Grandma's Chevy

                 7/1/2021 --- I sold my Grandma's car today.  

In 1988 my Grandfather bought my Grandmother her last new car, for her birthday.  I think it was for her 85th.  It was a blue Chevy Celebrity.  She only drove it to church and the store and out to dinner.  Once in a while one of her younger friends would take it on a little road trip "to give it a good run".  I think she quit driving in 1994 or there  about.    She really wanted me to have this car.  It is a good car and its paid for, it would be good for you.  Yes, but Grandma, I really love my Honda.  So I got the car in 1995, drove it over from Arizona with my Grandma.  She died a few months later.  So then I had 2 cars.  My Honda lived in my little driveway.  The Chevy lived on the street.   Except for the 2 street sweeping days a month, where I crammed it into my driveway, so I could not forget. Then if it was a work day I would drive it to work.

It was a good car, but it felt big and awkward compared to my Honda.  I always thought of it as Grandma's car, and at that time, I was not a Grandma.  It was nice to have a back up car if my car was in the shop or having any issues.  But otherwise, I only drove it a few times a month.  Enough to keep it going.  Maybe a little more sometimes, but not enough.  My Honda I serviced regularly about every 7,500 miles.  The Chevy, not so much.  It would take SO long to get another 7,500 miles on it, and most of the maintenance money went to the car I drove the most, my Honda.  Yeah, I did a little maintenance on it, but not enough.  At least the oil got changed. 

 The tires needed replaced from age long before they wore out. I always bought my tires 2 at a time from Discount tires.  A few years ago I started letting them put the air in my tires most of the time instead of doing it myself.  Felt pretty lazy about it, but they do all 4 faster than I do 1.  They often mention my tires are getting old, I should think about getting them replaced, it does not matter that the tread is fine, they are probably rotting from the inside.  I would put it off, it hurts to replace something that looks fine.  2 years ago they pointed out how bad the 2 oldest looked and I replaced them, but decided to wait on the other 2. Maybe I will sell it and the new person will want something fancy.  

 I would occasionally forget street sweeping and get a ticket, or someone visiting would get one.  It has been a while, but they were not cheap then and are probably a lot more now.  Even now, if I know my car is not in the street there is a feeling of panic when I hear the sweeper coming.

It ran pretty good most of the time.  One annoying thing it did was to randomly die when going slow.  Mostly it would happen at a light, or stop sign or in a parking lot.  Just turn it off and turn it back on.  Annoying, but not dangerous.  But a couple times it happened making a turn in traffic, and with power steering it was scary so I was often a little nervous about driving it.  One time after it did that in traffic I took it right into a shop.  They could not figure out what it was, they had it forever, replaced a lot of stuff.  Since I had another car I was very patient for a long time.  They would say they think it is this, but we are having trouble getting the part.  Then no, we think it is this.  This went on for many months!!!  They ended up not fixing the issue, and not charging me for what they had done, and I had it towed elsewhere.  They determined it was a wiring problem, and fixed that, then said it was also a fuel injector issue and fixed that.  It was better for a while, then slowly the occasional random dying started happening again.  Some time after that it started happening more again, plus it needed something else.  Took it to another shop and they cleaned out and replaced a few fuel injectors.  It was better for a while and then it would start happening again.  But sometime after that I started using a fuel injector cleaner occasionally.  It did not solve the problem but I think it slowed its progression.

The car was kinda a silver ice blue from 1988 until 2005.  It was looking pretty dull and I wanted a change  I picked Porsha Red.  It was different, plus red was my Grandfather's favorite color.  It came out a little oranger than I expected, I was hoping for closer to fire engine red.  But it looked good.  I started keeping it covered most of the time at home.  But covers are not cheap and don't last long. Every tiny little mark on it I went out with the little touch up paint they gave me and went over it.  But it did not dab on well, it went on goopy, kinda like fingernail polish.  May have protected from rust, but didn't look great.  Then I started buying the touch up sticks from auto stores.  Again not great.  Maybe I didn't sand it enough first, maybe it was not clean enough, it often seemed like as I moved the applicator, the paint moved with it and did not stay where I wanted it.  Eventually I gave up and didn't do much, didn't want to make things worse.  I was covering it less, mostly just after I washed it, for a while.  Even after the covers started falling apart I would sometimes put  them on.  I thought maybe being 3/4 covered was better than not at all....at least keep some of the bird doo off it.

The car sits a little low.  If you hit a dip or a bump at more than 2 mph you scrape.  My neighborhood has a few dips and the world's biggest speed bumps.  Then I started thinking I should get new front shocks, cause that just made it worse.  I got one estimate, years ago and it seemed like a lot.  More than I wanted to spend at the time.  

Every once in a while I would think maybe I should sell it.  I am not driving it enough.  It needs some work.  Let it go to someone who is going to drive it more and keep up with what it needs better.  The thought of trying to sell it would fill me with dread.  I would have to sell it myself, cause it is old, a business might give me a little for it, but would probably just junk it.  I did not want that to happen.  I have not sold a car to a person in over 30 years.  Craigslist scared me.  I know it is popular but you also hear bad stories about people using it.  I don't carry a phone around.  I don't text.  I am not an early riser. People don't know how to leave a phone message, and wait for a response, plus I hate having to answer the phone all the time, and return calls if they do.  Kept putting off selling it.  Plus every time there was an issue with the Honda, I was so happy to have the Chevy.  How would I get to work otherwise?  Buses no long run in my neighborhood.  No friends or family close by.  I don't uber.  It was only 5 miles, by freeway, but by side streets maybe further, with some big hills and to get there by 8:30........I could not do it!  Time went on and I retired and really thought I should sell.  I don't have to have a backup car now.  

So 5 months after I retired I washed and vacuumed it, AmourAlled it and put signs in the windows. I had looked up the value on line.  Most sites did not go back that far.  One site that did had the high low and medium prices.  I felt it was closest to medium, but since the mileage was super low, it should be worth a little more than medium, so I put $1450. on it.  My house is not in a high traffic area, but some people in my neighborhood saw it, and I started driving it more, and people sometimes asked about it.  A guy down the street seemed very interested, he came and test drove it. He mostly wanted it as a second car to haul around kids in.  (there goes the almost perfect interior....darn).....but at least he said he could do most repairs himself.  Big Plus.  He wanted to think about it.  A friend of his came and looked at it and pointed out a few things, some I had forgotten about.  Like the loose tail light from when someone backed out of my neighbors and hit it.  I had forgotten that.  I didn't know how to fix it, and the light still worked.  I just pushed it back in every time I walked behind it.  (update-last week I attempted to glue it back in.  Not positive if it worked or not....didn't want to touch it till was 100% dry, really hoping it worked).

So I don't hear back from that neighbor, give up on him.  Two weeks after I put the signs up, we went on pandemic lock down for covid!  Not the best time to sell.  After a month I took the signs down and thought I would try again later.  Months later that same neighbor came back with a young co-worker.  We just did a short test drive.  He seemed interested.  I told him to think about it and let me know.   Months went by.  Then he came back said he still wanted it, but didn't have the money.  I had gone down to $1200. for him.  Said he was saving up.  I told him I would hold it for him until January.  The end of Jan. comes, still no word from him, I am thinking I better start trying to sell it again.  But still dreading it.  Also super annoyed that no matter how much I ask, everyone expects me to come down.  Sometimes that is the very first thing they say...it is even worse when it is the first thing.  Later on seems more like a negotiation.  I don't like it, but kinda get it.  Asking first thing just sounds super rude.    $1200. for a car that runs and has very low mileage seems like nothing!  If you don't have that, how will you do the work it needs and keep up with maintenance?  Spend a little getting it in shape, then maintenance and NO car payments! He seemed like a nice kid, but....

It is not old enough to be a highly sought after classic car.  But maybe it will be someday.  My ideal buyer was someone that could do most of the work himself.  Get it back into mint condition and keep it that way.  Hopefully I would see it around town occasionally, looking good.  Maybe someday at a car show, all painted and shiney and looking good.  Not go to someone just looking for a cheap car.

