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Wildlife Wipeout: Wind Turbines Kill Winged Creatures

Wildlife Wipeout: Wind Turbines Kill Winged Creatures: More than a million birds and bats are killed annually by wind turbines, but fatalities are cut if the turbines are located offshore and are turned off during low wind speeds.

Read this a few years ago and it stuck with me.  I want to love the idea of wind power, but.....have they improved this?  Not sure.

 October 20, 2020                                    Friendship

I think the older you get the harder it is to make friends.  Maybe until you get really old and every old person is suddenly your friend.  For me its hard.  I cherish the friends I do have.  But I also am not a people person, so it is hard for me to be around people very much.  I can be annoying and am usually unaware I am being annoying.  I need to be around people occasionally for mental health, but for me it is hard work and exhausting.  Of course some more than others.  I will look forward to getting together with friends, and enjoy it (at least before covid, I have only gotten together with friends once since lockdown, and that was earlier this month)!

Some are much better at working at maintaining friendships than I am.  Some I have lost because they did not care enough to maintain them, and it takes two.  A couple have died, and the older I get the more that will happen.

One good friend, maybe my best friend lives 395 miles away and for years I would see her one day a year.  One long, fun filled day.  Than the last few years, I have seen her a couple times a year.  I last saw her in March, just before the covid lockdown.  We had no idea things would get so drastic and bad with it.  We have communicated a little since then.  We were even planning a trip for this week.  We have managed 3 trips in the past.  It has been fun, but she is all about the destination and I want to enjoy the journey, so there has been some conflict, but it was worth it, and we got over it. But somewhere in the online  discussion this time, she seemed to get mad at me, and basically said forget it, not the right time.  Her plan had been to come over to CA and visit her daughter who is currently living about 18 miles south of me.  Then pick me up and head north for a little trip.  Usually when she comes to visit her daughter I am invited to go do something with them, or at least join them for dinner.  This time I thought maybe even if I was invited, I would say, well, since we will have the next 6 days together, you just enjoy your Mommie and me time this time.  But even after the trip was cancelled, I was not invited.  I kept thinking maybe she would contact me and ask to get together, but no.  

Last I heard, she was driving over Sat. and driving back Mon.  So even then I thought I might hear, hey I decided to stay another day and my daughter is back at work, do you want to do something?  I would have said sure what would you like to do?  And if she had no suggestions, I might have suggested Julian again.  I have mentioned it many times, and we have never gone.  I love Julian.  But going when it is hot is not the best time, you want crisp air.  Yesterday might have been ok.  I don't know how many of the businesses survived covid.  It has been so hard, and they are little and often struggle, so she may not have gotten the full Julian experience, but so wanted to someday share it with her.  But no call or message, figured she just headed home. Neither of us said anything terrible.  Nothing that really requires an apology or that can't just blow over, so although I was kinda sad and hurt she did not want to see me this trip.  I was like, ok, it is a short trip, she needs a break from me and wants to just hang with her daughter.  Give her some time, and she will get over it and be ok again.

Then last night a post shows up from her on FB, at the Julian Pie Company.  It felt like a big slap in the face.  Like take that!  You pissed me off, so I will just go without you!  A year ago her daughter had never heard of Julian, and doesn't eat that stuff, so if she went with her I am super sad, and mad, and hurt about it.  If she took a little detour on her way home and went alone, I am slightly less upset, but still.  I feel like I lost my best friend. 

End of Year Thoughts

12/31/18

So another year comes to an end.  Did it go like I thought it would?   Here is some of what I thought would happen vs what did happen.

I thought I would sell both old cars and get one a bit newer.  Did not happen.  It seemed too overwhelming to even start.  I don't carry a cell or text, and people expect instant contact.  Even if I can get them to call my house phone, then it is returning all the calls, talking to them, meeting them, etc.  I want them both to go to good homes.  I like my 1988 Chevy, but mostly because it was my Grandma's.   I LOVE my 1990 Honda Civic Wagon.  She is my baby and it makes me so sad to even think about selling her.  But she has had a few issues, and lots of miles.  I am not a mechanic and don't have one volunteering to take good care of her.  It makes good sense to have 1 good, reliable, lower mileage car when I get to retire.  I won't need a back up car then to make sure I get to work.  But I also want one that I could just get in and go wherever with out worrying about it either.  

