End of Year Thoughts

12/31/18

So another year comes to an end.  Did it go like I thought it would?   Here is some of what I thought would happen vs what did happen.

I thought I would sell both old cars and get one a bit newer.  Did not happen.  It seemed too overwhelming to even start.  I don't carry a cell or text, and people expect instant contact.  Even if I can get them to call my house phone, then it is returning all the calls, talking to them, meeting them, etc.  I want them both to go to good homes.  I like my 1988 Chevy, but mostly because it was my Grandma's.   I LOVE my 1990 Honda Civic Wagon.  She is my baby and it makes me so sad to even think about selling her.  But she has had a few issues, and lots of miles.  I am not a mechanic and don't have one volunteering to take good care of her.  It makes good sense to have 1 good, reliable, lower mileage car when I get to retire.  I won't need a back up car then to make sure I get to work.  But I also want one that I could just get in and go wherever with out worrying about it either.  

Well after I registered them both, had to get my monies worth out of that, so put it off for another year.  Now that time is approaching and dreading it. I don't care about the money I get for them so much.  But afraid if I went to a dealer or something like that, yeah, they would give me a few bucks to make the sale, but maybe they would just junk them, and I would hate to have that happen.

I was not crazy about work a year ago.  But little did I know how much worse it was to get this year.  I think a lot of it has to do with the new sup. we got 1 year ago.  Comes in all sweet and nice, then we find she is a total control freak.  Never think "how much worse can it get?"  Apparently A LOT!.

I had hoped to have some of the holes in the walls of my laundry room fixed by now.  And a new connection to put in a laundry tub.  Besides being able to use it for messy jobs, the main thing is to let the washer drain into it, so it does not go all over the floor.  It comes out of the washer faster than my old pipes can handle it.  I have to babysit it and stop and start it when it drains.  It has been going on a long time, and I have missed it too many times.  Sometimes when I am standing right there and am not fast enough.  I want to be able to walk away like a normal person.
What is holding me back from that?  I am embarrassed to have any one in my messy house, even a work man. It makes sense to do the holes in the wall before I do the plumbing connection and put in the laundry tub.  A plumber won't want to fix the holes.  A handyman may not be up to the plumbing.  Maybe that may be simple enough, but....I hate to call people, esp. to come to my house, and who do I call?  I have a knack for picking the wrong one.  So keep putting it off.

I had hoped that would be done by now.  If it went well, after that maybe I could have the same person work on the bathroom.  Assuming handy man type.  New sink, vanity, toilet, floor tile , maybe wall tile, maybe medicine chest and light fixture, maybe shelving..  Can I afford it?  Can I get one person to do a good job on all of it?  Can I get a new, low flush toilet, that does not need to be flushed twice every time I even pee?  I dragged home what is in there now myself about 35 years or so, and my ex and a room mate did most of it.  I could have done most of it, but they volunteered.  How do you get stuff with a handyman?  Do I drag it all home and they install?  Just go pick out and pay and they drag it?  I think I know what floor tile, and maybe vanity, but that is all I know.  Too overwhelming, and the laundry room should be first.

So by now, thought all of the above would have been done.  I actually thought Britty would have gone months earlier.  By now I would have sanitized everything, and adopted a couple of new bunnies, maybe a new cat.  None of that has happened.  First New Years Eve with no bunnies, cats, dogs, ducks....something (besides my turtle) in way longer than I can even remember.  When we were first married, it was a while before we brought my dog, Tobie, over to live with us.  Was that the last?  And then we were probably with her at Christmas.  Has there been any in the last 40 years?  Kinda don't think so.  I think maybe when I was really little.  This is not right.  