Taken before I "helped" the chipped paint.

                                    Then a few months ago when I was looking at some of the chipped places and seeing they were starting to rust I thought I better do something.  I hated the idea of doing anything that would make it look worse, but  I thought I should at least try and do something to keep the rust from getting worse.  I watched a lot of videos on what to get, what to do, how to, read reviews on products, etc.  Went around to various auto supply stores gathering materials.  First I sanded down all the rust spots I could find.  (this week I found a couple inside the trunk I did not know about at the time, made a mental note to do something about them sometime soon).  Washed and rinsed the spots and let dry.  Then I put this rust treatment on them that goes on white and turns black.  It said make sure you wipe any extra right away.  I had a bucket and damp sponge I kept using.  I thought I was doing an ok job.  Then let dry well.  The next day I went out and there are lots of black drip lines!  Looked awful!  Either a damp sponge was totally the wrong thing to clean them up with or there was a lot of moisture in the air that night.  Rain had not been expected, but did it mist a little?  I don't know.  Then you were supposed to put primer over the spots.  I also thought maybe I should put the primer over any little chip or scratch that were not yet rusting to help keep it from rusting. So I sanded them down a little also before the primer.  I hate the look of primer, and none of the limited colors it comes it looked good with red.  But the rust colored primer said it had extra rust fighting properties.  So I got that one and put it on everyplace that I found without red paint.  Ok, now I did something to help protect it.  But it looks horrible!  Instead of 0.5% rust, it now looks like 5% rust.  I am horrible at spray painting, plus although it is mostly on the hood, there is some scattered in many places, I knew I would get it everywhere if I tried to spay paint those spots.  But I hated looking at all the brown/black areas now.  I just took some cheap craft paint I had that came the closest to matching and went over it with that.  I knew it would not last, but it looked a little better than without it.

Also the 33 year old rubber around the windows was all cracked.  I just found out a couple days ago that is something I could have done myself if I could have found the right parts for it.  I had no idea until I ran across a video that it could be way easier than I thought.  Wish I had seen that years ago.  Spent 1/2 hr. looking for the right part on line, with no luck.  But maybe if I keep looking I will find it.  Also the weather stripping around the door is coming loose and has a few tears.  I had tried to glue that back, but it didn't stay.  I later learned on line that if I had taken it all out cleaned the rubber and cleaned the area underneath and bought a special glue, it might have been okey at least for a few years.  But between the loose rubber and the bad rubber a little water would get in when you washed it or it rained, so I would tell people they needed to fix that soon.  One day I noticed a tiny drip coming from the ceiling near the mirror.  So I put silicone sealant all around the windshield.  Hopefully it stopped it, but haven't had a lot of rain since.  

So March I start getting ready to get it smogged and up for sale again.  My routine is: first I put some of that cleaner, (Sea Foam is the one my mechanic says he likes), in the gas tank, and also in with the oil.  Then I drive it for a week then change the oil.  Then I get some good freeway driving in, try to help burn off built up crud, then do the smog test.  During that week instead of cramming it in the driveway for the street sweeper I decided to go drive it around the neighborhood.  I need to drive it more now anyway.  I am a mile from home and pull into a park and it dies and won't restart.  I have nothing with me, I was only going around the neighborhood for a few minutes.  I thought it was the battery.  I had a really good Sears battery in it, but it was 9 years old and had hesitated a few times.  I would normally run down to Sears and have it checked.  But the local Sears store closed, the next closest is 30 miles away.  So I thought I would just do the AAA battery service, it is supposed to be pretty good.  So I walk home, uphill in the rain to call AAA, grab my purse and go back.  The AAA guy was nice, but he looks 12.  He can't get it started enough to even test it and the alternator.  I then realize it is an unusual battery, and the terminals are on the side.  He said even if he does manage to get it started enough to test it, he does not have that battery!  So I contact AAA again and get towed to a local shop.  The battery they find is way more than the Sears one was with a way shorter warranty, but gotta have one, now!   Ok.  Then he says they smelled gas, and find it in the air filter canister.  That means the fuel pressure regulator has blown.  Unfortunately it is hard to get to so there is a lot of labor.  Now we are up to $800 something and it won't be done till tomorrow.  So they give me a ride home and back and I pick it up.  I didn't want to give them more money, so I went to a cheap oil change place a few days later to get that done, then go do some freeway driving, just to run it. I head for Del Mar 20 miles away.  The furthest I feel comfortable driving right now.  Traffic is bad.  Not getting the freeway speed I want, but it is something.  Half way there the check engine light comes on for 2 secs. and goes off. That is not something it usually does.  Nervous but trying not to panic.  Maybe there is some some of recheck thing going on after the recent service.  Hoping maybe the part they replaced contributed to its issues, and with a new one it will be better.  So walk around a bit, little bit of shopping and head back.  Make a few stops, traffic is better, getting in some decent running, no check engine light.  Get home ok.  Make 2 more 20 mile freeway trips in the next couple days, and go to the smog place. 

 It has been passing for 25 years or so, but it is old, and not driven enough, so I always get a little nervous.  I have been going to the same test only station for a while now.   For the old cars it costs more to smog, they do a lot more tests, and I sit and try not to worry.  It fails 2 of the things they test!  Sad and upset.  He gives me a list of certified test and repair places in the area.  There were not a lot of places on the list.  I go talk to 2 of them after I leave.  No, they can't even look at it then, and expect for them to have it a while.  Then I go home and read reviews.  Make an appt. for place in Carlsbad I had never been to before.  I go in the morning thinking maybe I could at least wait there until they had a diagnosis.  No.  They didn't want that.  How far did I live?  About 7 miles.  We will take you home.  I think that was a Thursday.  I wait all day Friday to hear something.  I call Sat. and am told they don't know yet, but they should know something Monday.  Monday they call and say it needs 2 sensors and a catalytic converter, and it might need more, they won't know until they get those parts in it, but so far it is at just over $1600!  Should we proceed?  Nooooooooo!  What do I do now?  I can't just leave it there.  It probably says that in the paper I sign.  I can't sell it without a smog.  I can't sell it for that much.  I don't want to junk it.  Donate it?  I don't know what to do!!!  He is waiting for an answer.  Its been there 4 days.  Registration is due in a few weeks.  I say do it.  Then every day I wait to hear more.  He calls Thursday afternoon, that it is done and it has passed and the price was the same as Monday!  Good!  But they are too busy to come get me, maybe tomorrow if you can't make other arrangements.  The next morning I walk to the closest bus stop, maybe 3 miles.  It takes me an hour.  Then wait for the bus that goes about 1/2 mile from the shop, then walk that part and get it.  

Ok, that is done.  Now can I sell it before registration is due?  No, I could not. I know I can't get back the almost $2600. I put into it recently.    But I change the signs to $1600.  I know, a little high, but I know whatever I ask they will ask me to come down, so I will start there.  I decide to keep the signs up even after I pay registration , or I would be in this same place next year.  I get a little interest. First week in June I put it on Craigslist.  First day I get a call and an e.mail.  The e.mail guy offers me $1200.  I say, not now, lets see how things go with my brand new ad.  But I am annoyed.  Some guy from the neighboor hood comes by.  He does not speak much English, so his daughter  is translating.  Apparently he used to do some work himself, but now has a mechanic do it.  (Not what I was hoping for, plus I kept good record's...all English, that he won't be reading).  Said he wants his mechanic to come see it.  But he never does.  I am as honest as I can be with everyone.  I don't want to rip someone off, or have them hate that they bought it.  But I really think with some tlc this would be a really great car again.