Well after I registered them both, had to get my monies worth out of that, so put it off for another year.  Now that time is approaching and dreading it. I don't care about the money I get for them so much.  But afraid if I went to a dealer or something like that, yeah, they would give me a few bucks to make the sale, but maybe they would just junk them, and I would hate to have that happen.

I was not crazy about work a year ago.  But little did I know how much worse it was to get this year.  I think a lot of it has to do with the new sup. we got 1 year ago.  Comes in all sweet and nice, then we find she is a total control freak.  Never think "how much worse can it get?"  Apparently A LOT!.

I had hoped to have some of the holes in the walls of my laundry room fixed by now.  And a new connection to put in a laundry tub.  Besides being able to use it for messy jobs, the main thing is to let the washer drain into it, so it does not go all over the floor.  It comes out of the washer faster than my old pipes can handle it.  I have to babysit it and stop and start it when it drains.  It has been going on a long time, and I have missed it too many times.  Sometimes when I am standing right there and am not fast enough.  I want to be able to walk away like a normal person.
What is holding me back from that?  I am embarrassed to have any one in my messy house, even a work man. It makes sense to do the holes in the wall before I do the plumbing connection and put in the laundry tub.  A plumber won't want to fix the holes.  A handyman may not be up to the plumbing.  Maybe that may be simple enough, but....I hate to call people, esp. to come to my house, and who do I call?  I have a knack for picking the wrong one.  So keep putting it off.

I had hoped that would be done by now.  If it went well, after that maybe I could have the same person work on the bathroom.  Assuming handy man type.  New sink, vanity, toilet, floor tile , maybe wall tile, maybe medicine chest and light fixture, maybe shelving..  Can I afford it?  Can I get one person to do a good job on all of it?  Can I get a new, low flush toilet, that does not need to be flushed twice every time I even pee?  I dragged home what is in there now myself about 35 years or so, and my ex and a room mate did most of it.  I could have done most of it, but they volunteered.  How do you get stuff with a handyman?  Do I drag it all home and they install?  Just go pick out and pay and they drag it?  I think I know what floor tile, and maybe vanity, but that is all I know.  Too overwhelming, and the laundry room should be first.

So by now, thought all of the above would have been done.  I actually thought Britty would have gone months earlier.  By now I would have sanitized everything, and adopted a couple of new bunnies, maybe a new cat.  None of that has happened.  First New Years Eve with no bunnies, cats, dogs, ducks....something (besides my turtle) in way longer than I can even remember.  When we were first married, it was a while before we brought my dog, Tobie, over to live with us.  Was that the last?  And then we were probably with her at Christmas.  Has there been any in the last 40 years?  Kinda don't think so.  I think maybe when I was really little.  This is not right.  

It has been 6 1/2 weeks since Britty died.  I have swept and mopped  the floor, but no real sanitizing.  I have not even been able to bring myself to wash her towels yet.  There is one by where I watch t.v.  It is folded in such a way that if I rub it without looking, it feels a little like a bunny ear.  I still do that sometimes when I watch t.v.  I am still making excuses for not having her put to sleep earlier.  She had so many ups and downs I really was not sure till the last couple days that this was most likely going to be it.  I always said if I really thought they were in pain, I would do it.  Well, I did think she was in pain a bit the last month or so.  But I only saw it a few minutes a day, usually when I was doing something, cleaning her or something, not so much when she was just laying around.  Then it seemed more like "I don't feel very well right now", and not "oh, I hurt like hell, please make it stop".  I tell myself towards the end, if I could have made the decision, and 5 min. later walked into her bunny vet and done it, I would have.  But the making the decision and then calling to see if he is in, and making an appt. and driving (avg. of 1/2 hr). to take her in, too much time to think about it and not do it.  I keep trying to justify it.  The truth may be more like when it comes to this I am a big fat coward.  Britty I am sorry I made you go to the very end, and did not help you feel better sooner.  I hope it was not too bad for you.  Mommy loves you so much.  Please forgive me, and thank you for being my bunny for almost 12 years.

What will 2019 bring?  Hopefully I will take care of some of the stuff from above that I failed to take care of in 2018.  Hopefully I will have some furry friends by this time next year.  And hopefully by this time next year......I will be retired!!!!  Can't wait!!! 

Tuesday Nov. 27 after Britty.

Tuesday Nov. 27, I go pick up her ashes.  Glad that part is over at least.  
Now going on without her.  Yes, it is always terribly hard to loose a pet.  I thought this might be a bit easier to accept since I had known it was coming for quite a while.  Smokey went down hill pretty rapidly, but Britty was a much more gradual and longer decline.