It has been 6 1/2 weeks since Britty died.  I have swept and mopped  the floor, but no real sanitizing.  I have not even been able to bring myself to wash her towels yet.  There is one by where I watch t.v.  It is folded in such a way that if I rub it without looking, it feels a little like a bunny ear.  I still do that sometimes when I watch t.v.  I am still making excuses for not having her put to sleep earlier.  She had so many ups and downs I really was not sure till the last couple days that this was most likely going to be it.  I always said if I really thought they were in pain, I would do it.  Well, I did think she was in pain a bit the last month or so.  But I only saw it a few minutes a day, usually when I was doing something, cleaning her or something, not so much when she was just laying around.  Then it seemed more like "I don't feel very well right now", and not "oh, I hurt like hell, please make it stop".  I tell myself towards the end, if I could have made the decision, and 5 min. later walked into her bunny vet and done it, I would have.  But the making the decision and then calling to see if he is in, and making an appt. and driving (avg. of 1/2 hr). to take her in, too much time to think about it and not do it.  I keep trying to justify it.  The truth may be more like when it comes to this I am a big fat coward.  Britty I am sorry I made you go to the very end, and did not help you feel better sooner.  I hope it was not too bad for you.  Mommy loves you so much.  Please forgive me, and thank you for being my bunny for almost 12 years.

What will 2019 bring?  Hopefully I will take care of some of the stuff from above that I failed to take care of in 2018.  Hopefully I will have some furry friends by this time next year.  And hopefully by this time next year......I will be retired!!!!  Can't wait!!! 

Tuesday Nov. 27 after Britty.

Tuesday Nov. 27, I go pick up her ashes.  Glad that part is over at least.  
Now going on without her.  Yes, it is always terribly hard to loose a pet.  I thought this might be a bit easier to accept since I had known it was coming for quite a while.  Smokey went down hill pretty rapidly, but Britty was a much more gradual and longer decline.

It has been 12 years since I have been bunny less.  But then I still had a cat and a bunch of pet ducks.  Now all I have is one turtle.  That's it!  It is like all the life has been sucked out of the house.  I have lived alone and liked it for many years.  Life felt full and busy, now it feels so empty.  

When Andy died (Nov. 2006), my plan was to take a month or so and mourn him.  Then clean and sanitize everything (he had been sick on and off for quite a while).  Then for Christmas I would adopt a pair of buns.  I wanted an already neutered, bonded pair that did remind me too much of Andy.  So that narrowed it down to 1 pair at the Oceanside shelter and 1 pair at the Escondido shelter.  The ones in Escondido had been there longer, so I choose them.  I decided before I ever got there.  I still had to walk past all the cute ones saying "pick me, pick me", to get to their cage.  There was Brittany and Christina.  They had given up.  They looked good.  But kinda like 2 big fat ticks.  They had not had much to do except eat pellets and were a bit pudgy.  They had been been found running loose in Escondido and had been there almost a year.  I decided to make their "birthday" January 2006.  By that, Britty was 2 months away from turning 13.  But I know it could have been a bit more or less either way.  They had each other (sisters) and their pellets, and had little interest in anything else.  

I thought they would be so happy to get out of the shelter, and home with me.  My house is tiny, but for starters they went into a bigger cage before I tried turning them loose.  They had little interest in me.  They did not like the pellets,  carrots, or veggies I served.  They did like the cilantro, and would eat the hay.  Oh, well, they could afford to loose a little weight, they will come around.  

Well, of course they did and after about 2 weeks their personality started to show.  Chrissie was the trouble maker and Britty was the good, polite girl.  Then several years later Smokey came along.  He loved and demanded attention.  I sometimes thought Britty was being short changed on attention because Chrissie and Smokey seemed to need so much.  When Chrisse died, I turned my attention to Smokey and Britty.  When Smokey died, I turned it all to Britty.  So hopefully she felt like she got enough.

I had wondered years ago if maybe Britty had a heart condition.  When it was play time and they all came out to run around, she was always the first to go lay down and rest.  When they had their check up June of 2017 Dr. H. asked if she always breathed that hard.  I did not know.  Well, she lasted longer than both of them, so maybe she was just pacing herself.

This time I feel like I can't go get new buns for Christmas, sad as that feels.  I thought I was going to get some work done in my laundry room and bath room like a year ago at least.  Then I thought after the buns go, I would take a few months and get some work done in the kitchen.  Maybe I would even end up with more room for the bun area, and they would not be in the way or scared when the work was happening.   I am a master procrastinator, and even more so when I have to hire someone.  The laundry room really needs done.  The bathroom I guess could wait, but it has waited many, many years.  And the kitchen!  Well, I can't do all 3 in one year, plus can't wait that long for new buns.  But I feel like I need to at least accomplish some of this work I have been putting off.  With all the time, energy, money, etc. I put into Britty, I started saying, well, I will do that after Britty goes about a lot of things.  I didn't think it would be at the holidays.  Not the best time to look for someone to hire.  I am hoping wanting to adopt new friends will motivate myself to get some stuff done at least the first of the year, and then go adopt.  I thought well maybe I am ready for a new cat, I did not promise myself I would wait any longer for that.  But as bad as the coyotte problems is getting here, I am going to have to try way harder to keep the next cat inside. I don't want to have to worry about it running out while a work man is here.  So waiting on that too.
Christmas is kinda hard when you have no family, but have always had my fur babies.  This is going to be a tough year.