Then this guy K. from Craigslist e-mails me, and does not mention asking me to sell it for less.  He is very polite.  Says he is in San Diego.  I say I am not sure it would make it that far.  Says he is a machinist and knows his way around cars will have it running good in no time.  He has cash and is very interested.  He sounded good, we set up a day and time to meet in a few days.  Friday I took it to the car wash, vacumed it, AmourAlled it for what I was hoping would be the last time.  The meeting place was about 6.5 miles away.  I was going to leave 30 min. early.  Thought that was excessive.  Left 20, but traffic was horrible and it took 24.  Felt bad, but...not that late, oh well.  I have had days to practice trying to remember what I want to tell him.  I am nervous about the whole thing and babbling.  I tell him the whole story about the paint (the picture I posted was before I "tried to help it"), so it looks worse.  I go to show him the loose light when the trunk was open.  I didn't know it, but apparently the trunk helps hold it on.  So instead of coming out 1 inch, it comes way out!  We are both shocked.  He tells me these cars are not considered that desirable, on that site the average one was worth $1200.  I told him I know, but thought with the super low milage it was worth a little more.  I could go $1500, but I have put a lot more than that into it this year.  He said he did not want to insult me by offering me $1000. but it is not worth $1500. to him.  I am very sad.  I really wanted him to have it.  Am I totally blinded by my sentimental attachment to Grandma's car (and the car I have had for 26 years)?  Is it less good than average?  Does that super low milage (under 43,000) not up the value that much?  I don't know anything, just sad and stressed about it all.  

The next day I lowered the price in the ad and on the signs to $1500.  Decided if it did not sell in the next week or so until my ad ran out, I would not renew the ad, and would take the signs down and take a break from trying to sell it.  I would go replace the two old tires and see if I can at least find the rubber I need to fix the rubber around the windows.  I seldom used the air conditioner, just put the windows down.  But some years ago a belt broke.  The mobile mechanic asked me if I used the air much.  I said no.  He said it would be easier and cheaper to just bypass the air conditioner with a new belt.  Didn't know what that meant, but I know someone could not even attempt to make the air conditioner work without putting in a new belt for starters.  Not a big deal for me, but I guess it is for others.  Plus the rubber around the windows was so brittle it no longer held the windows firmly in place.  They rattled so loud if they were half way down they sounded like they would break, so I only put them down a little.  So if I got new rubber in that would be better, and with the new tires would not have to worry about them going out on their way home.  I would still go for $1500, even though I would be out more money and not exactly clearing $1500..  I would have use of it a little longer, and it may be more desirable to people.  So I had a plan if it didn't sell soon.

Then Thursday morning there is a knock on the door.  Luckily I was up and dressed (not a early starter).  It is two men.  One looks like a scary homeless meth head, I think I have seen him around.  The other is the basic older man.  We hear you have a car for sale, my Pops here is interested.  I think he says his brother blew up Pops last car.  Oh shit!  Meth head, plus brother that blew up Dads car, and Dad.....who is VERY old!  Not sure just what blew it up means, but I know it is bad.  Not what I was looking for.  Dad  (Mr. C.) has money in his pocket and starts doing that old person thing where they immediately start telling their life story. He just turned 85. He has lived on the street behind me since 1970.  They had 5 kids, 2 of the boys still live there with him.  He was married 43 years.  Forgot how many years ago wife died, but she was 67 and they were on the way to Vegas when she had a heart attack, paramedics got her to the hospital and they worked on her 2 hours but could not save her.  He worked for the gas and electric company for a lot of (xx?) years.  He didn't use the word lump sum, but said they offered him a bunch of money when he retired then getting a reduced amount later?  Sounds like lump sum, but that money has been gone 19 years and he is still living, and just getting social security now.  Not sure if that was just talking or hoping I would take less.  He offered me $1000.  I said no, I had been offered $1200. and didn't want to take that.  I told him I had put a lot into it this year and was hoping to get back a chunk. He said it was just what he was looking for.  Something to get him to the store and to the place where he plays cards.  That was how he had the money now, he had won some money playing.  I was trying to discourage him.  I kept telling him what all it needed.  If he can't do the work himself, it will add up fast.  Well, when my other son is not working, he can do a lot of it.  (is that the one that blew up the last one?)  

We just went around the block for the test drive.  (dropped off meth head 1 on the way).  Mr. C. was very nice, but....he had a real hard time trying to get the door unlocked, the windows open, the car in gear.  He sounded like he was doing good for 85, but should he even still be driving?  He only had 2 tickets in his whole life. I told him some of the issues the car had is because it isn't driven enough.  I told him to go home and think about it.  (hoping someone else would buy it quick....some mechanic  maybe).  No, it is what I want, and I have the money right here.  He was very nice.  But I am thinking, no, you are too old and I don't want your meth head kids or neighbors anywhere near my car!  But I could not say that.  I told him it did not pass the first smog, but passed April 1.  That he would need to have a smog cert. that is within 90 days.  If they go from the first to the first, July 1 should be 90 days and may be fine. If they really count every day, it would be the 91 and would need a new one.  He should go right over there and try hoping it will go through that day, cause I knew it would not the next day.  I did not want to sell it to him, but what could I say?  Do people really say "I don't think you are right for my car, you can't have it"? He hands me 15 $100. bills and tells me to count them.  I was glad to be getting some of what I spent on it back.  But it is not just about the money.  It is about valuing the car, and taking good care of it.  That is probably just as important to me.  

I ran in and got the paperwork.  I had most of its records since 1995 all ready in a box and the owner's manual, etc.  He said this was way more than he thought he would get, it was all good to have.  He seemed delighted.  Me....not so much.  We signed the title, and I wished him good luck.  That was 2 days ago. I have not seen it since.  I started to walk away, when I thought I heard it die.  I looked back and he was turning it around instead of just going straight back to his house.  From where I live I don't usually see it when I drive the other car someplace.  But it is not possible to  walk around the block without going past his house, so I will see it soon.  I would have felt good about it if K.  had bought it.  But I just don't feel real good about this.  I keep telling myself to let it go.  But.....maybe after a few walks by and seeing it look ok, and seeing him driving around town (without the meth heads), I will start to feel better.  But not there yet.  Not even ready to walk by yet.  I certainly was not trying to rip anyone off.  Hoping it does not seem like that to anyone he tells about it.  Does he need the money more than me?  I don't know.  His house should be paid for.  His expenses should be low.  His "boys" should be paying the utilities and helping with food.  But are they?  Meth head 1 did not look like he could hold down a full time job.  Not sure about the other one.   

That night I went to the DMV website and did the transfer of liability to Mr. C.  42,828 miles. It could still have a lot of miles left in it.   Today I went to Craigslist and just put "update: sold".  I think the ad runs out in 3 days or so.  Will call my insurance co. maybe Tuesday (holiday weekend).   

Feels like the end of an era.  An unsatisfying  ending to a 26 year long movie.  I get a little jolt everytime I look out front and don't see it.  I called a friend and told her the story.  She kept saying it is a wonderful car for him, he would never be able to learn all a new car's bells and whistles, so this is perfect for him, let it go.  Trying.

How Other Countries Fight Fat

How Other Countries Fight Fat: While many governments struggle to keep their citizens nourished, the leaders of wealthy nations are trying to get theirs to eat less. In Japan, health officials check the waistlines of citizens over 40, and those considered too fat undergo diet counseling. Failure to slim down can lead to fines. New Zealand has rules barring people In Great Britain—where 60% of men and 50% of women are expected to be obese by mid-century—r esidents of some cities are being recruited to wear electronic tracking tags to calculate how much they move each day and how many calories they burn. Daily exercisers will be rewarded with store coupons and even days off from work. Britain’s National Health Service is paying for at least 30,000 people to take weight-loss classes.

Germany plans to spend $47 million on healthy-eating and sports programs and to set tougher nutritional standards for school lunches. The government also is asking candy makers to stop targeting young children and encouraging software companies to develop games that force players to move.

— Lyric Wallwork Winik

Would some form of this work in America?  I think it would have to work by incentive only?