It has been 12 years since I have been bunny less.  But then I still had a cat and a bunch of pet ducks.  Now all I have is one turtle.  That's it!  It is like all the life has been sucked out of the house.  I have lived alone and liked it for many years.  Life felt full and busy, now it feels so empty.  

When Andy died (Nov. 2006), my plan was to take a month or so and mourn him.  Then clean and sanitize everything (he had been sick on and off for quite a while).  Then for Christmas I would adopt a pair of buns.  I wanted an already neutered, bonded pair that did remind me too much of Andy.  So that narrowed it down to 1 pair at the Oceanside shelter and 1 pair at the Escondido shelter.  The ones in Escondido had been there longer, so I choose them.  I decided before I ever got there.  I still had to walk past all the cute ones saying "pick me, pick me", to get to their cage.  There was Brittany and Christina.  They had given up.  They looked good.  But kinda like 2 big fat ticks.  They had not had much to do except eat pellets and were a bit pudgy.  They had been been found running loose in Escondido and had been there almost a year.  I decided to make their "birthday" January 2006.  By that, Britty was 2 months away from turning 13.  But I know it could have been a bit more or less either way.  They had each other (sisters) and their pellets, and had little interest in anything else.  

I thought they would be so happy to get out of the shelter, and home with me.  My house is tiny, but for starters they went into a bigger cage before I tried turning them loose.  They had little interest in me.  They did not like the pellets,  carrots, or veggies I served.  They did like the cilantro, and would eat the hay.  Oh, well, they could afford to loose a little weight, they will come around.  

Well, of course they did and after about 2 weeks their personality started to show.  Chrissie was the trouble maker and Britty was the good, polite girl.  Then several years later Smokey came along.  He loved and demanded attention.  I sometimes thought Britty was being short changed on attention because Chrissie and Smokey seemed to need so much.  When Chrisse died, I turned my attention to Smokey and Britty.  When Smokey died, I turned it all to Britty.  So hopefully she felt like she got enough.

I had wondered years ago if maybe Britty had a heart condition.  When it was play time and they all came out to run around, she was always the first to go lay down and rest.  When they had their check up June of 2017 Dr. H. asked if she always breathed that hard.  I did not know.  Well, she lasted longer than both of them, so maybe she was just pacing herself.

This time I feel like I can't go get new buns for Christmas, sad as that feels.  I thought I was going to get some work done in my laundry room and bath room like a year ago at least.  Then I thought after the buns go, I would take a few months and get some work done in the kitchen.  Maybe I would even end up with more room for the bun area, and they would not be in the way or scared when the work was happening.   I am a master procrastinator, and even more so when I have to hire someone.  The laundry room really needs done.  The bathroom I guess could wait, but it has waited many, many years.  And the kitchen!  Well, I can't do all 3 in one year, plus can't wait that long for new buns.  But I feel like I need to at least accomplish some of this work I have been putting off.  With all the time, energy, money, etc. I put into Britty, I started saying, well, I will do that after Britty goes about a lot of things.  I didn't think it would be at the holidays.  Not the best time to look for someone to hire.  I am hoping wanting to adopt new friends will motivate myself to get some stuff done at least the first of the year, and then go adopt.  I thought well maybe I am ready for a new cat, I did not promise myself I would wait any longer for that.  But as bad as the coyotte problems is getting here, I am going to have to try way harder to keep the next cat inside. I don't want to have to worry about it running out while a work man is here.  So waiting on that too.
Christmas is kinda hard when you have no family, but have always had my fur babies.  This is going to be a tough year.

Britty Nov. 17-18.

I have a hard time getting out of bed, again.  Don't have to go to work, or DMV (thankfully).  I don't have to go give Britty her medicine and morning food.  But I still have Britty to deal with, and I don't want to.  This is not how I usually deal with a pets death.  Usually if it happens that morning, I deal with it that day.  If it happens latter, then the next day.  But of all the days for it to happen it was DMV eve.  Now I am just stalling.  I don't want to get up.  I don't feel like doing anything.  I don't want to call the cremation place.  (Circle of Life)  I don't want to sit in Sat. 5 south traffic to take her to Encinitas. 