Britty Nov. 17-18.

I have a hard time getting out of bed, again.  Don't have to go to work, or DMV (thankfully).  I don't have to go give Britty her medicine and morning food.  But I still have Britty to deal with, and I don't want to.  This is not how I usually deal with a pets death.  Usually if it happens that morning, I deal with it that day.  If it happens latter, then the next day.  But of all the days for it to happen it was DMV eve.  Now I am just stalling.  I don't want to get up.  I don't feel like doing anything.  I don't want to call the cremation place.  (Circle of Life)  I don't want to sit in Sat. 5 south traffic to take her to Encinitas. 

It was afternoon before I was finally ready to give Britty her last bath.  I used cold water, and did not want to blow dry her too terribly much. (even though the blow drying was the part that she seemed to mind the least) I don't want her to "go bad"  so to speak.  I was horrified to see how skinny she was.  It looked like I did not feed her at all.  Yes I knew she was thin, but not this thin!  She was a lot thinner than last weeks bath.  She had been eating good until pretty recently.  I was ashamed.  I didn't want anyone to see her and see that I "let her get that way".  Did she have cancer and we didn't know it?  When Chrissie had cancer Dr. L. said give her as much as she wants cancer takes so much energy (calories) from them.  He never said he suspected that in Britty, and neither  did I.  It was like she lost half her body weight in two weeks, even eating almost as much as she had been. 

Ok, so I am sad and in shock, but finish the bath and try to dry her.  She just would not dry.  Don't know if it was using cold water, or that she was so cold when we started it or what, but it was taking forever.  Continue the grooming, deciding not to rush it, she could go to the vets tomorrow, what is one more day.  But I had made myself call Circle of Life, in case they didn't answer on a Sunday.  I wanted that all taken care of before I took her to the vets (esp. after the incident with making arrangements for Smokey).  So when I feel she is as well groomed as I can at this time, I put her back in the fridge to stay chilled until t.v. time. 

It was a little harder to watch t.v. with her this time.  Knowing it was to be our last time.  Talked to her and petted her. I kept asking her to please forgive me for not doing better.  Its not like I think she is mad at me.  It is just me feeling like I let her down.  Not sure I would not still be asking her forgiveness if I had put her down.  Nothing feels completely right at the end. Not what I do and not what I don't do.  So sorry sweet girl.

Sunday, Nov. 18.
We drive to the vets in Encinitas and I take her in.  Of course I have not called them.  I hate to make calls, and it is not like she needs an appt.  She is to be picked up the next day, so they can just hold her a day.  Yes,  they were a bit surprised when I show up with her.  They are not sure what to do or say.  Ask if I need a few minutes alone in a room with her.  No, I have done that.  Did I pet her and say goodbye or kiss her just before they took her away?  Kinda hope so, but I am just not sure.  Wanted to get this all written down before I forgot anything, but already feeling fuzzy.  I am barely holding it together, then after I hand her over, a woman standing by over hearing, says she is sorry.  Then I lost it and headed out the door.

I went directly to the Encinitas St. fair.  I had planned to go before loosing Britty, and now though I am certainly not feeling festive, I could really use the distraction.

I go to work the next day. First day getting up with no Britty in the house.   Don't tell anyone.  Don't want to talk about it.  Don't want to hear any of the things people say.  One thing that someone I really like always says (and of course did say when I finally told her a week or so later), is "are you going to get another one?"   I have called her on that before.  My reply is "I hope when your boyfriend dies, you wait a few days before getting another one".  But she seems unable to retain how insensitive that remark is.  First night watching t.v. with no Britty.