Safe Breast Health Monitoring: Thermal Imaging Shows What Mammograms Can’t See

Safe Breast Health Monitoring: Thermal Imaging Shows What Mammograms Can’t See: Breast cancer has touched the lives of nearly every woman in America.

Wildlife Wipeout: Wind Turbines Kill Winged Creatures

Wildlife Wipeout: Wind Turbines Kill Winged Creatures: More than a million birds and bats are killed annually by wind turbines, but fatalities are cut if the turbines are located offshore and are turned off during low wind speeds.

Read this a few years ago and it stuck with me.  I want to love the idea of wind power, but.....have they improved this?  Not sure.

 October 20, 2020                                    Friendship

I think the older you get the harder it is to make friends.  Maybe until you get really old and every old person is suddenly your friend.  For me its hard.  I cherish the friends I do have.  But I also am not a people person, so it is hard for me to be around people very much.  I can be annoying and am usually unaware I am being annoying.  I need to be around people occasionally for mental health, but for me it is hard work and exhausting.  Of course some more than others.  I will look forward to getting together with friends, and enjoy it (at least before covid, I have only gotten together with friends once since lockdown, and that was earlier this month)!

Some are much better at working at maintaining friendships than I am.  Some I have lost because they did not care enough to maintain them, and it takes two.  A couple have died, and the older I get the more that will happen.

One good friend, maybe my best friend lives 395 miles away and for years I would see her one day a year.  One long, fun filled day.  Than the last few years, I have seen her a couple times a year.  I last saw her in March, just before the covid lockdown.  We had no idea things would get so drastic and bad with it.  We have communicated a little since then.  We were even planning a trip for this week.  We have managed 3 trips in the past.  It has been fun, but she is all about the destination and I want to enjoy the journey, so there has been some conflict, but it was worth it, and we got over it. But somewhere in the online  discussion this time, she seemed to get mad at me, and basically said forget it, not the right time.  Her plan had been to come over to CA and visit her daughter who is currently living about 18 miles south of me.  Then pick me up and head north for a little trip.  Usually when she comes to visit her daughter I am invited to go do something with them, or at least join them for dinner.  This time I thought maybe even if I was invited, I would say, well, since we will have the next 6 days together, you just enjoy your Mommie and me time this time.  But even after the trip was cancelled, I was not invited.  I kept thinking maybe she would contact me and ask to get together, but no.  

Last I heard, she was driving over Sat. and driving back Mon.  So even then I thought I might hear, hey I decided to stay another day and my daughter is back at work, do you want to do something?  I would have said sure what would you like to do?  And if she had no suggestions, I might have suggested Julian again.  I have mentioned it many times, and we have never gone.  I love Julian.  But going when it is hot is not the best time, you want crisp air.  Yesterday might have been ok.  I don't know how many of the businesses survived covid.  It has been so hard, and they are little and often struggle, so she may not have gotten the full Julian experience, but so wanted to someday share it with her.  But no call or message, figured she just headed home. Neither of us said anything terrible.  Nothing that really requires an apology or that can't just blow over, so although I was kinda sad and hurt she did not want to see me this trip.  I was like, ok, it is a short trip, she needs a break from me and wants to just hang with her daughter.  Give her some time, and she will get over it and be ok again.

Then last night a post shows up from her on FB, at the Julian Pie Company.  It felt like a big slap in the face.  Like take that!  You pissed me off, so I will just go without you!  A year ago her daughter had never heard of Julian, and doesn't eat that stuff, so if she went with her I am super sad, and mad, and hurt about it.  If she took a little detour on her way home and went alone, I am slightly less upset, but still.  I feel like I lost my best friend. 

End of Year Thoughts

12/31/18

So another year comes to an end.  Did it go like I thought it would?   Here is some of what I thought would happen vs what did happen.

I thought I would sell both old cars and get one a bit newer.  Did not happen.  It seemed too overwhelming to even start.  I don't carry a cell or text, and people expect instant contact.  Even if I can get them to call my house phone, then it is returning all the calls, talking to them, meeting them, etc.  I want them both to go to good homes.  I like my 1988 Chevy, but mostly because it was my Grandma's.   I LOVE my 1990 Honda Civic Wagon.  She is my baby and it makes me so sad to even think about selling her.  But she has had a few issues, and lots of miles.  I am not a mechanic and don't have one volunteering to take good care of her.  It makes good sense to have 1 good, reliable, lower mileage car when I get to retire.  I won't need a back up car then to make sure I get to work.  But I also want one that I could just get in and go wherever with out worrying about it either.  

Well after I registered them both, had to get my monies worth out of that, so put it off for another year.  Now that time is approaching and dreading it. I don't care about the money I get for them so much.  But afraid if I went to a dealer or something like that, yeah, they would give me a few bucks to make the sale, but maybe they would just junk them, and I would hate to have that happen.

I was not crazy about work a year ago.  But little did I know how much worse it was to get this year.  I think a lot of it has to do with the new sup. we got 1 year ago.  Comes in all sweet and nice, then we find she is a total control freak.  Never think "how much worse can it get?"  Apparently A LOT!.

I had hoped to have some of the holes in the walls of my laundry room fixed by now.  And a new connection to put in a laundry tub.  Besides being able to use it for messy jobs, the main thing is to let the washer drain into it, so it does not go all over the floor.  It comes out of the washer faster than my old pipes can handle it.  I have to babysit it and stop and start it when it drains.  It has been going on a long time, and I have missed it too many times.  Sometimes when I am standing right there and am not fast enough.  I want to be able to walk away like a normal person.
What is holding me back from that?  I am embarrassed to have any one in my messy house, even a work man. It makes sense to do the holes in the wall before I do the plumbing connection and put in the laundry tub.  A plumber won't want to fix the holes.  A handyman may not be up to the plumbing.  Maybe that may be simple enough, but....I hate to call people, esp. to come to my house, and who do I call?  I have a knack for picking the wrong one.  So keep putting it off.

I had hoped that would be done by now.  If it went well, after that maybe I could have the same person work on the bathroom.  Assuming handy man type.  New sink, vanity, toilet, floor tile , maybe wall tile, maybe medicine chest and light fixture, maybe shelving..  Can I afford it?  Can I get one person to do a good job on all of it?  Can I get a new, low flush toilet, that does not need to be flushed twice every time I even pee?  I dragged home what is in there now myself about 35 years or so, and my ex and a room mate did most of it.  I could have done most of it, but they volunteered.  How do you get stuff with a handyman?  Do I drag it all home and they install?  Just go pick out and pay and they drag it?  I think I know what floor tile, and maybe vanity, but that is all I know.  Too overwhelming, and the laundry room should be first.

So by now, thought all of the above would have been done.  I actually thought Britty would have gone months earlier.  By now I would have sanitized everything, and adopted a couple of new bunnies, maybe a new cat.  None of that has happened.  First New Years Eve with no bunnies, cats, dogs, ducks....something (besides my turtle) in way longer than I can even remember.  When we were first married, it was a while before we brought my dog, Tobie, over to live with us.  Was that the last?  And then we were probably with her at Christmas.  Has there been any in the last 40 years?  Kinda don't think so.  I think maybe when I was really little.  This is not right.  

It has been 6 1/2 weeks since Britty died.  I have swept and mopped  the floor, but no real sanitizing.  I have not even been able to bring myself to wash her towels yet.  There is one by where I watch t.v.  It is folded in such a way that if I rub it without looking, it feels a little like a bunny ear.  I still do that sometimes when I watch t.v.  I am still making excuses for not having her put to sleep earlier.  She had so many ups and downs I really was not sure till the last couple days that this was most likely going to be it.  I always said if I really thought they were in pain, I would do it.  Well, I did think she was in pain a bit the last month or so.  But I only saw it a few minutes a day, usually when I was doing something, cleaning her or something, not so much when she was just laying around.  Then it seemed more like "I don't feel very well right now", and not "oh, I hurt like hell, please make it stop".  I tell myself towards the end, if I could have made the decision, and 5 min. later walked into her bunny vet and done it, I would have.  But the making the decision and then calling to see if he is in, and making an appt. and driving (avg. of 1/2 hr). to take her in, too much time to think about it and not do it.  I keep trying to justify it.  The truth may be more like when it comes to this I am a big fat coward.  Britty I am sorry I made you go to the very end, and did not help you feel better sooner.  I hope it was not too bad for you.  Mommy loves you so much.  Please forgive me, and thank you for being my bunny for almost 12 years.

