks should be quacking for dinner. Yet they are not.
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