I still have the tugs though.  A dozen times a day, I feel this tug to go take care of her.  Her area was kitchen, dining area, family room.  When I am in the other part of the house, reading, watching t.v. in my room, brushing my teeth, I feel the tugs.  Time for Britty's medicine, time to feed Britty, time to go hang out with Britty.  Or when I am someplace else, I should go home now and take care of Britty.  Animals have been my life.  They are why I get up in the morning, and why I come home at night.  Feel like my purpose is gone now.  Sure it would be nice to decide to take a trip and just go.  I would love to go more places without worrying about them and spending lots more money to have them taken care of.  But I can't be without them either.  Traveling would be a sometimes thing.  Not an everyday thing.  Still feeling that all the life has been sucked out of the house feeling, and I do not like it.

DMV- Part 2

Nov. 16, 2018
So I get up, get that kick in the stomach feeling twice.  Britty is dead and I have to go to the DMV.  I am over come with feeling of dread.  I haven't cried about Britty yet, and now afraid if I do, I will have an even harder time at the DMV, so trying to put that off.  First I have to call in sick.  Then get ready and go.  

Arrive about 9:15, for my 9:20 appt.  I don't know if I am going to have to do a driving test or not.  Get in the appt. line.  Only 1 person ahead of me.  He is friendly, says I look familiar.  Yeah, maybe because I was here last month, but did not have my marriage certificate.  Get my number and go sit down and practice reading stuff far away with my right eye.  It is not looking good, even with the new glasses.  But I can't be at the counter before my turn, so I would be closer when it was my turn.  Praying that would be enough.


  They call my name and I go way back by where people are taking tests.  I wonder if this is some flunked the eye test specialist.    I am not mentioning my eye test or the form.  I say I am back to try again to get my Real Id drivers license.  I give him all my verifs. and he spends a long time looking at them, then goes to check with someone else.  They are all legit, but I feel like I am trying to cross a European border with forged documents.  Eventually he comes back and says "everything seems to be in order".  (Good, so I can cross the border now?)  More nervous.  Then I think well maybe he is just new.  Trying to think how to ask without pissing him off.  So come up with "have you worked here long?"  That got him talking.  Apparently he is a temp.  He is trying to get on permanently, but he works a year or so then they send him home, then a while later call him back.  Says they like him, and he is supposed to be here at least for another year.  Ok, making progress.  He does not have the eye charts hanging behind him like many of the other stations, so thinking he may send me to another one for that.  Trying to practice on the closest one while he is checking and checking.  Not feeling optimistic about those charts.

Finally time for the dreaded eye test. He does not send me to another station. At the right side of his, he had one of those machines on the counter. I had been so busy staring at the closest charts, I hadn't paid any attention to it. First I look with no glasses, hoping by some miracle I can keep the dreaded must wear corrective lenses off my license. He tells me to read the top line by the number 1. What I see is several lines at the top, that I think I can read, but they have no numbers, and several tiny little lines at the bottom next to numbers. I think he means the tiny top one in the bottom group that has the numbers, (not the very top one, with no number). So I attempt it. Don't know if I got any right. He says that can't be the top one. I move a bit and everything disappears. I put on my glasses and try again, reading the top line whether it has a number or not (don't remember). I think I get at least several of them right. Then again, and I think I get them all. Not sure if I read 3 or 4 times. I thought it would be like last time. First both eyes, then left, then right. Maybe he did it completely opposite. Anyway, somehow, he then said "ok you passed but with corrective lenses". He printed out another form saying that. Not happy about the lenses, but happy he said I passed. Still felt doubtful though. He has not asked for my eye Dr. referral form and I have not offered it. He says that the computer says I needed a referral, but since I passed he does not think that will be necessary. I don't pull it out and give it to him. I am afraid if I do, he might want to scrutinize my eye test more. But also afraid if I don't it won't really go through until I get it and I will have to come back with it. Decide to cross that bridge if I have to, and do not offer it.