What will 2019 bring?  Hopefully I will take care of some of the stuff from above that I failed to take care of in 2018.  Hopefully I will have some furry friends by this time next year.  And hopefully by this time next year......I will be retired!!!!  Can't wait!!! 

Tuesday Nov. 27 after Britty.

Tuesday Nov. 27, I go pick up her ashes.  Glad that part is over at least.  
Now going on without her.  Yes, it is always terribly hard to loose a pet.  I thought this might be a bit easier to accept since I had known it was coming for quite a while.  Smokey went down hill pretty rapidly, but Britty was a much more gradual and longer decline.

It has been 12 years since I have been bunny less.  But then I still had a cat and a bunch of pet ducks.  Now all I have is one turtle.  That's it!  It is like all the life has been sucked out of the house.  I have lived alone and liked it for many years.  Life felt full and busy, now it feels so empty.  

When Andy died (Nov. 2006), my plan was to take a month or so and mourn him.  Then clean and sanitize everything (he had been sick on and off for quite a while).  Then for Christmas I would adopt a pair of buns.  I wanted an already neutered, bonded pair that did remind me too much of Andy.  So that narrowed it down to 1 pair at the Oceanside shelter and 1 pair at the Escondido shelter.  The ones in Escondido had been there longer, so I choose them.  I decided before I ever got there.  I still had to walk past all the cute ones saying "pick me, pick me", to get to their cage.  There was Brittany and Christina.  They had given up.  They looked good.  But kinda like 2 big fat ticks.  They had not had much to do except eat pellets and were a bit pudgy.  They had been been found running loose in Escondido and had been there almost a year.  I decided to make their "birthday" January 2006.  By that, Britty was 2 months away from turning 13.  But I know it could have been a bit more or less either way.  They had each other (sisters) and their pellets, and had little interest in anything else.  

I thought they would be so happy to get out of the shelter, and home with me.  My house is tiny, but for starters they went into a bigger cage before I tried turning them loose.  They had little interest in me.  They did not like the pellets,  carrots, or veggies I served.  They did like the cilantro, and would eat the hay.  Oh, well, they could afford to loose a little weight, they will come around.  

Well, of course they did and after about 2 weeks their personality started to show.  Chrissie was the trouble maker and Britty was the good, polite girl.  Then several years later Smokey came along.  He loved and demanded attention.  I sometimes thought Britty was being short changed on attention because Chrissie and Smokey seemed to need so much.  When Chrisse died, I turned my attention to Smokey and Britty.  When Smokey died, I turned it all to Britty.  So hopefully she felt like she got enough.

I had wondered years ago if maybe Britty had a heart condition.  When it was play time and they all came out to run around, she was always the first to go lay down and rest.  When they had their check up June of 2017 Dr. H. asked if she always breathed that hard.  I did not know.  Well, she lasted longer than both of them, so maybe she was just pacing herself.

This time I feel like I can't go get new buns for Christmas, sad as that feels.  I thought I was going to get some work done in my laundry room and bath room like a year ago at least.  Then I thought after the buns go, I would take a few months and get some work done in the kitchen.  Maybe I would even end up with more room for the bun area, and they would not be in the way or scared when the work was happening.   I am a master procrastinator, and even more so when I have to hire someone.  The laundry room really needs done.  The bathroom I guess could wait, but it has waited many, many years.  And the kitchen!  Well, I can't do all 3 in one year, plus can't wait that long for new buns.  But I feel like I need to at least accomplish some of this work I have been putting off.  With all the time, energy, money, etc. I put into Britty, I started saying, well, I will do that after Britty goes about a lot of things.  I didn't think it would be at the holidays.  Not the best time to look for someone to hire.  I am hoping wanting to adopt new friends will motivate myself to get some stuff done at least the first of the year, and then go adopt.  I thought well maybe I am ready for a new cat, I did not promise myself I would wait any longer for that.  But as bad as the coyotte problems is getting here, I am going to have to try way harder to keep the next cat inside. I don't want to have to worry about it running out while a work man is here.  So waiting on that too.
Christmas is kinda hard when you have no family, but have always had my fur babies.  This is going to be a tough year.

Britty Nov. 17-18.

I have a hard time getting out of bed, again.  Don't have to go to work, or DMV (thankfully).  I don't have to go give Britty her medicine and morning food.  But I still have Britty to deal with, and I don't want to.  This is not how I usually deal with a pets death.  Usually if it happens that morning, I deal with it that day.  If it happens latter, then the next day.  But of all the days for it to happen it was DMV eve.  Now I am just stalling.  I don't want to get up.  I don't feel like doing anything.  I don't want to call the cremation place.  (Circle of Life)  I don't want to sit in Sat. 5 south traffic to take her to Encinitas. 

It was afternoon before I was finally ready to give Britty her last bath.  I used cold water, and did not want to blow dry her too terribly much. (even though the blow drying was the part that she seemed to mind the least) I don't want her to "go bad"  so to speak.  I was horrified to see how skinny she was.  It looked like I did not feed her at all.  Yes I knew she was thin, but not this thin!  She was a lot thinner than last weeks bath.  She had been eating good until pretty recently.  I was ashamed.  I didn't want anyone to see her and see that I "let her get that way".  Did she have cancer and we didn't know it?  When Chrissie had cancer Dr. L. said give her as much as she wants cancer takes so much energy (calories) from them.  He never said he suspected that in Britty, and neither  did I.  It was like she lost half her body weight in two weeks, even eating almost as much as she had been. 

Ok, so I am sad and in shock, but finish the bath and try to dry her.  She just would not dry.  Don't know if it was using cold water, or that she was so cold when we started it or what, but it was taking forever.  Continue the grooming, deciding not to rush it, she could go to the vets tomorrow, what is one more day.  But I had made myself call Circle of Life, in case they didn't answer on a Sunday.  I wanted that all taken care of before I took her to the vets (esp. after the incident with making arrangements for Smokey).  So when I feel she is as well groomed as I can at this time, I put her back in the fridge to stay chilled until t.v. time. 

It was a little harder to watch t.v. with her this time.  Knowing it was to be our last time.  Talked to her and petted her. I kept asking her to please forgive me for not doing better.  Its not like I think she is mad at me.  It is just me feeling like I let her down.  Not sure I would not still be asking her forgiveness if I had put her down.  Nothing feels completely right at the end. Not what I do and not what I don't do.  So sorry sweet girl.

Sunday, Nov. 18.
We drive to the vets in Encinitas and I take her in.  Of course I have not called them.  I hate to make calls, and it is not like she needs an appt.  She is to be picked up the next day, so they can just hold her a day.  Yes,  they were a bit surprised when I show up with her.  They are not sure what to do or say.  Ask if I need a few minutes alone in a room with her.  No, I have done that.  Did I pet her and say goodbye or kiss her just before they took her away?  Kinda hope so, but I am just not sure.  Wanted to get this all written down before I forgot anything, but already feeling fuzzy.  I am barely holding it together, then after I hand her over, a woman standing by over hearing, says she is sorry.  Then I lost it and headed out the door.

I went directly to the Encinitas St. fair.  I had planned to go before loosing Britty, and now though I am certainly not feeling festive, I could really use the distraction.