It was afternoon before I was finally ready to give Britty her last bath.  I used cold water, and did not want to blow dry her too terribly much. (even though the blow drying was the part that she seemed to mind the least) I don't want her to "go bad"  so to speak.  I was horrified to see how skinny she was.  It looked like I did not feed her at all.  Yes I knew she was thin, but not this thin!  She was a lot thinner than last weeks bath.  She had been eating good until pretty recently.  I was ashamed.  I didn't want anyone to see her and see that I "let her get that way".  Did she have cancer and we didn't know it?  When Chrissie had cancer Dr. L. said give her as much as she wants cancer takes so much energy (calories) from them.  He never said he suspected that in Britty, and neither  did I.  It was like she lost half her body weight in two weeks, even eating almost as much as she had been. 

Ok, so I am sad and in shock, but finish the bath and try to dry her.  She just would not dry.  Don't know if it was using cold water, or that she was so cold when we started it or what, but it was taking forever.  Continue the grooming, deciding not to rush it, she could go to the vets tomorrow, what is one more day.  But I had made myself call Circle of Life, in case they didn't answer on a Sunday.  I wanted that all taken care of before I took her to the vets (esp. after the incident with making arrangements for Smokey).  So when I feel she is as well groomed as I can at this time, I put her back in the fridge to stay chilled until t.v. time. 

It was a little harder to watch t.v. with her this time.  Knowing it was to be our last time.  Talked to her and petted her. I kept asking her to please forgive me for not doing better.  Its not like I think she is mad at me.  It is just me feeling like I let her down.  Not sure I would not still be asking her forgiveness if I had put her down.  Nothing feels completely right at the end. Not what I do and not what I don't do.  So sorry sweet girl.

Sunday, Nov. 18.
We drive to the vets in Encinitas and I take her in.  Of course I have not called them.  I hate to make calls, and it is not like she needs an appt.  She is to be picked up the next day, so they can just hold her a day.  Yes,  they were a bit surprised when I show up with her.  They are not sure what to do or say.  Ask if I need a few minutes alone in a room with her.  No, I have done that.  Did I pet her and say goodbye or kiss her just before they took her away?  Kinda hope so, but I am just not sure.  Wanted to get this all written down before I forgot anything, but already feeling fuzzy.  I am barely holding it together, then after I hand her over, a woman standing by over hearing, says she is sorry.  Then I lost it and headed out the door.

I went directly to the Encinitas St. fair.  I had planned to go before loosing Britty, and now though I am certainly not feeling festive, I could really use the distraction.

I go to work the next day. First day getting up with no Britty in the house.   Don't tell anyone.  Don't want to talk about it.  Don't want to hear any of the things people say.  One thing that someone I really like always says (and of course did say when I finally told her a week or so later), is "are you going to get another one?"   I have called her on that before.  My reply is "I hope when your boyfriend dies, you wait a few days before getting another one".  But she seems unable to retain how insensitive that remark is.  First night watching t.v. with no Britty.

I still have the tugs though.  A dozen times a day, I feel this tug to go take care of her.  Her area was kitchen, dining area, family room.  When I am in the other part of the house, reading, watching t.v. in my room, brushing my teeth, I feel the tugs.  Time for Britty's medicine, time to feed Britty, time to go hang out with Britty.  Or when I am someplace else, I should go home now and take care of Britty.  Animals have been my life.  They are why I get up in the morning, and why I come home at night.  Feel like my purpose is gone now.  Sure it would be nice to decide to take a trip and just go.  I would love to go more places without worrying about them and spending lots more money to have them taken care of.  But I can't be without them either.  Traveling would be a sometimes thing.  Not an everyday thing.  Still feeling that all the life has been sucked out of the house feeling, and I do not like it.

DMV- Part 2

Nov. 16, 2018
So I get up, get that kick in the stomach feeling twice.  Britty is dead and I have to go to the DMV.  I am over come with feeling of dread.  I haven't cried about Britty yet, and now afraid if I do, I will have an even harder time at the DMV, so trying to put that off.  First I have to call in sick.  Then get ready and go.  

Arrive about 9:15, for my 9:20 appt.  I don't know if I am going to have to do a driving test or not.  Get in the appt. line.  Only 1 person ahead of me.  He is friendly, says I look familiar.  Yeah, maybe because I was here last month, but did not have my marriage certificate.  Get my number and go sit down and practice reading stuff far away with my right eye.  It is not looking good, even with the new glasses.  But I can't be at the counter before my turn, so I would be closer when it was my turn.  Praying that would be enough.