Then he sends me over to get my picture taken. Not thrilled with that. Last month I was more prepared. My hair looked better, and I had a prettier shirt on. But I get in line. She is almost to me, and gets interrupted. Finally gets to me and asks me to put my thumb on the reader. Try a couple times, and nothing. She asks what window I was at, I tell her, but he is not there now. She says his computer is not communicating with hers yet, it must just be taking a while. Please step aside. So I wait. She takes a few more pics. She gets interrupted a lot more. Eventually my guy comes back and while helping someone else notices me standing there and motions me back to him. I tell him what she said. He looks again, and said, oh, it is already in progress in Sacramento, you don't need another picture, you can go now. 

I feel a bit uncertain if it really is all over, but hoping so.  It is really getting busy now.  I was there, with an appt., about 65 minutes.  Not too bad.  Really glad I had that appointment.  
I want to come out of there feeling like the weight of the world is off of my shoulders.  Maybe go celebrate with a bit of shopping and a movie, then come home and hug my bunny.
But instead my sweet bunny is dead and I have to deal with that.  I just can't deal then.  I decide to just live in denial for a while.  
I go walk around downtown Vista for a while till it was time for a movie.  Hoping I don't see anyone I know after calling sick.  But I do see P.C. from work, but she is ok, won't get me in trouble.  Do a bit of shopping.  Then go see "The Girl in the Spiders Web".  Then stop at Costco and home.

Again that evening I do the Norman Bates thing and get Britty out of the fridge to watch t.v. with me.  Feeling relieved about the DMV, bad, sad, guilty and creepy about the way I am dealing/not dealing with Britty.  

It might have been better for both of us if she had gone the weekend before.  5 days earlier.  I talked about that with her.  "You know I don't want you to go, but if it is getting to by your time are  you sure you don't want to go Sat. when I don't have to go to work, or Sun. before I drive 30 miles to stock up on bunny supplies for you?"   It would have been good to not have to deal with work, DMV and loosing Britty all at the same time (not to mention the $70. I spent renewing my House Rabbit membership and buying her food and supplies she won't be here for.  Plus she probably weighed a pound more then and could have skipped a few days of not feeling good.  But who am I to say when?  I couldn't.  She probably stuck around for me anyway.  Poor little sweet girl.

Britty Oct. 2017-Nov. 2018

When Smokey died in Oct. 2017 Britty already was not doing well, and continued to get worse. I begged her not to go the same month as Smokey.  I could not bear it.  

Then it was please don't go at Thanksgiving time.
Then it was please don't go at Christmas time.
Then it was please don't go at New Years time.
Then for several months it was ok, I get it, you have hung in there for me this long.  If you feel like you have to go, it is ok.  I will miss you and be sad, but its ok, but  could you please make it on a Sunday?  (So I have the whole day to be sad and drive you to the vets to get picked up for cremation.  Did not tell her that part.)
Then it was please don't go at Easter.
Then please don't go when I have scary Dr./Dentist stuff coming up.  Or when my son was supposed to be in town.

At least a few times a week I was afraid I would find her dead in the morning, or when I came home from work.  I started putting stuff off.  "Well I will take care of that after Britty goes".

Then I could not get her meds refilled unless I took her in.  Did not want to.  I was afraid he would recommend putting her down.  But I could not run out of her meds, so off we went. 

Much to my surprise and relief, the vet  (Dr. L....apparently Dr. H. no longer works there, too bad, I liked him.) said he thought she was doing pretty good, and that I was doing a good job taking care of her.  He thought much of her problem was caused by E. Cuniculi.  I had gradually been thinking that also.  When she started having trouble walking, it seemed like arthritis to me.  When she suddenly got cataracts, that seems odd, I was concerned about infection.  When we saw Dr. H a few weeks later, he just said yes, cataracts can come on very suddenly like that.  It was not until several months or so later when I heard sudden cateracts can be a sign of E. Cuniculi, I started wondering. Looking back I wish he had suggested treating her for that then.  Her walking and eye sight may not have improved, but maybe treatment could have kept her from getting any worse.  Ok, back to the visit with Dr. L in July.  He said her weight has not changed much in the past 13 months.  She was alert, did not seem to be in any pain and her skin looked pretty good.  Said rabbits like this can go on for quite some time, as long as they are still eating and seem comfortable.  The thing that often leads to having to put them down is skin infection.  He refilled her pain meds. to keep her comfortable, and her sub q. fluids, which she had been totally out of for a few months.  Good visit.