I go to work the next day. First day getting up with no Britty in the house.   Don't tell anyone.  Don't want to talk about it.  Don't want to hear any of the things people say.  One thing that someone I really like always says (and of course did say when I finally told her a week or so later), is "are you going to get another one?"   I have called her on that before.  My reply is "I hope when your boyfriend dies, you wait a few days before getting another one".  But she seems unable to retain how insensitive that remark is.  First night watching t.v. with no Britty.

I still have the tugs though.  A dozen times a day, I feel this tug to go take care of her.  Her area was kitchen, dining area, family room.  When I am in the other part of the house, reading, watching t.v. in my room, brushing my teeth, I feel the tugs.  Time for Britty's medicine, time to feed Britty, time to go hang out with Britty.  Or when I am someplace else, I should go home now and take care of Britty.  Animals have been my life.  They are why I get up in the morning, and why I come home at night.  Feel like my purpose is gone now.  Sure it would be nice to decide to take a trip and just go.  I would love to go more places without worrying about them and spending lots more money to have them taken care of.  But I can't be without them either.  Traveling would be a sometimes thing.  Not an everyday thing.  Still feeling that all the life has been sucked out of the house feeling, and I do not like it.

DMV- Part 2

Nov. 16, 2018
So I get up, get that kick in the stomach feeling twice.  Britty is dead and I have to go to the DMV.  I am over come with feeling of dread.  I haven't cried about Britty yet, and now afraid if I do, I will have an even harder time at the DMV, so trying to put that off.  First I have to call in sick.  Then get ready and go.  

Arrive about 9:15, for my 9:20 appt.  I don't know if I am going to have to do a driving test or not.  Get in the appt. line.  Only 1 person ahead of me.  He is friendly, says I look familiar.  Yeah, maybe because I was here last month, but did not have my marriage certificate.  Get my number and go sit down and practice reading stuff far away with my right eye.  It is not looking good, even with the new glasses.  But I can't be at the counter before my turn, so I would be closer when it was my turn.  Praying that would be enough.


  They call my name and I go way back by where people are taking tests.  I wonder if this is some flunked the eye test specialist.    I am not mentioning my eye test or the form.  I say I am back to try again to get my Real Id drivers license.  I give him all my verifs. and he spends a long time looking at them, then goes to check with someone else.  They are all legit, but I feel like I am trying to cross a European border with forged documents.  Eventually he comes back and says "everything seems to be in order".  (Good, so I can cross the border now?)  More nervous.  Then I think well maybe he is just new.  Trying to think how to ask without pissing him off.  So come up with "have you worked here long?"  That got him talking.  Apparently he is a temp.  He is trying to get on permanently, but he works a year or so then they send him home, then a while later call him back.  Says they like him, and he is supposed to be here at least for another year.  Ok, making progress.  He does not have the eye charts hanging behind him like many of the other stations, so thinking he may send me to another one for that.  Trying to practice on the closest one while he is checking and checking.  Not feeling optimistic about those charts.

Finally time for the dreaded eye test. He does not send me to another station. At the right side of his, he had one of those machines on the counter. I had been so busy staring at the closest charts, I hadn't paid any attention to it. First I look with no glasses, hoping by some miracle I can keep the dreaded must wear corrective lenses off my license. He tells me to read the top line by the number 1. What I see is several lines at the top, that I think I can read, but they have no numbers, and several tiny little lines at the bottom next to numbers. I think he means the tiny top one in the bottom group that has the numbers, (not the very top one, with no number). So I attempt it. Don't know if I got any right. He says that can't be the top one. I move a bit and everything disappears. I put on my glasses and try again, reading the top line whether it has a number or not (don't remember). I think I get at least several of them right. Then again, and I think I get them all. Not sure if I read 3 or 4 times. I thought it would be like last time. First both eyes, then left, then right. Maybe he did it completely opposite. Anyway, somehow, he then said "ok you passed but with corrective lenses". He printed out another form saying that. Not happy about the lenses, but happy he said I passed. Still felt doubtful though. He has not asked for my eye Dr. referral form and I have not offered it. He says that the computer says I needed a referral, but since I passed he does not think that will be necessary. I don't pull it out and give it to him. I am afraid if I do, he might want to scrutinize my eye test more. But also afraid if I don't it won't really go through until I get it and I will have to come back with it. Decide to cross that bridge if I have to, and do not offer it.

Then he sends me over to get my picture taken. Not thrilled with that. Last month I was more prepared. My hair looked better, and I had a prettier shirt on. But I get in line. She is almost to me, and gets interrupted. Finally gets to me and asks me to put my thumb on the reader. Try a couple times, and nothing. She asks what window I was at, I tell her, but he is not there now. She says his computer is not communicating with hers yet, it must just be taking a while. Please step aside. So I wait. She takes a few more pics. She gets interrupted a lot more. Eventually my guy comes back and while helping someone else notices me standing there and motions me back to him. I tell him what she said. He looks again, and said, oh, it is already in progress in Sacramento, you don't need another picture, you can go now. 

I feel a bit uncertain if it really is all over, but hoping so.  It is really getting busy now.  I was there, with an appt., about 65 minutes.  Not too bad.  Really glad I had that appointment.  
I want to come out of there feeling like the weight of the world is off of my shoulders.  Maybe go celebrate with a bit of shopping and a movie, then come home and hug my bunny.
But instead my sweet bunny is dead and I have to deal with that.  I just can't deal then.  I decide to just live in denial for a while.  
I go walk around downtown Vista for a while till it was time for a movie.  Hoping I don't see anyone I know after calling sick.  But I do see P.C. from work, but she is ok, won't get me in trouble.  Do a bit of shopping.  Then go see "The Girl in the Spiders Web".  Then stop at Costco and home.

Again that evening I do the Norman Bates thing and get Britty out of the fridge to watch t.v. with me.  Feeling relieved about the DMV, bad, sad, guilty and creepy about the way I am dealing/not dealing with Britty.  

It might have been better for both of us if she had gone the weekend before.  5 days earlier.  I talked about that with her.  "You know I don't want you to go, but if it is getting to by your time are  you sure you don't want to go Sat. when I don't have to go to work, or Sun. before I drive 30 miles to stock up on bunny supplies for you?"   It would have been good to not have to deal with work, DMV and loosing Britty all at the same time (not to mention the $70. I spent renewing my House Rabbit membership and buying her food and supplies she won't be here for.  Plus she probably weighed a pound more then and could have skipped a few days of not feeling good.  But who am I to say when?  I couldn't.  She probably stuck around for me anyway.  Poor little sweet girl.

Britty Oct. 2017-Nov. 2018

When Smokey died in Oct. 2017 Britty already was not doing well, and continued to get worse. I begged her not to go the same month as Smokey.  I could not bear it.  

Then it was please don't go at Thanksgiving time.
Then it was please don't go at Christmas time.
Then it was please don't go at New Years time.
Then for several months it was ok, I get it, you have hung in there for me this long.  If you feel like you have to go, it is ok.  I will miss you and be sad, but its ok, but  could you please make it on a Sunday?  (So I have the whole day to be sad and drive you to the vets to get picked up for cremation.  Did not tell her that part.)
Then it was please don't go at Easter.
Then please don't go when I have scary Dr./Dentist stuff coming up.  Or when my son was supposed to be in town.

At least a few times a week I was afraid I would find her dead in the morning, or when I came home from work.  I started putting stuff off.  "Well I will take care of that after Britty goes".

Then I could not get her meds refilled unless I took her in.  Did not want to.  I was afraid he would recommend putting her down.  But I could not run out of her meds, so off we went. 

