I guess not literally, but I no longer have watch ducks either, so that could actually be next.
Today was a beautiful, warm day. It started yesterday, first in a while, then more so today. It pisses me off. Beautiful day makes me think of outside, and gardening, and my yard....and dead duck bodies. I want my yard back. I want my security back. I want some joy back. It feels like its gone forever.
Haven't found any more dog poop in my yard since the guy behind me put up a few sheets of metal against the fence. Was that really all it took? That 10 minutes he spent on that could have saved 11 members of my family! No, it can't be that easy. Surely the dog will find another way over. I dare not get another duck. But maybe it would be a while, and they could have gone enjoying their lives for months...years? Why the hell was that not done sooner? Was he home that day and just ignored all the noise? God I hope not, that would really make me hate him. I never see the guy. I almost spoke to him when he was putting up the metal, but I was too angry to speak.
This is the kind of summer weather I am supposed to be out gardening until dark. Then when it gets too hot, just sitting reading or watching the ducks with a glass of lemonade. Not hiding on the computer. Not running back in side as soon as I can, cause I can't stand to be out there. How do you look at a place where someone you loved was murdered and found by you without seeing it again every time you look at that place?
One of the few friends I have talked about this week thinks I should see a counselor. If I even had the drive/energy to make the phone call and go....They would want me to have some plan, set some goals for getting past this. I am not up to that.
Being outside is one of the ways I try and feel better after a loss. But that feels ruined now. I could pull weeds, get ready to plant veggies. But the weeds go to the ducks, and round and round.
I can't go on like this to a real person...not that I have many real persons in my life anymore. But it needs to come out, and this seems to have taken the place of the journal I have been really bad at writing in for quite some time now.