After the visit I relaxed a bit.  Worried a bit less about finding her dead any time soon.  But still she had her good days and bad.  I was giving her almost 3 times the pellets I was giving her 5 years ago, just to try and keep her weight up.  Of course she was so full from the pellets, she barely ate any hay, but I felt like I had to, she needed the calories.  Her digestive system seemed to be doing pretty well.  My biggest worry was she did not drink enough water.  I was afraid her kidneys were going, both her age, and e. cuniculi make that likely.  For a long time I would pick her up several times a day and try and get her to pee.  She would lift her tail and shoot it away from her then she did not have to sit in it so much.  Then she got to the point, she was not lifting her tail.  Lack of strength or lack of muscle control?  I tried to lift it for her and she got all squirmy.  I was like "relax, this should not be hurting you".  Found out some time, later I think I broke her tail.  Felt horrible!!  I was not pulling hard, just trying to help her keep dry.  When I had first started bathing her, most of the fur on her tail had come off.  I think it was from being soaked in pee too long.  It grew back, then she stopped lifting it and was dribbling more, less shooting away from her, harder to keep her clean and dry.  She does not like being cleaned off.  I do a good job once a week, with a butt bath, and just a quick wipe down on other days.  Sometimes when I am holding her in one hand to clean her with the other, she acts like she is having a hard time breathing.  Is it stress or for real?  Don't know but she stops it when we are done. 
  
Then we are back to the "if you feel the need to go, it is ok, I will be sad, but I don't want you to stay just for me.  But could you do it on a weekend please?"  She has always been so polite.  Then it was Oct.  OK, please don't go on my birthday.  Please don't go when I go to Disneyland that week.  

She was still eating good.  (not much hay, but everything else good.)  So the first day that she didn't was right after the time change.  They had always gotten their pellets about 11:30 pm, just before I went to bed.  But as she got thinner and weaker I gave her a small hand full of pellets many times a day.  The vet had said as much as she wanted.  So the morning after the time change I get up and see most of her pellets were still there.  I was only a little concerned because at 11:30 on her biological clock it was 12:30, time to sleep and she had been snacking on pellets all evening.  She did a little better each day that week.  Figured she was adjusting to the time change, as was I.  

Then a week later I was going to go to San Diego to get supplies for her.  Mostly I don't go that far, but there is one type of pellet I have been unable to get locally any more.  It was suggested to give to older buns that have trouble keeping their weight up.  I was totally out, so was giving the other 2 good types of pellets for a day now.  I asked her, hey, if you are thinking of going any time soon now, please go before I drive down there and stock up.  But she seemed pretty normal Nov. 11, so off I went.

I really wanted to say please don't go until I get the DMV stuff sorted out. And she may have waited, she is so polite.  But I did not ask, I thought she is getting weaker, even if I don't end it for her, I have to quit asking her to stay. She has waited this long, what are the odds she would pick then to go, really?

Wednesday, Nov. 14 I come home and do a quick peek to see if she is still alive.  She was. I had to do something quick on the computer, so go do that.  Then I get distracted and spend the next hr. or so doing stuff that could have waited.  So by the time I go out to take care of her it was about 6:00 pm.  I can tell she is not good.  Way weaker.  Do I pack her in the car and try and get to her vets before they close at 7:00 and have her put to sleep?  I don't think there is that much that they can do for her at this point.  I have already questioned if her quality of life is decent or not, if she is really getting that much worse, maybe prolonging it is not the best thing, much as I want to.  It is not supposed to be about me and how hard that is.  I am only supposed to be doing what is best for her.  But it is like I can't really see or think correctly near the end.  I rationalize and wear blinders and never feel like I am doing right.  I wanted to give her a last bath before she went to the vets (dead or alive)  Both to lessen my embarrassment at not being a better Mom and to give her some dignity. Also if I did do it, I wanted it to be her vet.  Not someone that does not really know rabbits that might not give her the right dose.  And at 6:00, traffic is probably still bad, would I even make it there by 7:00 if I skipped the bath?  Remember she has been bad before, and gotten better, and I have blinders on and can't think straight.  Would it be more stressful for her to be taken in (1/2 hr. with normal traffic), or to go on her own here.  It seems like most good pet parents put their pets, to sleep.  Is it always the best solution?  There is a difference between "I really feel like crap".  and "I am in a lot of pain".  I got that she felt like crap, but I did not see a lot of pain.  But could well be wrong.