Much to my surprise and relief, the vet  (Dr. L....apparently Dr. H. no longer works there, too bad, I liked him.) said he thought she was doing pretty good, and that I was doing a good job taking care of her.  He thought much of her problem was caused by E. Cuniculi.  I had gradually been thinking that also.  When she started having trouble walking, it seemed like arthritis to me.  When she suddenly got cataracts, that seems odd, I was concerned about infection.  When we saw Dr. H a few weeks later, he just said yes, cataracts can come on very suddenly like that.  It was not until several months or so later when I heard sudden cateracts can be a sign of E. Cuniculi, I started wondering. Looking back I wish he had suggested treating her for that then.  Her walking and eye sight may not have improved, but maybe treatment could have kept her from getting any worse.  Ok, back to the visit with Dr. L in July.  He said her weight has not changed much in the past 13 months.  She was alert, did not seem to be in any pain and her skin looked pretty good.  Said rabbits like this can go on for quite some time, as long as they are still eating and seem comfortable.  The thing that often leads to having to put them down is skin infection.  He refilled her pain meds. to keep her comfortable, and her sub q. fluids, which she had been totally out of for a few months.  Good visit.

After the visit I relaxed a bit.  Worried a bit less about finding her dead any time soon.  But still she had her good days and bad.  I was giving her almost 3 times the pellets I was giving her 5 years ago, just to try and keep her weight up.  Of course she was so full from the pellets, she barely ate any hay, but I felt like I had to, she needed the calories.  Her digestive system seemed to be doing pretty well.  My biggest worry was she did not drink enough water.  I was afraid her kidneys were going, both her age, and e. cuniculi make that likely.  For a long time I would pick her up several times a day and try and get her to pee.  She would lift her tail and shoot it away from her then she did not have to sit in it so much.  Then she got to the point, she was not lifting her tail.  Lack of strength or lack of muscle control?  I tried to lift it for her and she got all squirmy.  I was like "relax, this should not be hurting you".  Found out some time, later I think I broke her tail.  Felt horrible!!  I was not pulling hard, just trying to help her keep dry.  When I had first started bathing her, most of the fur on her tail had come off.  I think it was from being soaked in pee too long.  It grew back, then she stopped lifting it and was dribbling more, less shooting away from her, harder to keep her clean and dry.  She does not like being cleaned off.  I do a good job once a week, with a butt bath, and just a quick wipe down on other days.  Sometimes when I am holding her in one hand to clean her with the other, she acts like she is having a hard time breathing.  Is it stress or for real?  Don't know but she stops it when we are done. 
  
Then we are back to the "if you feel the need to go, it is ok, I will be sad, but I don't want you to stay just for me.  But could you do it on a weekend please?"  She has always been so polite.  Then it was Oct.  OK, please don't go on my birthday.  Please don't go when I go to Disneyland that week.  

She was still eating good.  (not much hay, but everything else good.)  So the first day that she didn't was right after the time change.  They had always gotten their pellets about 11:30 pm, just before I went to bed.  But as she got thinner and weaker I gave her a small hand full of pellets many times a day.  The vet had said as much as she wanted.  So the morning after the time change I get up and see most of her pellets were still there.  I was only a little concerned because at 11:30 on her biological clock it was 12:30, time to sleep and she had been snacking on pellets all evening.  She did a little better each day that week.  Figured she was adjusting to the time change, as was I.  

Then a week later I was going to go to San Diego to get supplies for her.  Mostly I don't go that far, but there is one type of pellet I have been unable to get locally any more.  It was suggested to give to older buns that have trouble keeping their weight up.  I was totally out, so was giving the other 2 good types of pellets for a day now.  I asked her, hey, if you are thinking of going any time soon now, please go before I drive down there and stock up.  But she seemed pretty normal Nov. 11, so off I went.

I really wanted to say please don't go until I get the DMV stuff sorted out. And she may have waited, she is so polite.  But I did not ask, I thought she is getting weaker, even if I don't end it for her, I have to quit asking her to stay. She has waited this long, what are the odds she would pick then to go, really?

Wednesday, Nov. 14 I come home and do a quick peek to see if she is still alive.  She was. I had to do something quick on the computer, so go do that.  Then I get distracted and spend the next hr. or so doing stuff that could have waited.  So by the time I go out to take care of her it was about 6:00 pm.  I can tell she is not good.  Way weaker.  Do I pack her in the car and try and get to her vets before they close at 7:00 and have her put to sleep?  I don't think there is that much that they can do for her at this point.  I have already questioned if her quality of life is decent or not, if she is really getting that much worse, maybe prolonging it is not the best thing, much as I want to.  It is not supposed to be about me and how hard that is.  I am only supposed to be doing what is best for her.  But it is like I can't really see or think correctly near the end.  I rationalize and wear blinders and never feel like I am doing right.  I wanted to give her a last bath before she went to the vets (dead or alive)  Both to lessen my embarrassment at not being a better Mom and to give her some dignity. Also if I did do it, I wanted it to be her vet.  Not someone that does not really know rabbits that might not give her the right dose.  And at 6:00, traffic is probably still bad, would I even make it there by 7:00 if I skipped the bath?  Remember she has been bad before, and gotten better, and I have blinders on and can't think straight.  Would it be more stressful for her to be taken in (1/2 hr. with normal traffic), or to go on her own here.  It seems like most good pet parents put their pets, to sleep.  Is it always the best solution?  There is a difference between "I really feel like crap".  and "I am in a lot of pain".  I got that she felt like crap, but I did not see a lot of pain.  But could well be wrong.

I don't take her.  Wish I had checked earlier, but I did not.  Guilty about that too. I don't want to move her too much, hoping if this was the time, she would just go to sleep and not wake up.  She did seem like she really wanted to just sleep.

But a while later I decide to try some sub cue fluids.  It might help her, or at least make her feel a bit better.  How can I do nothing?  I don't want to move her to the bathroom where I usually do it, and there is not much room for me to sit behind her like I usually do.  I am thinking she is so weak now, maybe she won't move.  There was only 1 unit left in the bag, which annoyed me.  Seems like there should have been about 1 1/2 units more.  I had it shut as tight as I could shut it, but it seems like some may have still managed to leak out. So I put the needle in, it feels like it is in ok, don't feel any liquid leaking out, and I leave the room for a while.  Idiot.  When I go check, either I was wrong about it being in right, or she did move, cause she is wet from it leaking out on her.  Pissed at myself.  I wasted it, and she might have benefited some from getting it under her skin, not on top of it.  Dry her off as best as I can without moving her.

A bit latter, I wrap her up in a towel to hold her while I watch t.v.  Usually I put her next to me, and even yesterday she seemed happy about that.  But now, I want to hold her.  I pick her up lots, but normally, except during bath time, I don't hold her a lot.  She did not hate it, but unlike Smokey, certainly did not crave it either, so it seemed to me.  But feel the need now, hoping maybe she would just slip away while I was holding her and petting her and telling her how much I loved her.

But when I am holding her, she seems like she is having trouble breathing.  It might be something about the position, I don't usually see that when she is lying down, so after a bit I put her down in her usual "lets watch t.v." spot.  She is weak, and wants to sleep.  But I do get her to eat a few bites.  Just in case this is not the end, don't want her to stop eating.

So it is time for bed, but she just wants to sleep.  So I decide to leave her where she is instead of putting her in her regular sleeping spot with her usual salad and pellets. She seems comfortable, just weak and sleepy.  So I cover her up to stay warm, kiss her goodnight, knowing she may not make it through the night.

Thursday Nov. 15.  I get up afraid of what I will find.  I hate that feeling of waking up with that horrible ache of dread in the stomach, (more than my ususal have to go to work dread). Will she be gone, or even worse, suffering and I damn better do something about it, no matter how much it kills me.  I go check and she is still alive.  She perks up a bit, and I give her a little food, so seems like she is weak, but has not totally given up yet.  I hate my job, but I am a good reliable employee and I already know I am calling in sick the next day to go to the DMV.  Feeling guilty about that, but I have to go.  I want to stay home with her.  But I would really feel guilty calling in 2 days in a row, when I am not really sick.  But I have not decided for sure I was taking her in, and if I had stayed home every day she did not seem great, I would have been home a lot.  So I set her up in her usual while I am at work spot, with some pellets, just in case, and guiltily go off to my crummy job (that I need).