  They call my name and I go way back by where people are taking tests.  I wonder if this is some flunked the eye test specialist.    I am not mentioning my eye test or the form.  I say I am back to try again to get my Real Id drivers license.  I give him all my verifs. and he spends a long time looking at them, then goes to check with someone else.  They are all legit, but I feel like I am trying to cross a European border with forged documents.  Eventually he comes back and says "everything seems to be in order".  (Good, so I can cross the border now?)  More nervous.  Then I think well maybe he is just new.  Trying to think how to ask without pissing him off.  So come up with "have you worked here long?"  That got him talking.  Apparently he is a temp.  He is trying to get on permanently, but he works a year or so then they send him home, then a while later call him back.  Says they like him, and he is supposed to be here at least for another year.  Ok, making progress.  He does not have the eye charts hanging behind him like many of the other stations, so thinking he may send me to another one for that.  Trying to practice on the closest one while he is checking and checking.  Not feeling optimistic about those charts.

Finally time for the dreaded eye test. He does not send me to another station. At the right side of his, he had one of those machines on the counter. I had been so busy staring at the closest charts, I hadn't paid any attention to it. First I look with no glasses, hoping by some miracle I can keep the dreaded must wear corrective lenses off my license. He tells me to read the top line by the number 1. What I see is several lines at the top, that I think I can read, but they have no numbers, and several tiny little lines at the bottom next to numbers. I think he means the tiny top one in the bottom group that has the numbers, (not the very top one, with no number). So I attempt it. Don't know if I got any right. He says that can't be the top one. I move a bit and everything disappears. I put on my glasses and try again, reading the top line whether it has a number or not (don't remember). I think I get at least several of them right. Then again, and I think I get them all. Not sure if I read 3 or 4 times. I thought it would be like last time. First both eyes, then left, then right. Maybe he did it completely opposite. Anyway, somehow, he then said "ok you passed but with corrective lenses". He printed out another form saying that. Not happy about the lenses, but happy he said I passed. Still felt doubtful though. He has not asked for my eye Dr. referral form and I have not offered it. He says that the computer says I needed a referral, but since I passed he does not think that will be necessary. I don't pull it out and give it to him. I am afraid if I do, he might want to scrutinize my eye test more. But also afraid if I don't it won't really go through until I get it and I will have to come back with it. Decide to cross that bridge if I have to, and do not offer it.

Then he sends me over to get my picture taken. Not thrilled with that. Last month I was more prepared. My hair looked better, and I had a prettier shirt on. But I get in line. She is almost to me, and gets interrupted. Finally gets to me and asks me to put my thumb on the reader. Try a couple times, and nothing. She asks what window I was at, I tell her, but he is not there now. She says his computer is not communicating with hers yet, it must just be taking a while. Please step aside. So I wait. She takes a few more pics. She gets interrupted a lot more. Eventually my guy comes back and while helping someone else notices me standing there and motions me back to him. I tell him what she said. He looks again, and said, oh, it is already in progress in Sacramento, you don't need another picture, you can go now. 

I feel a bit uncertain if it really is all over, but hoping so.  It is really getting busy now.  I was there, with an appt., about 65 minutes.  Not too bad.  Really glad I had that appointment.  
I want to come out of there feeling like the weight of the world is off of my shoulders.  Maybe go celebrate with a bit of shopping and a movie, then come home and hug my bunny.
But instead my sweet bunny is dead and I have to deal with that.  I just can't deal then.  I decide to just live in denial for a while.  
I go walk around downtown Vista for a while till it was time for a movie.  Hoping I don't see anyone I know after calling sick.  But I do see P.C. from work, but she is ok, won't get me in trouble.  Do a bit of shopping.  Then go see "The Girl in the Spiders Web".  Then stop at Costco and home.

Again that evening I do the Norman Bates thing and get Britty out of the fridge to watch t.v. with me.  Feeling relieved about the DMV, bad, sad, guilty and creepy about the way I am dealing/not dealing with Britty.  

It might have been better for both of us if she had gone the weekend before.  5 days earlier.  I talked about that with her.  "You know I don't want you to go, but if it is getting to by your time are  you sure you don't want to go Sat. when I don't have to go to work, or Sun. before I drive 30 miles to stock up on bunny supplies for you?"   It would have been good to not have to deal with work, DMV and loosing Britty all at the same time (not to mention the $70. I spent renewing my House Rabbit membership and buying her food and supplies she won't be here for.  Plus she probably weighed a pound more then and could have skipped a few days of not feeling good.  But who am I to say when?  I couldn't.  She probably stuck around for me anyway.  Poor little sweet girl.