I don't take her.  Wish I had checked earlier, but I did not.  Guilty about that too. I don't want to move her too much, hoping if this was the time, she would just go to sleep and not wake up.  She did seem like she really wanted to just sleep.

But a while later I decide to try some sub cue fluids.  It might help her, or at least make her feel a bit better.  How can I do nothing?  I don't want to move her to the bathroom where I usually do it, and there is not much room for me to sit behind her like I usually do.  I am thinking she is so weak now, maybe she won't move.  There was only 1 unit left in the bag, which annoyed me.  Seems like there should have been about 1 1/2 units more.  I had it shut as tight as I could shut it, but it seems like some may have still managed to leak out. So I put the needle in, it feels like it is in ok, don't feel any liquid leaking out, and I leave the room for a while.  Idiot.  When I go check, either I was wrong about it being in right, or she did move, cause she is wet from it leaking out on her.  Pissed at myself.  I wasted it, and she might have benefited some from getting it under her skin, not on top of it.  Dry her off as best as I can without moving her.

A bit latter, I wrap her up in a towel to hold her while I watch t.v.  Usually I put her next to me, and even yesterday she seemed happy about that.  But now, I want to hold her.  I pick her up lots, but normally, except during bath time, I don't hold her a lot.  She did not hate it, but unlike Smokey, certainly did not crave it either, so it seemed to me.  But feel the need now, hoping maybe she would just slip away while I was holding her and petting her and telling her how much I loved her.

But when I am holding her, she seems like she is having trouble breathing.  It might be something about the position, I don't usually see that when she is lying down, so after a bit I put her down in her usual "lets watch t.v." spot.  She is weak, and wants to sleep.  But I do get her to eat a few bites.  Just in case this is not the end, don't want her to stop eating.

So it is time for bed, but she just wants to sleep.  So I decide to leave her where she is instead of putting her in her regular sleeping spot with her usual salad and pellets. She seems comfortable, just weak and sleepy.  So I cover her up to stay warm, kiss her goodnight, knowing she may not make it through the night.

Thursday Nov. 15.  I get up afraid of what I will find.  I hate that feeling of waking up with that horrible ache of dread in the stomach, (more than my ususal have to go to work dread). Will she be gone, or even worse, suffering and I damn better do something about it, no matter how much it kills me.  I go check and she is still alive.  She perks up a bit, and I give her a little food, so seems like she is weak, but has not totally given up yet.  I hate my job, but I am a good reliable employee and I already know I am calling in sick the next day to go to the DMV.  Feeling guilty about that, but I have to go.  I want to stay home with her.  But I would really feel guilty calling in 2 days in a row, when I am not really sick.  But I have not decided for sure I was taking her in, and if I had stayed home every day she did not seem great, I would have been home a lot.  So I set her up in her usual while I am at work spot, with some pellets, just in case, and guiltily go off to my crummy job (that I need).

I come right home after work, get to her a little before 5:00 pm, and she is gone.  Tried to tell by how she felt how long it had been.  I am no expert.  My guess was not all day, but probably at least an hr.  I hope she was not waiting for me.  I got home as soon as I could.  She was going to be cremated.  But have to take her to the vets for pick up for that.  I don't think I can give her her last bath and get her there at this time before they close. And I don't want to rush it.  

I am already a nervous wreck about going back to the DMV tomorrow for another eye test. I have been practicing reading stuff from across the room with my right eye.

NOOOOO! Not now! I can't even give her a bath and take her in the next morning, even calling in sick, cause I have a 9:20 DMV appt. and I have to go!

So I talk to her and pet her a little, and ask her to forgive me for not doing better. I put her in the refrigerator. Then that evening at t.v. time I do the Norman Bates thing and take her out to lay next to me, like I have done soooooo many times before she died. I arrange her like she was sleeping and cover her up except for her head, and pet her a while.

I guess I thought/hoped it might be easier this time because I had known it was coming on and off for a long time. Certainly not the best Mom, but an ok Mom most of the time I think. I thought I would beat myself up less this time. But no. Maybe that is part of the process for me.