I come right home after work, get to her a little before 5:00 pm, and she is gone.  Tried to tell by how she felt how long it had been.  I am no expert.  My guess was not all day, but probably at least an hr.  I hope she was not waiting for me.  I got home as soon as I could.  She was going to be cremated.  But have to take her to the vets for pick up for that.  I don't think I can give her her last bath and get her there at this time before they close. And I don't want to rush it.  

I am already a nervous wreck about going back to the DMV tomorrow for another eye test. I have been practicing reading stuff from across the room with my right eye.

NOOOOO! Not now! I can't even give her a bath and take her in the next morning, even calling in sick, cause I have a 9:20 DMV appt. and I have to go!

So I talk to her and pet her a little, and ask her to forgive me for not doing better. I put her in the refrigerator. Then that evening at t.v. time I do the Norman Bates thing and take her out to lay next to me, like I have done soooooo many times before she died. I arrange her like she was sleeping and cover her up except for her head, and pet her a while.

I guess I thought/hoped it might be easier this time because I had known it was coming on and off for a long time. Certainly not the best Mom, but an ok Mom most of the time I think. I thought I would beat myself up less this time. But no. Maybe that is part of the process for me.

DMV Oct. 8, 2018

 DMV

This October my drivers license was set to expire.  I have not been in a DMV in many, many years.  But as I feared, when I got the letter they said this year you must go in and get a new picture, thumb print ant take the eye test.  Oh great!  Well too early to make an appt. now, who knows what I will be doing that week now (a few months earlier).  I have never made an appt. before, but I see the long lines on t.v. and think they must be ones without appts.  I won't do that, 3 weeks should be enough time to get an appt.  Right?  Well I kept forgetting and it was 15 days before it expired when I remembered to go on line to make an appt.   The first one they offered me was 3 days after it was to expire.  2nd was 8 weeks later, 3rd was the month after that!   I had no idea!  I was afraid to drive with an expired license.  I just kept trying for the next week hoping something would open up.  I tried the 3 offices closest to me.  Also checked the wait times, which varied greatly, but was not in a position to just head over if a short wait showed up.  I was to drive to Orange county the day after my license expired.  They will give you a ticket for breathing wrong.  I was getting no where with the appts. 

So the day before it was to expire, first day of my week off, I got up early to take my car in the shop.  Not happy about it, but wanted to get my brakes checked before I drove it much more.  They checked, cleaned and adjusted it, said they just had some air in the lines that they bled out.  Only felt a little better, not what I paid better, but had some piece of mind about them being ok.  Got out fairly early, did a little shopping, got a snack and headed to the DMV to start my wait.  

I was super nervous.  Just being there!  Plus my eyes are not great.  I was super near sighted when I was younger.  HATED wearing glasses SO much.  Tried contacts, but after a couple years I could not wear any more, then back to glasses.  Eventually I had surgery to improve my eyesight.  My right eye has never responded like it was expected.  But eventually it did improve enough I was able to get the hated "must wear corrective lens" off of my license.

Well, I guess I did not realize your eyes will continue to change, and eventually I was not seeing good enough.  Had more surgery, but again right eye did not respond as expected.  Had only recently had surgery when I last went to the DMV.  I managed to squeak through passing but just barely.  I see well enough with both eyes.  I see well enough with my left eye, but my right eye alone is the problem.  Luckily I do not drive with one hand over my left eye.

Cataract surgery a few years ago with a lens implant was to restore my distance vision in right eye.  It did not.  I can read close up with it, but no distance. 

So very nervous.  I think while I am there I will get the Real ID license that will be needed for flying in a year (or two), just in case.  Have not flown in years, but you never know.  Dig out my birth certificate, Social Security card, proof of address, think I am all set for that at least.  Get there and they want my marriage certificate.  "I am not married."  Well how did you go from the name on your birth certificate to the name on your social security card?  "Well, when I got married, I sent in a copy of the marriage certificate to SS and they sent me a SS card with that name on it, and now 40 years after my divorce I am still using that name."  Nope you can not get the Real ID without your marriage certificate, EVEN 40 YEARS after your divorce!  Quite annoyed about that.  Ok, fine, just do regular for now, it will expire tomorrow.  I will have to come back later to try the real id again.  

On to the dreaded eye test.  The letters are REALLY tiny and quite a ways behind the person on the other side of the counter.  No, not a standard eye chart.  

I read enough to pass with both eyes (no glasses) and with my left eye (no glasses), but not even close with just my right eye.  Try it with the glasses I had with me.  (the ones I keep in my car to wear when I drive at night, or if I am looking for an address-I can see it a few feet sooner, but for general in my area day time driving, they do not seem necessary).  I did a bit better with both and with left, and maybe got a couple correct with my right eye, but not nearly enough.  She tries the machine on the counter, but still no pass.  "But I don't drive with my good eye covered"!!!!  I will give you a 59 day extension. Here is a form to take to your eye Dr. to have them fill it out, and bring it back.  Maybe they will proscribe new glasses and you can try again.  If I still don't pass?   (glaucoma has destroyed some receptor cells in that eye.  I have lost a lot of my color vision and not sure a different prescription will be enough).  Well then they might take you on a driving test, and see how you do on the road.   Terror!  I am a decent driver, but have not taken a driving test in so long!  Just the idea makes me so nervous I can barely think or think I can drive well.  

No ones wants to loose their license.  But I am still working, I live alone, have no family in the area, and there are no buses, or trains in my area.  Terrified.  What if I don't pass?!  I will have to take early retirement, and I will have to sell my house and move where there are buses.  I probably can't afford it and may end up homeless.  I am really in a panic.

I realize that the RX in the glasses I had with me, was not the most recent.  Last year I was so busy between my eye exam in Nov. and Christmas, getting new glasses was going to have to wait until that week between Christmas and New Years.  8:00 PM New Years Eve  it hit me.  Oh no, I forgot to go get new glasses!  There goes this years eye glass benefit down the tubes.  Yes, I could have gone in after the first of the year, but thought, now there is no hurry, I may just wait until my annual fall exam. 

I did get new lenses the year before.  I kept them in the other car, for those times I was using that one, and was not going to make it home before dark.  Tried comparing those with the ones I wore.  Slightly better, probably still not enough to pass.

Get in to see the eye Dr. with my form to fill out.  I am still so nervous I am jabbering non stop while he is trying to fill it out and examine my eyes.  He says he is surprised that I did not pass.  My eyes have not changed that much.  Yes, I am able to read what he asks me to with the lens he has selected.  But it seems to me that the letters are bigger and closer than at the DMV chart.  I am like,  Not good enough.  "I need to be able to see through walls with these!".   

The next week I take the new, only slightly different RX to two different eye wear places.  I was going to use my insurance benefit for a fancy new pair of progressives.  (for those times when driving when I have to read a map, or things like that).  And a cheaper pair of single vision distance (no adjustment time needed) to go take my test with.

The next week I gather up the new glasses.  When I try them on and do not immediately see way better with just my right eye, both places said it may take from a few minutes to an hr. for your eyes to fully adjust to seeing their best in them.  Could all this have been prevented in I had worn my glasses for the entire hour I was waiting?  But I can't stand them on my face that long, or walk with them, or look at people.  They bug me too much, plus I was still hoping to squeak by with no must wear corrective lens restriction.  Well that did not work very well.  

Meanwhile I had tried a few times to get an appt.  I was going either way, but on my last attempt, I got one for Oct. 16 at 9:20.  I had planned to go the week before, but actually the glasses were not even ready till the end of the week, and 9:20 was a good time for me.  I had decided not to ask for the time off.  I was nervous enough about going in without thinking I am supposed to be at work in a couple hours, this is taking too long, etc.  Plus it is hard to get time off at this time of year.  I hate calling in sick if I am not.  But if I did not get the time off, I still had to go and it would look really bad if I ask and am told no, then call in sick.  So just planned to call in sick and go.  No time pressures.